Obama's New Secretary of Self-EsteemPosted: Your time is now. Carpe diem.
BAGHDAD -- Fulfilling his promise to withdraw all U.S. combat troops from Iraq within 16 months, President Barack Obama today announced his strategy for keeping Iraq stable after the pullout: life coaches.
"Look, what the Iraqi people need is someone who can help them identify their strengths," Obama said in a White House Rose-Colored Glasses Garden ceremony where he was flanked by 25 overly enthusiastic, sensitive-yet-challenging, f**king annoying independent contractors who are all go-getter morning people.
"This group behind me has more than 7,000 personal and psychological assessment certifications from The Learning Annex," Obama said. "It is time to invest in Iraqi infrastructure -- the personal infrastructure known as self-esteem."
Obama plans to deploy 30,000 life coaches across Iraq. To support the effort, he also announced that his administration will lobby Congress to form the Department of Holistic Wellness, Chakras and Defense Against Negative Energies and People (DHWCDANEP).
"We want to help the Iraqis turn mustard gas into mustard," said Jocelyn Lane, a certified life coach, personal wellness counselor and the newly appointed Secretary of Yoga. "They can do it! Say it with me. They can do it! Believe it. I don't think you believe it! Say it again. OK, you're right. We're f**ked over there."
