Free-Ass. Corrections

Posted: See, this is just awkward now because I know I'll have to apologize for this posting some time later.

As a public service, the editors at Free-Ass. Press wish to correct a few minor mistakes that both our loyal readers and three very loud digg haters have brought to our attention regarding past stories.

Strawberry Shortcake is Not Mexican
In the story, "Americans Won't Let Mexicans Do Jobs Americans Won't Do," we ran a picture of Strawberry Shortcake. It was brought to our attention that our photo implied that Strawberry Shortcake was Mexican. This is inaccurate. Strawberry Shortcake actually comes from Strawberry World where it rains strawberries, and custard rivers flow, and everyone is happy, unlike Mexico.

Misspelling of "F**k"
Several readers pointed out to our editorial board that the banner in our story "Bush Gets 'More Specific' Banner" had a misspelling. The banner read, "What The F**k Were We Thinking?" "F**k" should actually have been spelled "F**k." We apologize for any confusion or wars this oversight may have caused.

Obscene Photo of Some Dude's "Nutz"
It was brought to our attention that the photo in "'Truck Nutz' May Get Neutered" shows a gentleman who appears to have his genitalia hanging below his pickup truck's bumper. This was an unintended optical illusion. We apologize to the man in the photo, although we have received reports that his love life has taken a turn for the better since our story was published. He thinks it was the truck. We think it was the Nutz.

Inaccurate Posting Time ... again
It was discovered that the Free-Ass. story "Reviews of Summer Blockbusters We Haven't Seen Yet" had an inaccurate posting time. The story listed, "November 5th, 1955." The actual posting time was the day it was posted, not November 5th, 1955. We regret that anyone cares when our stories get posted.

Non-Specific Details on Bombing of Syria
In our story, "U.S. Will Obliterate Syria 'Probably Wednesday or Thursday,'" we quoted U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates saying the U.S. would bomb Syria "probably Wednesday or Thursday." However, we did not specify which Wednesday or Thursday. The Syrian government confirms that their Blockbuster Video with North Korean management is still under construction.

John McCain Proposes Tax Breaks to Unborn Children

A Free-Ass. photographer captures the exact moment McCain thought of this brilliant idea.

Posted: Just after it was conceived

ATLANTA -- Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain, on shaky ground with many pro-life voters in the Republican base, is trying to woo them with a new proposal offering generous tax breaks to unborn children.

"My friends, life begins at conception and so do tax breaks," McCain said at a campaign stop in Decatur, Ga. "Children are being evicted from their mother's uteruses every day. Under my plan, they will be able to afford to stay in the uterus indefinitely -- or at least until they're back on their feet again."

McCain's several-point plan also outlines tax breaks for children who provide up to 17 twinkles in their parents' eyes per fiscal year as well as for children who are housing-dependent imaginary friends.

"My friends, Senator Obama says this plan is ludicrous but I ask you, my friends: Are unborn children ludicrous?" he asked. "Senator Obama, the baby-murdering, imaginary-friend-hating, tax-and-spend Muslim thinks so."

David Copperfield Plans to Make Israel Disappear

Posted: On flash paper that then turned into a bird that then turned into a $100 bill

LAS VEGAS -- In his boldest illusion yet, magician David Copperfield has announced plans to make Israel disappear in a one-hour TV special to air later this summer on CBS.

As a Jewish American, Copperfield took Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's recent statement that "Israel will soon disappear" as extremely offensive and inappropriate, and vowed to do something about it.

"These hateful words are a direct challenge to my magic skills," Copperfield said. "You can't just waltz in and say, 'I'm going to make Israel disappear.' Do you know how many mirrors, curtains and perfectly positioned video cameras it takes to get a whole country to disappear? A lot."

Copperfield's past illusions include making the Statue of Liberty vanish; walking through the Great Wall of China; and making the world believe a guy who does magic can get someone as hot as Claudia Schiffer to marry him.

When told by his First Vice President Parviz Davudi that Copperfield had already made the Statue of Liberty disappear on TV nearly 25 years ago, Ahmadinejad became visibly upset and sawed Davudi in half before making him disappear.

Midwest Floods; FEMA Races to New Orleans

FEMA Chief Michael Chertoff was asked at a congressional hearing which part of his head he uses for thinking.

Posted: On the door of the flooded city hall in Iowa City

NEW ORLEANS -- After a string of record-breaking floods and disasters in the Midwest, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) instantly sprung into action, dispatching its most elite emergency response team to New Orleans.

"We heard on the news that Hurricane Katrina hit, and we aren't going to let the people of New Orleans down," said Michael Chertoff, secretary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. "That's a promise."

Just the sight of FEMA made New Orleans residents climb trees and strand themselves on rooftops hoping to avoid getting help from the agency, which, according to FEMA officials, just learned about Hurricane Katrina this week after accidentally taking a left at the Mississippi River instead of a right on its way to Iowa from Washington, D.C.

"What's FEMA?" asked Leroy St. Croix, a resident of New Orleans' Lower 9th Ward.

When told that FEMA was a disaster relief agency overseen by the federal government whose administrator ultimately answers to the president of the United States, St. Croix waved his hand dismissively.

"Black people don't care about George Bush," he said. "Isn't FEMA that company that makes those cancer-filled trailers?"

Sen. Larry Craig Marries Lover in Quaint Bathroom Ceremony

Also married over the weekend were Ellen DeGeneres and her partner, actress Portia de Rossi. Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain escorted DeGeneres down the aisle.

Posted: As a centerfold in "Congressional Quarterly"

SAN FRANCISCO -- Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), despite being opposed to same-sex marriage, has apparently widened his stance on the issue. Earlier today, Craig arrived at San Francisco City Hall to wed Sgt. Dave Karsnia, the Minneapolis Airport plainclothes police officer who busted him in a bathroom last June. The nuptials can move forward thanks to a recent California Supreme Court ruling that struck down a ban on gay marriage.

"With this foot, I thee flirt," said Craig to his betrothed, who then handcuffed Craig and slapped him playfully in the face.

The private ceremony was held in a quaint public bathroom on the third floor at San Francisco City Hall. In an interview after the ceremony, Craig said, in his highly oratorical and completely off-putting voice, "We wanted all of the heat to die down before we went forward with this. Well ... not all the heat."

Craig vowed to love and honor Karsnia and never admit that he is actually gay. He also vowed to continue to ruin the institution of marriage with his current wife, Suzanne.

Guests in the other stalls included disgraced megachurch leader Ted Haggard, former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.) and Washington State Rep. Richard Curtis, who all cried and hugged before releasing statements condemning gay marriage and voicing their unwavering support for a constitutional ban on gay people, marriage, rainbow flags, Teletubbies and Melissa Etheridge.

"It's how we always imagined it," said a teary-eyed Craig.

"I'm not gay," he added.

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