Bush Sends China a Short Message Ahead of Beijing Olympics

Japanese Prime Minister Fukuda knows exactly why Bush wants to be his friend in Beijing.

A Free-Ass. Extra!!!

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Pres. George W. Bush, who faced intense criticism at the G-8 summit for planning to attend the opening ceremonies of this summer's Olympic Games, chose a more passive-aggressive statement for the Chinese government.

Bush's press secretary announced this morning that Bush will attend the ceremonies with Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda, introducing him to every Chinese government official they meet as "My good friend, F**k You Duh."

Budget Office OKs Reality Stimulus Checks for Mental Recession

Posted: On this dumb guy's forehead

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Former Republican Sen. Phil Gramm, a top advisor to Sen. John McCain, said today that Americans who claim the economy is in a recession are delusional. "You've heard of mental depression? This is a mental recession," Gramm said.

Fearing an election-year backlash against Republicans, the Congressional Budget Office immediately approved millions of "Reality Checks" to help stimulate Americans' sagging mental condition.

"Republicans understand that Americans are dumber than most," said Republican Minority Whip Roy Blunt of Missouri. "This plan provides $300 for 'out-to-lunch' Americans, $600 for the 'somewhat slow' independent voters and $1,500 each for the wealthiest one-half of one percent of Americans; $3,000 for those who are married filing jointly." Sen. Barack Obama responded immediately to the plan.

"I want you to ask yourself: Are you dumber today than you were eight years ago?" The crowd of thousands responded with a resounding "Yes, we are!" while people still entering the event walked into walls, drooled on their neighbors and whined endlessly about the economy.

Pres. George Bush, on a golf outing, answered some impromptu questions about the new push, but stopped short of saying the word "recession."

"What we've got here is just one big American brain fart; our economy's at recess, but we're going to line everybody up holding hands behind this plan, just like we did with Iraq," he said. "Now watch this drive."

Can't Get It Up? F**k A Watermelon

A Chinese farmer shows off his ass-shaped watermelon. Boob shaped melons are also for sale in assorted sizes.

Posted: Wait, what was that headline?!?!

LUBBOCK, Texas -- Researchers at Texas A&M's Fornication Analysis Project (FAP) have discovered that watermelons contain arginine, a key ingredient that has the same effect on the body as the drug Sildenafil, more commonly known as Viagra.

"I've been f**king watermelons for years," said Dr. Derek Miller, the FAP's executive director. "But I never really thought about why. It just always felt really good. Maybe it was the seeds; maybe the pulpy rind. I needed answers -- and a Kleenex."

Miller's team found that in order to get the Viagra effect, a person would need to f**k more than 6 cups of watermelon in one sitting. The only problem is that watermelon is also a diuretic.

"It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place -- literally. It's either whiz or jizz, and that just isn't a choice any man should have to make, especially when the captain is saluting like it's Independence Day. Peeing in that condition is the worst."

Dr. Miller is currently planning a civil union ceremony with an 8-pound seedless yellow honeyheart melon in August.

Flordia Gov. Charlie Crist in EnGAYged

Posted: On my closet wall

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, rumored to be on the short list for the vice presidential spot on John McCain's ticket, has gotten engaged.

People who know Crist well, like Sen. Larry Craig, say he has been listening intently, working hard and asking pointed questions when learning about topics he doesn't know.

"Charlie is really engaged these days," said Erin Isaac, Crist's press secretary. "So much so that he doesn't have the time to focus on a relationship with a woman. He's more interested in lowering taxes, making healthcare more affordable and leading the way on climate change for Floridians."

When told that Crist was actually engaged to be married to Carole Rome, his nine-month girlfriend and the 38-year-old president of Franco American Novelty Company, which sells Halloween costumes, Isaac was at a loss for words.

"Oh, that kind of engaged? Really?" she asked. "He has a girlfriend? Really? Are you sure? Wow. Wait, you're talking about the governor of Florida, that Charlie Crist, right? Huh. Amazing. Well, I guess he has finally found a partner for his masquerade."

If true, Crist would be the first gay governor to get engaged to a person of the wrong sex. However, sources close to Crist say that Carole Rome is actually a man in Franco American's best-selling costume, "Hot Young Brunette."

"I'm not gay," added Sen. Craig.

Big Bird Just a Costume! Day Care Center Riots; Grover in Hiding

Posted: On the lid of Oscar the Grouch's new recycling bin condo

SESAME STREET -- The recent death of Kermit Love, creator of the bright yellow Big Bird costume, has left millions of children feeling angry and betrayed as they discover Big Bird was just a dude in a suit and that their parents have been lying to them about just about everything.

Riots broke out at elementary schools and day care centers around the country as the news began to spread last week. Not since the 1969 Tooth Fairy rumors sparked New York City's Stonewall riots has such widespread civil unrest occurred.

"The loss of innocence this news has caused has been absolutely devastating," reported Kermit the Frog -- who is real -- in a trench coat. "I've never seen a single event kill so much naivete."

Complicating matters even further, the Big Bird revelation now throws previous controversies over his drunken driving arrest and subsequent lawsuits into question.

After ruling out fair play in Love's death, investigators have arrested Maria, last name unknown, who ran the Fix It Shop with her husband, Luis, last name also unknown. Luis disappeared two years ago after allegations that the Fix It Shop doesn't really fix anything. Authorities would not say if there was a connection between that case and Love's death. Big Bird's attorney, Grover, has also gone into hiding.

Love's distraught widow, Courtney, wouldn't publicly comment about her husband's sudden death at 91, ignoring reporters when questioned as she exited her car at a Los Angeles Rowlf's grocery store.

"F is for 'f**k you,'" she said.

Digg Users Hate Everything; Bury Internet

Posted: Right after it went popular, but just before it got buried

INTERNETLAND -- Digg.com users registered their insatiable discontent in a perfect storm of negative comments about so many articles that they unwittingly buried the entire Internet.

Within seconds of the interruption, the NASDAQ dropped 47 percent. The New York Times covered the NASDAQ story and tried to post it, but Digg users immediately buried the article for being inaccurate, boring and older than eight seconds.

"Keeeey-rist, NASDAQ is lame," wrote Digg user AxlRosewater. "How does this s**t ever make it to the front page? BURIED."

"Everyone knows that the NASDAQ dropped 46.99999999998 percent, not 47 percent," pointed out user CutlassSoupReam. "Plus, this was on the front page three minutes ago. Buried to make room for a real article."

According to Digg executives, the hours-long disappearance of the Internet was caused by an influx of top 10 lists, articles debunking rumors that Barack Obama is a gay, crack-smoking Muslim Manchurian candidate; and postings from The Onion and lame wannabe Onion imitators whose articles are always taken seriously despite being posted in the comedy section, where they are buried as completely unfunny and "f**king lame sh*t written by a 12-year-old."

Many Digg users were crestfallen at the shutdown.

"I don't know what happened," said Ward Boedeker, who runs a blog about vintage fondue pots out of his home in Chino, Calif. "My article was about to go popular with like 149 diggs -- and then it vanished. My life's dream of educating the public about hot cheese through a viral, grassroots effort on Digg ... gone!"

Digg's crack team, however, moved quickly to avert further crises by adjusting its convoluted algorithm so that users could begin mercilessly ridiculing everything again. No one knew about the move, however, because the notice, posted on Digg's front page, was immediately buried.

"Wannabe Digg executives," wrote user Diggdeeznuts. "Buried!"

What is the world saying about this article?
This became the #1 story on Digg.com on July 7, 2008.
Fat-Man-Collective Blog Post ... said Free-Ass. Press is his "new God."