William Hung To Star in Adult Movies

Posted: Just after I sold my soul to be an entertainment beat reporter

TARZANA, Calif. -- The adult film industry is abuzz with the news that William Hung, the "American Idol" failure who went on to become a bigger star than most past Idol winners with his ridiculous version of the Eagles' "Hotel California," will star in his own series of awkward adult movies.

His first film, "She Bangs," was released today. It shows an awkward Hung as a civil engineer who gets propositioned by every hot woman in his office. The film is considered a watershed in the porn industry because of its fantastic portrayal of women working at engineering firms, which are typically sausage parties.

"These films are rather minimalist," says producer Kirk Zipfel. "They're unique in the fact that Hung never gets it together enough to take his clothes off and actually have sex with anyone. But these films are going to be big money makers because we're marketing them toward the malorthodontiaphilia crowd. They go nuts for this guy."

As of press time, Hung had no plans to change his name, despite a pending lawsuit by veteran adult film actor Karl Hungus, star of 1970s adult film "Logjammin'."

Hunger Summit Attendees Start Food Fight

Posted: On my fourth trip to the Ponderosa buffet

ROME -- This week, the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization hosted a gathering of world leaders for a hunger summit, which aimed to gain commitments from attending nations to donate money and food for global famine relief.

The summit quickly turned sour when, during the opening black-tie dinner, Saudi Arabia's foreign minister called the ambassador from Finland a "lutefisk-eating infidel."

During the melee, a starving child looked on from outside, his ashen face pressed against the cool glass window. He asked, "What does sour taste like, Mama?"

Seconds later, the food began flying. The Italian delegation hurled gobs of risotto Milanese -- a delectably creamy arborio rice scented with saffron, shellfish, sausage, grated Parmesan, white wine and rare herbs. The Finland group then returned the favor, tossing pumpkin and shrimp-filled tortellini, each time slathering more diplomats with delicious buttery sauces and herbed accoutrements that were just too good to eat.

Initially, just a few tables participated in the fight until three chefs with tall hats and Swedish accents randomly wheeled in large carts full of goose liver paté for the scheduled food-sculpting contest. Mayhem ensued as diplomats began flinging paté and wrestling, covered in the supple, fatty goodness.

Other Hunger Summit events scheduled during the week were unaffected and included a pie-eating contest and frozen turkey bowling.

At the end of the conference, U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announced, "So, who's still hungry?"

"I am," whispered the young mother whose lips were a crusty white from dehydration as she began eating her shirt.

Clinton Concedes Election Isn't Over

Posted: By the less popular winner of the popular vote

NEW YORK CITY -- In an address to her supporters and campaign staff last night as Sen. Barack Obama achieved the "magic number" of delegates to claim the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton graciously conceded that the election isn't over.

"I called Sen. Obama a short time ago and wished him well," Clinton said to a loud chorus of boos from her supporters. "No, no, no. Come on, people. Let's give credit where credit is due. He has run a fantastic race, and I have made clear to him that I will do everything in my power to support the Democratic nominee this fall."

"And I've asked him to do the same," she added.

Obama, en route to the site of his historic speech at the Xcel Energy Center in Minneapolis to claim the nomination, simply rolled his eyes.

"Are you f***ing kidding me?" he said to a pool reporter on his campaign plane. "I give up."

Clinton Launches Pre-emptive General Election

Posted: 50 yards from a South Dakota voting precinct

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Taking a cue from the George Bush playbook -- the pop-up version, with pictures -- Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign announced at a rally today in Yankton, S.D., that the New York senator is now the official Democratic presidential nominee and that she will launch a pre-emptive general election at "a time and place of my choosing."

"We cannot afford to wait any longer for the American people to cast their ballots," Clinton said to a group of supporters at the Yankton High School gym. "If my opponent won't declare victory, what else will he neglect to do as president? My ambition can't afford to find out the answer to that question."

Dozens of angry, middle-aged, braless women cheered Clinton on while carrying torches and threatening to burn any male within 50 yards, except former Pres. Bill Clinton, who they inexplicably still adore, despite his possessing every quality that strong women find completely offensive and contrary to their feminist sensibilities. Though she does not have -- and will never have -- enough delegates to officially win the nomination, Clinton remained steadfastly oblivious.

"We are going to bring peace and democratic democracy to America," she continued. "The American public will greet us as liberators -- women's liberators!"

Sen. Barack Obama had no comment, but did pull out a note pad with a short list labeled "Barack's VPs?" and crossed one name off.

Clinton capped off her "Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the Campaign" campaign kickoff rally by driving an M1 Abrams battle tank across the Yankton town square and pulling down a 20-foot-high bronze statue of Obama.

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Rachel Ray Announces Allegiance to Donuts, Al Qaeda

Posted: In the garbage bowl, next to the f**king E-V-O-O

NEW YORK CITY -- Dunkin' Donuts has pulled a recent TV ad that featured Rachael Ray wearing a keffiyeh -- a traditional scarf that symbolizes Middle Eastern violence to many Americans. In the ad, Ray, in her gravelly, ex-smoker, sorority-girl-sounding voice that emanates from her sick Joker mouth, claimed allegiance to "Al Qaeda and donuts. Yum-o!"

The ad was part of a Dunkin' Donuts marketing campaign for a new series of donut flavors, including "Jelly-had," "Tora Bavorian Kreme," "Powdered Envelope Cake," "I-E-Dee-Clair," "Yellowcake" and grape.

After a massive public outcry, Dunkin' Donuts shelved plans to roll out the new flavors, however, company executives said their decision had nothing to do with the Ray flap.

"These new donut flavor names were purely a coincidence," said Will Kussell, Dunkin' Donuts president and chief brand officer. "Reading anything more into these perfectly harmless names would take a real stretch of the imagination." Late yesterday, Ray tried to clarify her statements.

"What I meant to say was that the streets will run red with raspberry jelly," she explained. "I apologize for creating any confusion between delicious donuts and holy jihad."