George Bush Is Graduationing: Sign His Yearbook!

Posted: At the cast party for the Spring musical, "Shock & Awe."

WHITE HOUSE SENIOR CAFETERIA -- Now that George Bush and Dick Cheney are graduating and leaving the hallowed halls of the White House to go make a financial killing instead of the real kind, take this opportunity to sign their yearbooks! Leave the two leaders of the free world that awesome message you've always wanted to. They'll be grateful ... or shoot you in the face. We guess that depends on your message to them.

Sign George W. Bush's yearbook here:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=44610457756

Sign Dick Cheney's Yearbook here:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=45446735811

Free-Ass. Press Facebook Group!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=22992061851

Have a kick-ass Christmas! Stay sweet! Seniors '08!!!!!

And don't forget ...
We plan to take a little two-week-long Free-Ass. Holiday over the holidays starting Monday. We'll be posting your favorite stories from 2008. We already have a good idea of the top contenders but still need your input! Have a favorite? E-mail us now at freeasspress@gmail.com!

If you need help finding stories, we have a week-by-week archive on the right sidebar of our homepage. If you're really brave, search through our obnoxious list of keywords, also on the right sidebar. If you're at work, settle in. An hour will be gone before you even know it.

Yours truly, madly, deeply,
Free-Ass. Press

End of Story. Period.

The Free-Ass. Press editorial board is proud to present "End of Story. Period." -- the commentary of Colt (J.R.) Cassidy, a conservative columnist, card-carrying member of the NRA and possibly your high school algebra teacher.

Where Is The Economy Going? Into The G*ddam Ditch
by Colt (J.R.) Cassidy

Many Americans are wondering: Where is the economy going? Have we hit bottom? Will things get better? And when? I found the answer by doing a little algebra. Try to keep up because you sure as hell didn't pay attention when you were in my class. What's that? OK, mister. That's a Saturday detention. Keep talkin'.

Now that Mr. Corbett has finished distracting the class, I'll proceed with my example: You have worked your whole life as a high school algebra teacher, socking a combined $401,000 away into your 401(k) and your 1,100-square-foot, one-story bungalow. Then you wake up one morning and the stock market is down 7,000 points and all your neighbors who thought it would be cute to spend all their money on motor homes and inflatable Santas just went into foreclosure. The moronic school board also invested your pension with some hotshot New York investor named Bernard Madoff, who singlehandedly torpedoed the stereotype about Jews and money. So, take 75 percent of your net worth, multiply it by the worth of your pension, and what do you get? The g*ddam ditch.

Let me give you another example. The Federal Reserve Board just reduced short-term interest rates to zero. That's the amount of interest the money-grubbing banks have to pay in order to borrow money. Multiply that interest rate by the amount of money you have in the bank and what do you get? The g*ddam ditch. See a pattern forming? These numbers are not imaginary and are technically rational, but that's not what I call them. I call them the g*ddam ditch.

So let's put all the speculation to rest: Is the economy going to recover soon? No. Never. Get in the bread line and shut your yap. End of story. Period.

Homework: Learn how to make bread out of pencil shavings and eraser dust. And sit up straight. You look like our economy.

Shocking Brad and Angelina No-Sex Tape Released

Posted: Off the Free-Ass. Tip Line with thanks to Michael Hunter

MALIBU, Calif. -- In one of the most revealing and disappointing sex tapes in recent history, yesterday a YouTube user leaked a video depicting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie feebly attempting to make tired love in the master bedroom of their palatial and pretentious French estate.

Most surprising was the fact that Pitt and Jolie, now parents of six young children -- including five-month-old twins -- didn't have sex at all. In fact, after hitting the record button, they were immediately interrupted by their two-year-old daughter, Shiloh, who came in and promptly vomited on Jolie's raggedy white T-shirt from a recent 5K charity run.

"Mommy! Mommy! Potty! Potty!" Shiloh screamed, which then woke their three-year-old son, Pax.

"Mommy, look! Daddy's pee pee!" Pax added.

Hollywood's sexiest couple then called France's unsexiest nanny into the room to try to shoo the kids out of the room. That then prompted both five-month-old twins to begin screaming at the top of their lungs, which caused the two-year-old, Shiloh, to scream and then the three-year-olds, Zahara and Pax, to also start screaming because screaming is so much fun. Jolie then screamed at everyone to stop screaming, and then Brad screamed at Angelina for screaming at the children.

A fight ensued between Maddox, the jealous six-year-old, who screamed because no one was screaming at him, and the three-year-olds, who ate an entire bag of marshmallows and 14 crayons for lunch. The five-month-old twins then smeared poop on the walls while Brad called his agent trying to figure out what to do.

"This Benjamin Button role better get me an Oscar nod, or you're f**ked," he said. "Do you know how long I was in that makeup chair?"

"SHUT UP!" he screamed loudly, both at his agent and family.

The tape ends abruptly when two-year-old Shiloh pushes over the camera and smears organic fair-trade peanut butter on the lens.

Pitt and Jolie were both unavailable for comment, but sources close to the family say that they have made numerous requests for Julie Andrews to be their nanny, and that everything is perfect.

GM, Chrysler Call AAA Roadside Assistance Seeking Bailout Funds

Posted: In some God-forsaken, unfamiliar place after taking a really wrong turn somewhere between Detroit and D.C.

ROYAL CHOKE, Mich. -- With the congressional bailout of the automakers going down in flames, two of the Big Three automakers are in danger of filing for bankruptcy before Christmas. In a desperate attempt to save their corporations, GM CEO Rick Wagoner and Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli decided to make a joint call to AAA roadside assistance for help.

Wagoner and Nardelli told AAA representative Katrina Pavlik that they were on a cross-country roadtrip when they ran out of gas. Wagoner said the two needed at least $15 billion worth to get back on the road again as Nardelli giggled in the background and burned piles of cash to keep warm.

Pavlik denied their request but instead offered them several other money-saving options available to them with their AAA card membership, including discount meals at Shoney's, reduced matinee movie tickets and $2 off a $49.99 2009 season pass to Six Flags Over Georgia.

"OK, then, we'll take 7.5 billion season passes," Pavlik reported Wagoner as saying. The two executives were allegedly hoping to buy the discounted season passes on their corporate American Express card and then resell them at full price through a network of dealers who will make buyers believe they are getting a deal, all the while promising to pay American Express back just as soon as these season passes sell, which they will very, very soon, so get off our Christin' backs for one hot minute!

"Problem solved," Wagoner said.

Al Qaeda Monthly Announces 2009 "Most Attackable Cities" List

Posted: Immediately after a Free-Ass. Press reporter threw his shoes at George Bush

CAVE -- As part of its eighth annual "F**k Christmas" December issue, Al Qaeda Monthly magazine has announced its "10 Most Attackable Cities" for 2009. Topping the list this year is Carmel, Ind., a northern suburb of Indianapolis.

"We had a really difficult time deciding this year's list. There were so many great attackable cities vying for publication. We picked Carmel because it's a great place to raise a family, and the crime rate is exceptionally low," said Ayad bin Aziz, AQM's editor-in-chief. "For this reason, it must be destroyed."

Coming in a close second was Belgium, which, ironically, is not a city.

"They pompously brag how they invented the waffle," said Aziz. "They did not. Waffles were invented in the Iraqi town called Umm Al Jamajim. Who has not heard of Umm Al Jamajimi waffles? Belgium must be destroyed immediately after the destruction of that adorable, family-friendly haven of Carmel."

Other interesting choices on this year's list included: Montpelier, Vt., because of its "Frenchy Colonial oppressor name;" Panama City, Fla., because "girls who have gone wild must be killed;" Albuquerque, N.M., which "sounds kind of Muslim but isn't -- so it must be destroyed;" and Carmel, Ind., coming in again at No. 10, because "those Allah-darned inflatable Santa displays just fill you up with holiday cheer and goodness -- they must be destroyed."

American intelligence officials have been able to keep Americans safe for the past eight years by simply paying $38 for a yearly subscription to the magazine -- 65 percent off cavestand prices!