How to use a leather-trimmed bedpan.
Posted: You lie!
In our story, "Nation Marks 5th Anniversary of 3rd Anniversary of Sept. 15," we recounted the events of Sept. 15, including quotes from events that were held. However, we published the story on Sept. 14. This was not an error. We're psychic mother f**kers. We apologize that some of our readers do not share the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored's sixth sense, and we pray for your salvation.
In our story, "Obama to Announce 'Health Care For Clunkers,'" we quoted President Obama as saying, "You have the right to heated, leather-trimmed bedpans with an intermittent wiper." This was a grievous error. Many readers wrote to us expressing their sincere need for a constant, not intermittent, wiper on heavy load days that come after eating multiple chili dogs at the ballpark. We regret if our story was seen as an endorsement of bedpans with intermittent wipers. It is the view of this editorial bored that bedpans with constant wiping capability are needed to fix health care in this country, regardless of their cost. And there should, of course, be a public bathroom option.
In our story, "Study: 78% of People Who Write "LOL" Are Not Laughing," we said that a new study revealed that the acronym "GFY" stood for "Go f**k yourself." In reality, it stands for, "Good for you," said in the same tone and manner as Christian Bale in his famous rant on the set of "Terminator: Salvation," where he showed the world what an a**hole looks like in human form. We absolutely apologize. We're sorry, we did not mean anything by it. We're nice guys but that don't f**king cut it when we're f**king around like this on a story.
