China Sets Up Protest Pens for Olympics

Posted: On Chairman Mao's forehead

BEIJING -- With two weeks remaining until the Olympic Games, China has agreed to set up "protest pens" where protestors can rally for their respective causes.

"We want to welcome the world and encourage them to express their views in our free and open, democratic-like dictatorship," said Liu Shaowu, security director of Beijing's Olympic organizing committee.

China has made a number of changes to make the Olympics more visitor-friendly including high-powered luxury showers for VIPs and an Olympic torch that can be shared among people of all nations.

Free-Ass. Olympic coverage starts in two weeks.

Laugh Track Actors Strike; Sitcoms Not Funny

Pictured at left: George Clooney had to help out on "How I Met Your Mother" during the strike

Posted: Shortly after Gary Coleman said "What-choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" for the last time

HOLLYWOODLAND, Calif. -- In a move to cripple a television industry still recovering from the months-long writer's strike, the Laugh Track Actors Guild (LTAG) has voted to strike after failing to win key concessions from the major Hollywood studios, one of which includes producing sitcoms that are funny.

Since the 1950s, laugh-track actors -- known as laugh-tractors in "the biz" -- have provided the artificially amped-up sounds from the "studio audience" for television situation comedies. They now contend, however, that sitcoms are no longer funny and that the two that are -- "30 Rock" and "The Office" -- have foregone laugh-tractors entirely. This catch-22 has made it nearly impossible for them to make a living, union members say.

"If I have to watch one more 'According to Jim' episode where he tries to fool his wife into thinking he completed her 'honey-do' list, I'm going to blow my frickin' brains out," said LTAG spokesperson Ryan Raddatz, known in the industry as "Woo," for being the guy who whoops in approval over other audience members who are just engaged in conventional laughing.

In response, sitcom showrunner Patrick Hayden said, "We'll just trick these guys into coming back to work by hiring their wives instead. Talk about situation comedy! The laugh-tractors will learn their lesson and this little 'strike' will wrap in exactly 22 minutes."

However, after some reflection alone in his toy-filled playroom, Raddatz changed his position in time for LTAG's monthly meeting. "Studios, we're sorry. 'Til Death' does have its moments," he said, adding, "That Finch guy from 'American Pie' is pretty funny."

After a well-timed beat, the entire membership immediately erupted into high-pitched cackling approval that segued quickly into a sustained, almost scientific level of applause as Raddatz froze in mid-sentence as the first familiar notes of the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song began playing.

PhotoShop Announces $99 ICBM Upgrade

Posted: On a bunch of BitTorrent sites or at your local software retailer

SILICON VALLEY, Calif. -- In a rare, lightning-fast product release, PhotoShop is capitalizing on the controversy Iran caused when it PhotoShopped extra missiles into its recent launch photos released to media outlets worldwide. Adobe, the Silicon Valley parent company of PhotoShop, has just released the "ICBM upgrade" allowing PhotoShop users to add numerous threatening weapons and special effects to their digital photos.

The effects include 76 different kinds of mushroom clouds, 147 missile designs including both vehicle-mounted and shoulder-mounted weaponry and so-called "green" weapons like spears, rocks and fair-trade, locally-produced explosives. The new software also offers an IED Wizard where users can pick various household items out of which to create bombs and then download shrapnel plug-ins and martyrdom video templates.

"We're targeting -- no pun intended -- rogue nations and 14-year old boys; ideally, 14-year-old boys in rogue nations," said Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen. "Not since the Manhattan Project has anyone made this big of a splash in the realm of international diplomacy."

Reacting to the PhotoShop missile controversy, Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain said, "This program is the greatest threat to our troops on the ground. I've been to Walter Reed to visit the wounded. A young man had his arm "shopped" off, as the enemy calls it. If I'm president, our troops will be properly equipped with Control-Z jamming technology and blue screens of death to fight this new terrorist weaponry."

Bush Announces Round-Robin Wars

Posted: On every office breakroom bulletin board in the country

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a creative effort to make the United States' multiple wars more efficient and less taxing on the American public, Pres. George W. Bush has proposed a series of round-robin wars to settle international conflicts.

"With all these countries, it's hard to keep track of who hates who because of whatever thingamajig happened a thousand years ago," Bush said at a Monday morning Rose Garden press conference. "So I figured if we did it like the Final Four and created a grid and put some money on the thing, we could get through this in an orderly fashion -- and finally get the American people behind it."

Bush outlined a few matchups he would like to see before he leaves office in January. They include:

• Israel vs. Hezbollah where the winner adopts the other's religion
  
• Canada vs. Mexico: winner finally gets bragging rights for being the most least-important important country to border the U.S.
• Because the president devised the plan -- and because this is the greatest country in the world, so love it or leave it -- the U.S. gets a bye in every round until the finals
  

Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace asked Bush how he came up with such a brilliant plan.

"I was on the shitter in the Oval Office bathroom, and this stuff just hits you," he said. "I thank the three-alarm chili I ate last night. Now watch this wipe."

U.S. Makes Final Offer for Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes

MacMood Onomatopoeia, like Rod Roddy just announced, "A Brand New Car!"

Posted: Near the checkout line. No credit check! Cancel any time!

GENEVA -- In a renewed effort to get stalled talks moving forward again with Iran, the United States is offering Iran its best and final plan: 700 anytime minutes, free nights and weekends starting at 6 p.m. instead of 9 and two free iPhones with a $400 rebate in 10 to 12 weeks (not valid with any other offer). The U.S. has never offered such concessions to a consumer, much less a rogue nation, and Democrats were outraged.

"Two free iPhones? Why not just hand them our Constitution?" said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Harry Reid, the Senate's Democratic majority leader, tried to look upset and brooding and overcome his nice-old-grandpa-y persona.

"I am very very upset about this," he said. "I have a crappy old Nokia with a horrible plan, and though I've disagreed with the president many times, I've never called him the Great Satan or chanted 'Death to America!' I guess that's what it takes to get an iPhone these days."

"Death to America," he added.

In a surprising policy reversal -- the 14th in just over a week -- Democratic nominee Sen. Barack Obama said he supports the offer to talk more with Iran.

"It's about time we revised the Bush administration's tired tactic of prank-calling Iran, asking if their shah is running and sending them text messages that say things like, 'RU still :( @ Israel?' That's not diplomacy."

Republican nominee Sen. John McCain, however, says the U.S. needs to be even tougher on Iran.

"My friends, we can't afford to spend 700 minutes talking with Iran any time they want," he said. "If there's a phone ringing in the White House at 3 a.m., I certainly don't want it to be MacMood Onomatopoeia looking to chat. My friends, that time difference is a bitch. I'm old and I need my sleep."

Iran responded to the offer through the Swiss embassy by activating the two iPhones in the parking lot because they couldn't wait to get home. Once the phones were activated, they began playing with the online version of PhotoShop to make Iranian news agency pictures depict that four iPhones, not two, were given away.

They also watched countless YouTube episodes of "Will It Blend?"

What is the world saying about this article?
New York Times--July 22, 2008 called the Free-Ass. Press "the fake news site whose name can't be repeated here."
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