Free-Ass. Corrections For the Week Ending Friday

Posted: Right now, in hopes of getting something right.

As a public service, the editors at Free-Ass. Press wish to express regret for a few minor mistakes or missed comedic opportunities in past stories that our loyal readers and the same three very loud digg haters who always point s**t out have brought to our attention.

Hertz will not rent you a Space Shuttle. In our story, "Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices," we claimed that one could rent a Space Shuttle from Hertz. We checked. Even when you present a Hertz #1 Club Gold card and enter discount code CDP# 77694, the best they'll offer you is a free shuttle to long-term parking. Also, forget the refueling option and collision damage waiver -- total ripoff. If you were to rent the Space Shuttle, the chances of colliding with another Space Shuttle would be extremely remote.

Jerry Yang is not 13. In our story, "Yahoo! Searches Yahoo! Finance for Yahoo! Answers about Yahoo! Buyout," we claimed that Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang is 13 years old. Although Jerry Yang is not 13, his ego really is a 50-foot tall inflatable Asian persona in a purple polo. We truly regret the error of his age, but we meant every word about his whiny little bitch of an attitude.

The Japanese prime minister's last name is not "F*ck You, Duh."
In our story, "Bush Sends China a Short Message Ahead of Beijing Olympics," we claimed Japanese Prime Minister Fukuda's name was pronounced, "F**k You, Duh." This is incorrect. The prime minister's name is actually pronounced foo-KOO-duh, which in Japanese means "pool boy for wealthy man."

We forgot to snatch up the digg handle "CutlassSoupReam" before posting the digg story. Although our story, "Digg Users Hate Everything; Bury Internet," became the No. 1 story on digg.com, we missed an excellent opportunity to make comedy a reality. Our bad. You're welcome, jr cmuntington, a 20 year-old gentleman from IL (US) who joined Digg on July 7th, 2008. Honorable mention goes to digg user takatoo for trying.

Ass-Burger's Syndrome is not funny.
The picture we posted for the story, "McDonald's Pulls Recalled Tomatoes, All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese," featured a woman afflicted with a rare disease known as "Ass-Burger's Syndrome." This is a serious medical condition and not a Big Mac. We apologize to everyone who vomited on their keyboard.

McCain: "I Know How To Win Wars ... and 'Battleship'"

Posted: On a tiny, white plastic peg in B-5

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -- Sen. McCain has upped the ante in his battle for the presidency against Barack Obama. In a show of confidence of presidential proportions, McCain announced today that "the way to win the war in Afghanistan is by using the same strategies we used in Iraq."

"My friends, if you're talking about winning in Afghanistan, which last I heard we won six years ago, the best plan is to bankrupt the U.S. treasury, send soldiers into battle unprepared and underprotected, lie to the American public and fabricate intelligence. I can do these things and I will do these things when I'm President of the United States. I'm also pretty good at Battleship, which will help us plot strategy in our upcoming war with Iran."

The secret, McCain explained, is to place ships diagonally to throw off your opponent, even though they won't fit on the board correctly.

"That way, even if they get several hits, the enemy gets frustrated wondering why your ships haven't sunk," he said. McCain challenged Obama's ability to come up with a similarly creative plan.

"My friends, Senator Obama has repeatedly said that if elected, he would immediately withdraw his destroyer and PT boat. This is not only not smart, it's illegal," said McCain.

When asked about Sen. McCain's comments, Barack Obama said, "I'm more of a Risk kind of guy."

"We need to be as careful getting out of Yakutsk and Kamchatka as George Bush was careless getting in," he added.

Feds Bail Out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac: Couple Sad to Learn They Meant Two Banks

Posted: Last week, we swear. The postage must be wrong or something. We'll get that out today. That's a promise.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Treasury Department and Federal Reserve took a historic step yesterday in agreeing to provide additional lending support to Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae as they continue to incur mounting losses tied to multiplying mortgage defaults. The Greenville, Miss., couple was visibly moved by the federal government's generosity, which they heard out about while watching the local evening news.

"I don't know how the government came to find out that our little old family from rural Mississippi was having trouble making the mortgage payment, but we're extremely grateful," said Freddie Mac Gibson, 38. Buddy Piszel, Executive Vice President at the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation, also known as Freddie Mac, laughed when he heard about the misunderstanding.

"I can see how these two would think we were talking about them and not two major banks," he said. "I mean, who names a bank Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac anyway? They sound like a candy company and a pasta dish named after a stand-up comedian. No wonder investors don't have any confidence in these two institutions."

But Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae Gibson are staying hopeful. "We're the only Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae in the tri-state area. Surely the federal government wouldn't let its own citizens lose their homes."

However, Piszel explained, the fact remains that the Gibsons need to pay their mortgage.

"They're three weeks away from defaulting, so they better get off their asses, stop watching sh*tty local news and figure out how to start paying us back," he said. "The government only bails out inefficient, top-heavy institutions that make questionable lending decisions who then come crying to us when their overreaching, insatiable greed gets them in trouble. We don't have time to deal with hard-working individuals who are $3,000 behind on their house payments. How dare they?"

"We want our money," he added.

Iran Test-Fires Missiles: U.S. Begins Wallet-Rattling

Posted: In small type toward the bottom of the "Mission Accomplished" banner

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As a provocative show of force against Israel and the United States, Iran test-fired seven medium- to long-range missiles and two deadly PhotoShop missiles late last week. The unarmed missiles as well as the non-existent ones were aimed at nothing in particular in an empty desert area inside Iran.

In response, Pres. George Bush immediately spent $500,000,000,000 on nothing in particular to show Iran that the United States means business and is not afraid to waste immense amounts of money on regime change that will eventually backfire as it unfailingly has in the past.

"Iran will be in shock and awe at the amount of money the U.S. is capable of throwing away to destroy their country and then prop up a weak, fledgling, ineffective puppet government. It's even proven that Arab peopleses in Arab countries probably love to be invaded by Americans," said Bush. "Someone told me that."

Bush's so-called "wallet-rattling" met with a swift rebuke from the Democratic-controlled Congress, who told Bush they would not fund his efforts. They then fast-tracked three blank checks to cover absolutely anything Bush wants until he leaves office.

"Now that's what I call 'cut and run,'" Bush said with a smirk. "It's like they cut the checks and I run and buy me some new camouflaged toys to show those Eye-ranians."

Big Oil Drops Prices: Gas Now $2.05 per Half-Gallon

Posted: 4:00 minutes ago for regular, 4:15 ago for plus and 4:35 ago for premium posting time; ask me how to get 10 minutes back on your next story

IRVING, Texas -- Responding to the growing chorus of fed-up politicians and consumers angry about high gasoline prices, on Friday the nation's five largest oil companies slashed prices in half effective immediately. Gas, which averaged $4.10 per gallon for regular unleaded last week, is now holding steady at $2.05 per half-gallon.

"I want people to feel confident that they can buy gas without the psychological burden of common sense telling them that it's too expensive," said Rex W. Tillerson, CEO and chairman of ExxonMobil, the world's largest publicly traded oil company. "These are tough economic times for many, many Americans who aren't me."

One of those Americans, Lech Popinski, Tillerson's personal driver who was recently naturalized, precipitated the change when he mentioned how high gas prices were negatively affecting his family's tight budget.

"I fired him on the spot and turned his family in to Homeland Security," Tillerson explained. "But upon further reflection, I thought, 'He's right. I should do something.'"

After submitting Popinski's termination paperwork to human resources, Tillerson summoned his marketing team and challenged them to come up with a new pricing scheme.

"After crunching the numbers and spelling 'shelloil' and 'bigboobs' upside down on their calculators several times, those guys hit it out of the park," Tillerson said. "People should thank us. I could have gone with Henderson's idea to start charging $8.20 per double gallon."