Obama Veep Vetter Vetted for Better Vetter Voter

Posted: After Valentine's Day but before Veterans Day

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. -- One of Sen. Barack Obama's three Veep vetters, Jim Johnson, was vetted via voicemail for a better vetter-voter Vednesday. Obama vehemently and viciously vetoed his veep vetter who vociferously voiced his various vapid and voluminous vagueries, views and vantage points.

Obama verbalized that he will vanquish McCain and voice victory by veering not in vain to find a vastly better vetter with a venerable, versatile veneer vis-a-vis a value-added, varied veep-vetter varietal voter.

Obama vowed not to vacation but remain vigilant in valuing a visionary VIP veep virtuoso to vitalize voters and voyage him to victory in his new vocation.

Asked to voice his opinion, very likely loser Sen. John McCain volunteered: "Obama's a vagina."

Hillary Lost Because Bill Didn't Sleep Around Enough

A Free-Ass. Exclusive

NEW YORK -- In the post-election analyses, experts believe that Sen. Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic presidential nomination mostly because of her husband, former President Bill Clinton. Though his tirades against Vanity Fair reporters and his kinda-sorta, not-really-racist, because-Bill-is-supposed-to-be-black-too comparisons of Sen. Barack Obama to the Rev. Jesse Jackson didn't help, the issue became clear.

Bill Clinton simply couldn't bed uncommitted superdelegates fast enough.

"I slept with 286 superdelegates in 17 months, including Rep. Barney Frank [D-Mass.]," Bill Clinton said. "That's about 1.78 superdelegates per day, and when you're my age, you know what '.78' means."

Some attribute Hillary's loss to math and fair-and-square voting that put Obama over the top, but Bill says it was all him.

"It takes time to get these folks drunk and giggly and then coax them into your caravan of SUVs to do the 'Superdelegate Samba,' all while keeping the Secret Service and Hillary distracted."

Clinton has said he plans to take some time off before campaigning for Obama.

"If you thought superdelegates were hard to please, wait until you meet the electors who make up the Electoral College," he said. "I'll need Al Gore to go tag team with me."

McDonald's Pulls Recalled Tomatoes, All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese

Posted: Next to the only Big Mac available in the United States

McDONALDLAND -- McDonald's restaurants are pulling all tomatoes from their sandwiches because of a salmonella scare that has affected the entire tomato industry. Out of an abundance of C-Y-A, however, McDonald's will pull several other ingredients.

The list includes all-beef patties (botulism outbreak); Special Sauce (nobody knows what the f*** it's made of outbreak); lettuce (E. coli outbreak) and cheese (papillomatosis outbreak; also known as "cheese disease").

"We are committed to the safety of our patrons," said Randy Stine, Assistant Associate Executive Safety Officer for the Golden Arches, "even if they just sit in our restaurants and stare at the wall, which most of them do."

Though they claim the rest of their food is safe, a local McDonald's gave this reporter second- and third-degree burns from the way-too-hot coffee and f***ing scorching fruit pies made of apple magma.

McDonald's famous song for the Big Mac has also been repenned to reflect the change: "Two all-hmmm patties, special hmmmm, hhhmm-hmmm, hmmmm; hmm-hmmmm, hmm-hmmmm on a sesame-seed hmmm."

God Blames Pat Robertson for String of Violent Storms

Posted: On our gay, liberal, activist, hippie, commie Web site

HEAVEN -- After the upper Midwest and Plains states received a lashing of violent thunderstorms, tornadoes and flooding over the past week, local residents were left seeking answers amid the soaked rubble of their destroyed homes and communities.

That answer came from the Big Man himself.

"I have warned Pat Robertson that if he continues to blame gays, liberals and 'judicial activism' for bad weather -- weather that I have repeatedly said I delegate out to the apostle level or lower -- that I would really give him something to complain about," said a vengeful God. "Christ, he makes me crazy."

Ironically, Robertson recently began appearing in an ad fighting global warming alongside the Rev. Al Sharpton for wecansolveit.org, a Web site created by The Alliance for Climate Protection, the organization of Interwebs founder and former Vice President Al Gore.

In the television ad, Robertson and Sharpton share a sofa on a clearly green-screened beachfront. Sharpton mentions how he ends up on "the left" on most issues. "And I'm usually right," Robertson says, a comment for which the Federal Trade Commission has fined Robertson $3.4 million for blatantly false advertising.

"I would just kill him, but he's gonna be so clingy when he gets to heaven," God added. "So much for intelligent design."

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$2.9B in Folgers Stock Secretly Replaced With Smucker's Stock

Posted: Next to my iced soy half-caf mocha no whip no foam

The J.M. Smucker Company, which, with a name like Smuckers, just has to be made fun of, announced last week that it agreed to buy the Folgers coffee brand from Procter & Gamble for $2.95 billion in stock.

The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock.

"Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!" he added.

Smucker will also assume $350 million of Folgers debt, which was incurred when Procter & Gamble executives expensed more than 7 million cups of Venti-sized Starbucks lattes over three years in an attempt to come up with a non-shitty alternative recipe for Folgers.

"We Proctor and Gambled and lost," said Karen Walsh, Folgers' chief concept officer. "What we found in our research was that our coffee f***ing blows and I mean, it blows hard. Have you tried this stuff? Seriously, like vomit in a cup, whisk in some caffeinated dog diarrhea and drink it. That's what it tastes like. I can't believe we sell this sh*t."

Analysts said the deal comes as no surprise. However, to sweeten the deal, Smucker's shareholders will also receive a one-time special dividend of 14 packets of Equal and a Garfield mug that says, "I Don't Do Mornings."

"No amount of Equal can offset that taste," Walsh added. "I think I'm gonna be sick."