God Blames Pat Robertson for String of Violent Storms

Posted: On our gay, liberal, activist, hippie, commie Web site

HEAVEN -- After the upper Midwest and Plains states received a lashing of violent thunderstorms, tornadoes and flooding over the past week, local residents were left seeking answers amid the soaked rubble of their destroyed homes and communities.

That answer came from the Big Man himself.

"I have warned Pat Robertson that if he continues to blame gays, liberals and 'judicial activism' for bad weather -- weather that I have repeatedly said I delegate out to the apostle level or lower -- that I would really give him something to complain about," said a vengeful God. "Christ, he makes me crazy."

Ironically, Robertson recently began appearing in an ad fighting global warming alongside the Rev. Al Sharpton for wecansolveit.org, a Web site created by The Alliance for Climate Protection, the organization of Interwebs founder and former Vice President Al Gore.

In the television ad, Robertson and Sharpton share a sofa on a clearly green-screened beachfront. Sharpton mentions how he ends up on "the left" on most issues. "And I'm usually right," Robertson says, a comment for which the Federal Trade Commission has fined Robertson $3.4 million for blatantly false advertising.

"I would just kill him, but he's gonna be so clingy when he gets to heaven," God added. "So much for intelligent design."

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McCain Organizes "Million Hummer March" On Washington

An Earth Day Special

Posted: No trespassing

PITTSBURGH -- In a special Earth Day event, Republican presidential nominee John McCain called for a summer-long "gas-tax holiday" from Memorial Day through Labor Day. To celebrate that holiday, his campaign is hoping to organize 1 million Hummer H2 owners from across the country to drive to Washington, D.C., with their air-conditioners set to "high."

Without the 18.4-cent federal tax that helps maintain and build new roads and bridges, gas prices will temporarily go from a national average of $3.50 per gallon down to $3.32 per gallon.

"My friends, the struggling Hummer owner will now be able to take that $5.89 per 32-gallon fill-up he's saving and stimulate the economy by putting that money toward paying down his interest-only mortgage -- or the payment on his time-honored, obnoxious symbol of American decadence. That's real progress, my friends." Hillary Clinton's campaign fired off a scathing response to McCain's plan before he officially announced it.

"I heard that Sen. Obama has a friend who has a neighbor whose landlord signed up for this drive which once again brings up legitimate questions about his electability," she said, before being interrupted by a snickering college newspaper reporter who asked Clinton if her husband has ever had a "Hummer."

"If he has, I sure didn't give it to him, " she snapped. "I know Arnold Schwarzeneggar tried to give him a Hummer once, but my husband thought it would feel funny getting that kind of thing from the California governor. I know that I will never give -- or receive -- a Hummer when I'm president. That's a promise."

After peals of laughter rolled through the press corps, Clinton responded, "What? What?"

U.S. Treasury to Offer Federal Reserve Rewards MasterCard

Posted: With no interest until January 20, 2009

WILMINGTON, Del. -- Though credit markets have all but frozen solid, and though banks have been paralyzed by their fear of lending to other banks and not getting paid back because banks are bad friends, the federal government has begun mass-mailing preapproved offers for its new Federal Reserve Rewards MasterCard. The card offers an introductory zero-percent interest rate and double frequent failure points.

AIG, the nation's largest insurer, which received an $85 billion bailout just two weeks ago, used its new credit card to treat its top executives to a week-long, $443,000 golf and spa retreat at the St. Regis Resort in Monarch Beach, Calif., to reward them for all of their hard work and competent financial decision-making.

The executives were able to use the double rewards points they accumulated on the trip to redeem a second bailout in the amount of $38 billion yesterday. When asked how on Earth the federal government could possibly make money giving away such extravagant rewards, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said it's simple.

"This is the government; it doesn't have to make sense, and it doesn't have to pay anyone back," Paulson said. "Besides, if things go bad, Benny over there at the Fed can just print more money. Now do you see why I left my high-, high-, high-paying job running Goldman Sachs for this sh*tty government job that pays a measly couple of hundred thousand dollars and has a stress level higher than being an al Qaeda operative going through airport security?" AIG CEO Edward Liddy agreed.

"He's so right," Liddy said. "Plus, the Fed doesn't even charge an annual fee. But we have a serious responsibility here to wisely spend this free money that we are completely unaccountable for."

It's not all positive, though. The fee for a late payment is an interest-free overnight cash advance to pay the late fee.

U.S. Makes Final Offer for Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes

MacMood Onomatopoeia, like Rod Roddy just announced, "A Brand New Car!"

Posted: Near the checkout line. No credit check! Cancel any time!

GENEVA -- In a renewed effort to get stalled talks moving forward again with Iran, the United States is offering Iran its best and final plan: 700 anytime minutes, free nights and weekends starting at 6 p.m. instead of 9 and two free iPhones with a $400 rebate in 10 to 12 weeks (not valid with any other offer). The U.S. has never offered such concessions to a consumer, much less a rogue nation, and Democrats were outraged.

"Two free iPhones? Why not just hand them our Constitution?" said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Harry Reid, the Senate's Democratic majority leader, tried to look upset and brooding and overcome his nice-old-grandpa-y persona.

"I am very very upset about this," he said. "I have a crappy old Nokia with a horrible plan, and though I've disagreed with the president many times, I've never called him the Great Satan or chanted 'Death to America!' I guess that's what it takes to get an iPhone these days."

"Death to America," he added.

In a surprising policy reversal -- the 14th in just over a week -- Democratic nominee Sen. Barack Obama said he supports the offer to talk more with Iran.

"It's about time we revised the Bush administration's tired tactic of prank-calling Iran, asking if their shah is running and sending them text messages that say things like, 'RU still :( @ Israel?' That's not diplomacy."

Republican nominee Sen. John McCain, however, says the U.S. needs to be even tougher on Iran.

"My friends, we can't afford to spend 700 minutes talking with Iran any time they want," he said. "If there's a phone ringing in the White House at 3 a.m., I certainly don't want it to be MacMood Onomatopoeia looking to chat. My friends, that time difference is a bitch. I'm old and I need my sleep."

Iran responded to the offer through the Swiss embassy by activating the two iPhones in the parking lot because they couldn't wait to get home. Once the phones were activated, they began playing with the online version of PhotoShop to make Iranian news agency pictures depict that four iPhones, not two, were given away.

They also watched countless YouTube episodes of "Will It Blend?"

Daughter Discovers Parents' Divorce on Facebook

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We're taking a Free-Ass. holiday until January 5th, so enjoy these greatest hits from 2008. Happy Holidays!

(Free-Ass. Press) Posted: A link

NOT MYSPACE, Internet -- While reading through Facebook status updates yesterday, high school junior Molly Hoffman came across a small, red broken heart indicating that a relationship had ended. That broken heart belonged to her parents, Roger and Fay.

"At first, I was like, 'No way! They're totally joking and whatever?'" she said/asked in that annoying, cheerleady rising inflection way of talking that is completely irritating. "But then I wall-to-walled with my mom and she said they totally broke up."

"But then she sent me a Squoosh plant for my (lil) Green Patch and we saved one square foot of rainforest together. That made me feel better."

Though he has unfriended Fay, Roger has chosen to remain friends with Molly and still sends her Pieces of Flair every other weekend and one Wednesday each month.

"Molly's mother -- I refuse to mention that awful woman by name -- is still popping up through the 'People You May Know' application," Roger said. "I keep clicking on the X to make her disappear, but she keeps coming back. Her profile picture isn't even of her! It's of our dog asleep on his back."

In response, Molly wrote a status update that said, "Molly is can't believe my parents divorced on Facebook."