Posted: On the bottom of Bubbles' cage
CREEPY CARNIVAL-LIKE BACKYARD COMPOUND -- As a public service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored -- which has found this story to be so important that it has convened an in-person meeting of its Atlanta and Indianapolis bureaus -- has decided to publish every possible headline that hack journalists/"entertainment" reporters/"Free-Ass. Press wannabes" might come up with to "creatively" announce pop superstar Michael Jackson's death.
We hereby declare the following list of headlines officially off limits. We're looking in your direction, TMZ. Read the time stamp, bitches.
MJ Attends Thriller Zombie Reunion
Islam to MJ: No Thanks
MJ Sidewalk Goes Dark
MJ, Burnt Hair Reunited
MJ Beats It
MJ: The Doggone Guy is Dead
MJ Puts on Heart-Stopping Performance
MJ Cardiac Arrested
MJ Charged With Angel Molestation
MJ Meets the Man in the Mirror
Michael, Bubbles Reunite
Elephant Man Estate Buys MJ Bones
Jackson 4 to Hold Auditions
Jackson Dies; White Glove Lonely
MJ From Hell: Gary, Indiana Still Worse
MJ Buried Holding Crotch
Linguistics Scholars Devastated: ’Mama Say Mama Saw Ma Mafusah’ Never to be Defined
MJ Goes To Never-Neverland Ranch in Sky
Jackson Gotta Be Finishin’ Somethin’
Elephant Man Punches MJ In The Face
"Weird" Al Pretends to Have a Heart Attack
Demerol Is Not My Lover
Tito to Assume 'King of Pop' Duties Until Replacement Can Be Found
Sequin Futures Take Huge Hit In Market
FCC Fines Jackson for Heart Malfunction
MJ Won’t Be There
Bubbles Vindicated
We Are Not the World
MJ Joins Macauley Culkin’s Career
OJ Simpson Cleared of Suspicion in MJ Death; Was Killing Someone Else at the Time
Fuhrman Planted Bloody, Sequined White Glove at MJ Death Scene
Everyone Named Mike Jackson Breathes a Huge Sigh of Relief
Farrah Fawcett: 'What Am I, Chopped Liver?'
Steve Jobs: 'No, I Am'
