ROLLA, Mo. -- In a perfect storm of all the things Americans are afraid of, hundreds of terrorist detainees from Guantanamo Bay are being brought to the United States as part of a new federal warfare-to-work program that will employ them as Wal-Mart greeters.
The new federal job program, dubbed "Gitmo to Greet Mo'," will serve a valuable purpose, according to our Muslim socialist president at a White House press conference announcing the program.
"This program puts people to work doing jobs that no one else will do," Obama said. "Except old ladies."
The "Gitmo to Greet Mo'" program bypasses maximum-security federal penitentiaries located all over the United States and instead pays for jihadists' food and housing and provides them work. The thinking is that terrorists will not want to blow up America if they get to experience first-hand how nice and welcoming Americans are. However, this scenario will create a whole new set of terrorists: old ladies who lost their jobs to terrorists.
"Now it makes sense to take away old ladies' nail clippers at the airport," Obama said. "This was part of a larger strategy that we are just now seeing positive results from.
So far, 27 detainees have been placed as Wal-Mart greeters. Just 26 have committed suicide -- a success, according to the Obama administration. Several of them aired their martyrdom videos over the Wal-Mart Network, the in-house television programming at Wal-Mart stores nationwide.
The remaining terrorist couldn't believe the deals available at Wal-Mart and has begun studying for the midday checker exam.
"From there, who knows? Maybe flight school," he said. "The sky's the limit."
