Google Search Terms That Landed People at Free-Ass. Press

Posted: On Google under "ass blast monkey politics"

INTERNETLAND -- In a tribute to free speech and freedom of the Free-Ass. Press on Independence Day, the Free-Ass. editorial board wishes to share with you a sampling of the hundreds of Google search terms that new readers have used to find our site.

Though we can't -- and don't want to -- see what people like this guy look like when they are alone and naked, we thought you'd want to see what they're typing. Happy 4th of July!

1. www.black boobs and ass sex.com
2. chelsea clinton braless
3. massive asses rachael ray
4. two all beef patties special sauce lettuce
5. clown shoe mcdonald
6. tom gimbel gay foreigner
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8. dr. david birdstein
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10. lattimore slaves in greenville south carolina

Honorable Mentions
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Obama Campaign Rick Rolls John McCain

SEATTLE -- In their first town hall meeting today at Benaroya Hall, John McCain was present but Barack Obama surprisingly did not appear. With more than 500 local voters present, the Obama campaign played a prank on John McCain of presidential proportions. Obama "Rick Rolled" McCain.

"Rick Rolling" is a prank made famous on YouTube for which the sole purpose of the prank is to play the 1987 Rick Astley video "Never Gonna Give You Up."

When Barack Obama was introduced, a large video screen in the background lit up and played the Rick Astley video. The audience burst into laughter and applause.

"My friends, I don't find this at all humorous," said an angry McCain. "I don't support torture and I never will," McCain shouted over peals of laughter.

See the live video of this event.

While McCain was reeling from his prank, Obama campaigned in McCain's home state of Arizona and registered 7 million democratic voters.

McCain Unveils Environmental Plan: Build Death Star

Posted: In docking bay 94

PIPE DREAM, Ariz. -- While Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama campaigned together last Friday in Unity, N.H., Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled his new plan to save the Earth from global warming in Pipe Dream, Ariz.

"My friends, my pragmatic, realistic, bipartisan plan is to relocate all Americans away from planet Earth by the end of 2011 once we build a fully operational, planet-sized battle station with a kick-ass laser to kill terrorists, planets and/or terrorist planets."

At a press event later that afternoon, an FAP reporter asked McCain how he plans to get all U.S. residents to the Death Star in an efficient manner. McCain waved his hand and said, "These aren't the answers you're looking for. Move along, you little jerk!"

McCain's plan also promises a sound intergalactic social security plan, free trade with Mars and free health care which includes immunizations from a floating round robot with a syringe.

"If I lose this election," McCain added, "I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Top Chefs Race to Napa Wildfires as Tankers Drop Rare Cabernet

Posted: At the time to make the wine

NAPA VALLEY, Calif. -- As wildfires burned thousands of acres of prime Napa Valley vineyards last week, the U.S. Forest Service's stainless steel air tankers were filled with the only liquid readily available in abundance: rare single-estate Cabernets and Pinot Noirs.

To reinforce the flying sommeliers, Forest Service officials called in hundreds of the nation's top chefs to prepare dishes that would best complement these wines. First on the scene was Mario Batali with four saucier pans, two 10-inch frying pans and a wok in his fat hands.

"The chance to cook my signature Bruschetta Al-Inferno with a 1990 Caymus Vineyards Special Selection Cab over a wild redwood fire is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," he said. "Although I would have preferred the wine be delivered from oak casques instead of stainless because oak has more character, beggars can't be can't be choosers."

Also on the scene were several Food Network producers, who immediately began filming an episode "Iron Chef America" that featured 6,000 gallons of 2002 Opus One Merlot as the main ingredient.

Initially, police and firefighters had trouble keeping these chefs out, but when offered a sample of Charlie Trotter's dill and truffle risotto on tuilles with a 1941 Inglenook Grand Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon, they relented. Rachael Ray, however, was denied entry because her voice could not take any more smoke than it was exposed to while she was in college.

U.S. Forest Service Fire Chief Karen Walsh spoke to reporters about the fires' impact. "The smoke has an earthy hue with just a hint of oaky tannins," she said. "It definitely extends deep into your palette with a silky richness -- but it's not so thick as to be brooding."

Bill Gates' Retirement Postponed Due To Security Updates

Posted: 01011001001010100001110100

SEATTLE -- The retirement party for Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was cut short last Friday to allow for three hours and 28 minutes of multiple Microsoft Vista security downloads, service pack updates and patch installations.

Microsoft's human resources department tried its best to process Gates' retirement request. The department's computers, though, kept delivering pop-up messages every five f**king minutes asking if they wanted to install the updates and restart their computers.

"I think I'm going to shoot myself," said Gregg Arst, Microsoft's HR director. "Bill Gates can kiss my f**king a**, the c**k-s**king billionaire mother nerd f**ker! Tell Bill Gates to go f**k himself!"

"That's off the record," he added, one expletive-laden insult too late.

Seven hours, five restarts and two suicides later, Microsoft ultimately processed Gates' retirement request. He then made his final announcement to the company.

"So long, suckers -- I'm finally going to buy a Mac!"