The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is taking another weekend off to recover from laboring so much on Labor Day. Enjoy this vintage, pre-owned reprint from last year.
Posted: By time machine to American voters in early November 2000
NEW YORK CITY -- Responding to the scathing report from the bipartisan Partnership for a Secure America saying that America is still unprepared for terrorist threats, President Bush marked this seventh anniversary of the 9/11 attacks by reminding the American people that they could be doing a lot more in the fight against extremist Islamic and non-Islamic terrorism.
"I thought I told you to go shopping," he said in a ceremony at ground zero, site of the former World Trade Center that was destroyed in the attacks.
"Battles such as this take courage, resolve, Visa, Mastercard and Discover," he continued. "In these dangerous times, that means bypassing a cheap pair of sneakers at Target and buying the $110 Puma Ferrari Levitation GT red suede shoes with the non-marking rubber sole. I don't know if anyone has Diner's Club any more, but give that one a try too."
Senators John McCain and Barack Obama were also in attendance. In a show of unity, the two politicians walked down the street to Macy's and bought purple lipstick together.
"This day reminds us that there isn't red lipstick or blue lipstick," said Obama. "There's only American lipstick, and we picked an eggplant color that will go well with any pantsuit that an Alaskan female moose-shooting scandal-ridden lying radical individual might choose to wear." McCain also voiced his support.
"My friends, any American would be proud to take this lipstick to war -- I mean, wear. I said 'wear,'" he stammered. "If you're a woman and you're not so easy on the eyes, this is something you can wear that will put your country first. That's not sexist, that's just straight talk."
Although Democrats and Republicans alike feigned outrage at each others' comments, lipstick sales at Macy's have increased 14 percent, and many pit bulls and pigs have been seen wearing the eggplant purple color.
"I told you it would work," said Bush as he concluded the ceremony. "Now watch me lay this wreath."
