China Installs High-Powered Luxury Showers for Olympics VIPs

Posted: On a tank in Tiananmen Square

BEIJING -- In anticipation of the arrival of high-level foreign officials and guests from non-communist countries, China is rolling out the welcome mat. Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao has ordered workers to install high-powered luxury showers for all guests that the Chinese state deems "special."

This announcement comes on the heels of the redesigned Olympic torch, as reported by the Free-Ass. Press on April 16, 2008. Also available during the Olympics will be the Chinese minimalist shower where the VIP is secured to a massage table and water droplets are then dropped one by one on the person's forehead for hours on end.

Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee, said he looks forward to experiencing this "exciting Oriental tradition."

McCain Marriage a Hoax; Cindy Appearances Just Recycled Clips from The Young and the Restless

A Free-Ass. Exposé

GENOA CITY, Wis. -- After a stunning months-long investigation that entailed extensive speculation and TV watching at the gym during lunch, FAP has discovered that John and Cindy McCain are not actually married. In fact, Cindy McCain isn't even real.

"Cindy" is just another elaborate scheme concocted by Genoa City socialite and troublemaker Gloria Bardwell. The only thing she craves more than money is power -- according to court records from the twice-widowed gold-digger's divorce from third husband Jeffrey Bardwell, the surviving twin of District Attorney William Bardwell, her second husband who died of a stroke late last year before he could uncover a murder plot involving Gloria and some tainted Jabot face cream -- and Sen. McCain has it in spades.

Gloria's son and lawyer, Michael Baldwin, has advised her that pretending to be a presidential candidate's wife is not a very good idea and will only get her into trouble, especially considering poll numbers showing Sen. Barack Obama with a significant lead over McCain.

"Are you crazy?" he asked, in his hysterical half-whisper. "I can't leave you alone for five minutes. Does [my half-brother] Kevin know about this?"

"No, and I don't care," she said. "I love John McCain, and there isn't a damn thing that you, Jeffrey Bardwell or Jack Abbott can do about it."

Gloria then dramatically exited the room, sensually putting on her elbow-length, leopard-print gloves as her son stared at the door for at least five seconds before the show went to commercial. To cool her heels while CBS aired an ad for the Mr. Clean® Magic Eraser® With Febreze® Fresh Scent, Gloria ate lunch at the Genoa City Athletic Club, the only restaurant in the entire city. It was there that she ran into the other senator in her life: Jack Abbott.

"Well, hello Gloria," he said with his signature cocky smirk as he worked through a handful of cocktail peanuts. "Or should I say, 'Cindy'? How's the presidential race treating you?" Before she could answer, Newman patriarch and billionaire business tycoon Victor Newman appeared at the back of the room.

"You've been damn fooling people all these years, Jack Abbott," he screamed for no apparent reason. "Did you put her up to this? Don't forget: I've derailed your state senate ambitions, and I'll sink John McCain too. You got that?"

Yahoo! Searches Yahoo! Finance for Yahoo! Answers About Yahoo! Buyout

Pictured at right: Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang and his ego in the purple polo.

Posted: Just after we found out Yahoo! Answers tackled one of our stories. Check it out!

YAHOO!LAND -- After turning down a $9 billion deal to sell to Microsoft last week, Yahoo! CEO Jerry Yang continued his ridiculous junior high game of "I'm selling." "No, I'm not." "Yes, I am." "No, I'm not," until he and other Yahoo! executives finally concluded that they are immature, completely indecisive and needed some Yahoo! Answers.

Some of the responses to Yang's question, "Should Yahoo! sell to Microsoft?," included: "You're gay," "Discount Viagra, only £24.63!," and "Jesus loves Jerry Yang."

To which 13-year-old Yang replied, "It's mine! You can't have it. I hate you and you're stupid C++ java script." In a statement released after receiving Yang's Yahoo! Answers, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, "I think it's time to call the Wambulance! Wah! Wah! Wah! Do you want some cheese with your whine? Jerry Yang is a doo-doo head!"

When FAP pointed out to Yang that $9 billion could feed every person on the planet for a day, he said, "I don't care! I don't care!" before running away to his 47,000-square-feet estate, where he slammed the door and then slumped to the floor, sobbing with his head between his knees.

"It's not fair!" he screamed.

U.S. Gov't Gets Environmentally Friendly Weapons

Pictured at left: The Pentagon's new environmentally friendly nuke with an organic shiitake mushroom cloud that looks good enough to eat!

Posted: In the WMD section at Whole Foods

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. military has announced an initiative to use more environmentally friendly weapons in times of war. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates called the initiative "a necessary step in the war against global warming and terrorists."

Some of the weapons include organic mustard gas, Agent Orange with real orange peel that naturally cleans as it kills, grenades made from recycled milk jugs, bunker-buster bombs loaded with seeds and Miracle-Gro so that after a bunker explodes and kills the f**k out of any living organism within 2 square miles, the dirt seeds itself and a beautiful red, white and blue wildflower mix grows in its place.

"We are also trying to make weapons that are seasonal, organic and local," said Gates. "Though Iran has offered to assist in this effort by making their IEDs in factories right next door to Iraq, we have declined because they are not organic, despite being local."

After employing Iraqis to make bullets using fair-trade, single-estate gun powder, Americans then shoot those Iraqis using the same bullets. In a word: recycling.

"We will save approximately 700 tons of carbon per day by shooting Iraqis with locally made bullets," Gates added.

He also has future plans to employ Russians in making "green" nukes. Through its actions, the military has also promised to create homegrown terrorists in the next few years, though their yields tend to be radical and unpredictable, despite also being local.

Astronauts Hardest Hit By High Gas Prices

Pictured at right: The George W. Bush appointee/look-alike who thought of the brilliant idea.

Posted: In T-minus five, four, three, two, one

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. -- With fuel prices in the U.S. now averaging $4.07 per gallon and climbing, no one has been harder hit than NASA astronauts. To lessen that impact, NASA has announced that it will now allow its non-essential astronauts to telecommute.

"We were seeing a steady exodus of astronauts leaving the space program for jobs where they can earn $10,000 a month working at home in their underwear," said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin. "There were just too many yellow signs nailed to telephone poles near the base. Way too many."

Although it looks very cool, driving the Space Shuttle will cost you. The shuttle burns 540,000 gallons of fuel just to go 200 miles, costing $2,197,800 to fill the tank. If you rent the Shuttle from Hertz, that jumps to $3,421,675. That's roughly 3.7037 x 10-4 miles per gallon, which ranks just slightly more fuel-efficient than the Hummer H2, which gets 3.7036 x 10-4 mpg.

"I mortgaged my house twice for our last trip -- twice!" said Cmdr. Kenneth Ham, pilot of STS-124, the Space Shuttle's most recent flight. "Why would I do that again when I can work from home and wear my favorite, 'One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor' shirt?"

When asked how an astronaut telecommutes to work, Griffin said, "It's easy: Google Universe. You just zoom way in at whatever you want to look at. It's kinda pixelated, but no one knows what the f**k that stuff looks like anyway. Then, I do all my hands-on experiments in the bathtub."

Astronauts who still ride the Shuttle, though, say it's worth the high fuel cost.

"I've got three words for you: Chick. Mag. Net," said Capt. Brent W. Jett, Jr., commander of STS-115.

NASA is now attempting to engineer a more fuel-efficient vehicle for when they retire the Space Shuttle program in 2010. Currently, NERF and Estes are vying for a multibillion dollar contract to create a 50-foot-tall version of the foot-pump rocket.