Posted: From the Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays memorial ceremony down the street at the slightly smaller Wiltern Theatre. Opening act: Tito.HOLLYWEIRD -- Fans, friends and family alike gathered for Michael Jackson's funeral yesterday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Although FAP was not able to obtain tickets to the event, as a service to our readers, we have put together the following recap of the event from what we heard happened from a guy on the bus who was near the Staples Center and from the sh*tty feed on tmz.com while we were supposed to be working.
Seen at the ceremony:
* A star-studded turnout with Michael Jackson's closest friends and A-listers -- like some chubby kid from "Britain's Got Talent," Usher "Here's Your Papers, Baby, Now Get the Hell Out!" Raymond and John "I Make Gross Sex Faces When I Solo" Mayer. Also in attendance was the Rev. Al Sharpton who stopped in to speak before running off to find more TV cameras to stand in front of. He was later caught grinding with a tripod.
* A 10-minute pill retrospective narrated by the boyishly good-looking Dr. Sanjay Gupta
* Multiple shots of the family whispering about why the event wasn't organized by the family and what the f**k was going on, and what are all these Nation of Islam guys doing here?
* L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa constantly refreshing the screen on the city's PayPal account to see if there was enough money to continue with the ceremony.
Overheard at the ceremony:
* Sharpton to Jackson's kids: "There was nothing strange about your father. There was only strange he had to deal with. That strange he had to deal with was that our society just HAS to insist that grown men not ply tweens with wine in a Coke can and VHS copies of 'Fantasia.'"
*Kobe Bryant said that before a big game, he "beats it" to Michael's sister Janet's 2004 Super Bowl halftime show wardrobe malfunction.
*Michael Jackson's "This Is It" concert organizer said that he wants people to celebrate Jackson's life. "People should celebrate it by buying a pre-sale copy of our 100 hours of documentary footage from the 'This Is It' concert now available exclusively at Wal-Mart and iTunes. We have a lot of bills to pay people. A lot of bills. Seems we misplaced that $90 million we made from ticket presales."
* A "closing argument" by Jackson attorney Tom Mesereau, who argued that Jackson is not a pedophile because he is technically not living and/or touching someone.
