McCain Announces Walking Mate

Dear Readers,

For the next two weeks, we're taking a Free-Ass. holiday, so enjoy these 10 greatest hits from 2008. Some were suggested by readers; others are just ones we really liked. Enjoy and Happy Holidays! 

Posted: On the door of the mall shuttle

PIPE DREAM, Ariz. -- Trying to steal Barack Obama's Zeus-like European thunder, Republican nominee John McCain turned the page on what by all accounts was his campaign's worst week by today announcing his pick for a walking mate: 83-year-old Minneapolis resident Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins.

Fittingly, McCain made his announcement in front of the Mall of America's Old Navy store.

Higgins, a lifelong Minnesotan known for her easy spirit, has been an active and outspoken advocate for mall-walking since the great 1964 Mall-Walk on Washington. She also organized the nation's first formal walker's rights advocacy group called "Mall or Nothing," which lobbied for the right to walk the open spaces of airplane hangars, dairy barns and nuclear power facilities in addition to malls.

She is widely considered the great-grandmother of mall-walking -- and 8-year-old Johnny Higgins of Edina, Minn.

"My friends, I'll be 72 years old on inauguration day," McCain said in front of a busy Sbarro. "That's pretty old by anyone's standards, which is why I was so careful in picking a walking mate who understands these issues. When there's a knock at the White House door at 3 a.m., America can be sure that it will be Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins saying, 'Mr. President, put on your Rockports. It's time to take the shuttle over to the mall.' That, my friends, is the kind of leadership that comes only with age."

Barack Obama's campaign spokesman Robert Gibbs told a reporter from AARP The Magazine that Obama has no plans to pick a walking mate but that the Illinois senator has the utmost respect for seniors, which was met with a blank stare.

"I said, 'SENATOR OBAMA HAS NO PLANS TO PICK A WALKING MATE BUT HAS THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR SENIORS,'" he repeated.

"Jesus, put in your hearing aid," he added quietly.

Study: 70% of American Dental Association Employees Have "F***ed-Up Teeth"

Dear Readers,

For the next two weeks, we're taking a Free-Ass. holiday, so enjoy these 10 greatest hits from 2008. Some were suggested by readers; others are just ones we really liked. Enjoy and Happy Holidays! 

Posted: Every six months if I have insurance

CHICAGO -- According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy at UCLA's Koreatown Campus, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth."

The study noted dozens of other ADA employees who had chronic halitosis, badly discolored teeth -- like, Chiclet-shaped teeth that look like they have spinach stuck between them -- and rotting, pus-ridden cavities filled with Now & Later candy.

"You should see the smoking area out in front of our building," said Dr. Judith Foley, head of Toothpaste Affairs for ADA. "These people put strippers to shame. And, I might add, they smoke right in front of the war memorial dedicated to the 160 veteran dentists who have lost their lives for American dental freedom." Employees at other companies in the complex agreed.

"It's disgusting," said Kashmir Singh, who works for a firm three floors below the ADA's offices. "I was in the lobby last week and asked a pleasant-looking woman for directions to Starbucks. When she opened her mouth, I thought I was talking to a meth addict. Turns out it was the Executive Director of the ADA's Commission on Dental Accreditation."

Although the ADA Web site contains exhaustive educational resources, with links to products bearing the ADA Seal of Acceptance, a "Smile Smarts Curriculum," a "You and Your Dentist FAQ" and even a section titled "DENTAL GRILLS (grillz or fronts)," apparently very few ADA employees have adopted, much less read, and in fact, actively denounce and reject, the organization's multitude of recommendations for maintaining good oral health.

When asked about the discrepancy, Jerry Sinclair, head of ADA's Enamel Tower, said there was a simple explanation.

"We outsourced the creation of our Web site to a third-party provider," he said, adding they had signed an NDA with the ADA. "I can't tell you who they are, but these guys had some f***ing white-ass teeth."

Free-Ass. Study: Obama Coverage Slanted Toward Obama (Who Is Awesome)

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For the next two weeks, we're taking a Free-Ass. holiday, so enjoy these 10 greatest hits from 2008. Some were suggested by readers; others are just ones we really liked. Enjoy and Happy Holidays! 

Posted: At 6 Barack a.m.

Washington, D.C. -- After completing a lackluster week on the campaign trail, Republican nominee John McCain is blaming his campaign woes on the media.

"My friends, you're not really acting like my friends right now in your coverage, and if you don't stop, I'm just going to stop saying, 'my friends' before every sentence," McCain said to the three reporters covering his campaign stop yesterday in Racine, Wis.

After the announcement went out over the wire, the entire media, in a collective sigh of relief, decided unanimously (because they get together once a day to discuss how to slant news to the left intentionally and in perfect concert across the hundreds of thousands of media platforms that exist globally) to stop slanting its coverage toward Obama, the thinking being that although McCain would take the country down an ever-more-dangerous road with his shallow, short-sighted and hawkish George Bush-like elderly foreign policy, it would be worth it just to get him to stop saying 'my friends' every five f*cking seconds.

Despite the media's decision, however, FAP, which is not part of the media, but part of the more exclusive smallia, has found that coverage of the future president of the United States has been fair and balanced between the two candidates. Both Obama and McCain were mentioned an equal number of times, for example, in this story from last week's New York Times:

"While John 'Old Fogey' McCain was droning on in Ohio, Barack "His Highness" Obama was dazzling hundreds of thousands of Germans with a glittering and history-making oratory about unity among nations. Not since Abraham "the White Obama" Lincoln has a presidential candidate provided so much promise for a nation in such stark contrast to the half-dead image of John 'Moses' McCain."

Even in this article, the future president and the current old man are mentioned an equal number of times not including the "White Obama" reference as that refers to Lincoln rather than to the savior of humanity.

Homeland Security Deports Rock Band "Foreigner"

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For the next two weeks, we're taking a Free-Ass. holiday, so enjoy these 10 greatest hits from 2008. Some were suggested by readers; others are just ones we really liked. Enjoy and Happy Holidays!

Posted: After a round of head games

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Amid a growing chorus from true rock fans who hate power ballads, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security this week began formal deportation proceedings against the 15 current and former members of 1970s rock band Foreigner.

"I don't understand," said Lou Gramm, the band's original vocalist, who left the group in 2003 to actively pursue failure with uninteresting solo projects. "We're an American band."

"Grand Funk Railroad is an American band,” said Michael Chertoff, secretary of Homeland Security. “Foreigner is named Foreigner. Americans need protection from these hot-blooded bands of musical terrorists."

When asked where the band was being deported to, Chertoff said, "Back to Foreignerterroristlandistan -- where they belong.” According to Google Earth, Foreignerterroristlandistan is located midway between East Bumblef**k and South Jesus.

The initial raid, carried out by a team of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents at a small, unremodeled Holiday Inn in Moline, Ill., netted Foreigner's six current members: Mick Jones, Jeff Jacobs, Tom Gimbel, Kelly Hansen, Jason Bonham and Jeff Pilson. Pilson faces extra charges for having played bass with Dokken and Dio in the 1980s.

This raid was noteworthy for preventing what could have been a devastatingly unsuccessful tour on the homeland. 

Digg Users Hate Everything; Bury Internet

Dear Readers,

For the next two weeks, we're taking a Free-Ass. holiday, so enjoy these 10 greatest hits from 2008. Some were suggested by readers; others are just ones we really liked. Enjoy and Happy Holidays!

 

Posted: Right after it went popular, but just before it got buried


INTERNETLAND -- Digg.com users registered their insatiable discontent in a perfect storm of negative comments about so many articles that they unwittingly buried the entire Internet.


Within seconds of the interruption, the NASDAQ dropped 47 percent. The New York Times covered the NASDAQ story and tried to post it, but Digg users immediately buried the article for being inaccurate, boring and older than eight seconds.


"Keeeey-rist, NASDAQ is lame," wrote Digg user AxlRosewater. "How does this s**t ever make it to the front page? BURIED."


"Everyone knows that the NASDAQ dropped 46.99999999998 percent, not 47 percent," pointed out user CutlassSoupReam. "Plus, this was on the front page three minutes ago. Buried to make room for a real article."


According to Digg executives, the hours-long disappearance of the Internet was caused by an influx of top 10 lists, articles debunking rumors that Barack Obama is a gay, crack-smoking Muslim Manchurian candidate; and postings from The Onion and lame wannabe Onion imitators whose articles are always taken seriously despite being posted in the comedy section, where they are buried as completely unfunny and "f**king lame sh*t written by a 12-year-old."


Many Digg users were crestfallen at the shutdown.


"I don't know what happened," said Ward Boedeker, who runs a blog about vintage fondue pots out of his home in Chino, Calif. "My article was about to go popular with like 149 diggs -- and then it vanished. My life's dream of educating the public about hot cheese through a viral, grassroots effort on Digg ... gone!"


Digg's crack team, however, moved quickly to avert further crises by adjusting its convoluted algorithm so that users could begin mercilessly ridiculing everything again. No one knew about the move, however, because the notice, posted on Digg's front page, was immediately buried.


"Wannabe Digg executives," wrote user Diggdeeznuts. "Buried!"