Posted: In the unstable aisle, right above the crazy
WE'LLSUEYA, Alaska -- The Free-Ass. Press has learned that investigators reviewing transcripts of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's July 3 resignation speech say it contained a powerful sedative laced with crazy that quickly put her political career into cardiac arrest. It died three minutes later.
A former high-level staffer for the McCain-Palin presidential campaign tells FAP that Palin called her the night before she resigned, frantically begging her to administer help injecting Palin's speech with better language.
"She told me she was staring at a blank Word document. All she had was a headline: 'This Is It.' She begged me to come over and help her write a lucid, calm explanation for her erratic and politically immature decision to resign," the staffer said. "I refused."
Alaska's Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell released a never-before-seen video of Gov. Palin just two days before her career died. In the video, she is shown making logical arguments and doing the business of governing while wearing black slacks, white socks and a sequined glove on her left hand.
In an equally crazy statement, Palin, through her attorney, Thomas Van Flunterschluffenhausenberger, warned the Internet that she will sue it if the stories questioning her "slutty flight attendant" clothing choices continue.
"This is America, and we have freedom from speech here," Palin said. "You can't just go around reporting things that I've said and done and not expect legal consequences."
"Especially when they're true and embarrassing," she added.
Palin's career will be buried in an unmarked grave, soon to be forgotten but honored each year with a spot on "America's Funniest Home Videos" right after the montage of guys getting whacked in the balls.
