Reviews of Summer Blockbusters We Haven't Seen Yet

Posted: November 5th, 1955!

As a public service to its readers, the Free-Ass. editorial board has reviewed three of this summer's most semi-anticipated movies. Because this is a shoestring operation, we don't have the eight bucks to buy three movie tickets, so we just (p)reviewed them based on the limited, incredibly biased and likely wrong information we've been able to gather based on our preconceived and totally arbitrary notion of what makes a movie "good."

The Incredible Hulk
Warning! This article contains spoilers.
Guess what? It's the same f***ing ridiculous Hulk story from the last movie and the TV show before that and the comic book before that, except that it's not directed by Ang Lee, so there's no artistic misunderstood Hulk angst and it's not on TV in the '70s so there's not that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. "Courtship of Eddie's Father" feel, although Lou Ferrigno will likely make a cameo with Stan Lee. It's 90 action-packed minutes of toy-marketing destruction with a PG-13 rating to make it seem edgy to 11-year-olds. Plan for a no-story, oddly Edward Norton revival with a pseudo-"Fight-Club-on-green-steroids" feel and a Hulk so obnoxiously muscular, it will make that superhero-drawing kid in high school jealous. We give it two big green Free-Ass. thumbs down and predict it will rake in the rough equivalent of our national debt on opening night. God bless America.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan
We like when a preview verifies our instincts about a movie so we don't waste two hours of our lives sitting through it. Zohan looks like an uncomfortable Israeli-themed comedy with an over-the-top Adam Sandler (sorry for the redundancy) performance as an AK-47-toting hairdresser. It's "Zoolander" with a hilarious twist on the Middle East conflict -- which isn't hilarious, by the way. You will leave the theater apologizing to your Jewish friends and wondering why you've never met a Palestinian. John Turturro covered the whole concept of the nondescript, ethnic character 10 years ago when he said, "Nobody f**ks with the Jesus." He was right. So are we. Don't mess with the Zohan.

Wall-E
Rent "Finding Nemo." Pretend all the fish are robots.

Have a four-and-a-half star Free-Ass. weekend!

Hillary Sends a Letter to Superdelegates; CC's Santa Claus

Posted: In a land where math doesn't exist

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sen. Hillary Clinton took her case directly to the superdelegates yesterday in a long letter explaining why she believes she is the Democratic party's strongest candidate to face off against Sen. John McCain in November's general election.

As a failsafe for her unconvincing argument, Clinton also copied Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, God and "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" producers on the letter, according to top Clinton campaign officials.

In the letter, Clinton cites a number of reasons why she should be the one to singlehandedly bring defeat to an un-unified Democratic party in the general election instead of forcing Republicans to earn the victory. She pointed out her recent landslide victories in Kentucky and West Virginia and that she's been really good this year.

"In the past two weeks, I haven't said anything bad about Sen. Obama, not even once!!!!!!" she wrote. "Except for the assassination comment, which was taken way out of context -- even though it was true."

"People who call my argument weak that Sen. Obama can't win crucial states in the general election because I won them in the primary are the same people who don't believe in you, Mr. Claus," she continued. "Well, I do! And for you, Ms. Tooth Fairy, let's just say my very expensive da Vinci veneers spend a lot of time under my pillow. Instead of leaving me quarters, please donate the maximum allowable amount of $2,300 to www.hillaryclinton.com. Thank you!"

God, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy have yet to endorse a candidate, but "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" star Ty Pennington has endorsed unannounced third-party candidate Norm Abram, host of "The New Yankee Workshop" on PBS.

Indy 500 Drivers Upset: Gas Prices Rose 3 Times During Race

The numbers on the pole at Indianapolis Motor Speedway represent the price per gallon of gasoline at each driver's pit.

Posted: at 219.0873652 mph

INDIANAPOLIS -- The 33 drivers participating in last Sunday's 92nd running of the Indianapolis 500 were distracted by sky-high gas prices, which rose three times during the race, causing several crashes and an exceedingly high number of caution flags.

After Ryan Briscoe clipped Danica Patrick's car in pit row on Lap 171, Patrick exited her car in a fit of rage. Instead of confronting Briscoe, she made an aggressive beeline toward her refueling crew to give them a piece of her mind.

Track sources say that earlier in the race, Patrick's Citgo card had been declined for being over the limit during a routine pit stop. Patrick nearly ran out of gas before her crew was able to cobble together the $584 required to fill her IndyCar's 35-gallon tank for another 28 laps of racing.

"I'm just the fuel guy; I don't set the prices!" said Gianni Cutri, the head of Patrick's three-member refueling team as he ran to hide in an opposing team's garage.

"That's what they all say," Patrick replied. "I don't buy it from the local gas station, and I don't buy it from you." She then shoved him before security intervened and walked her back to her garage, where she began throwing things after seeing her most recent Citgo statement lying on a workbench.

Later, three accidents occurred on pit row when local radio station Q95 held a "We'll Buy Your Gas" promotion between laps 110 and 112. Some drivers were still in line at Lap 158. Local radio hosts "Bob and Tom" were heard giggling the entire time even though nothing funny was happening.

Scott Dixon, winner of this year's race, had a bittersweet ending in Brick Row when he was asked to pay for the milk he drank as part of the traditional celebration.

"That shit ain't free," said Indy Racing League CEO Tony George. "Have you seen the price of milk lately? It's worse than gas!"

Next year, the Indy 500 will be retitled the Indy 290, and most drivers are pledging to drive a Toyota Prius in the race, according to George.

"I don't know what I was thinking driving such a gas-guzzling Formula 1 car all of these years," famed driver Helio Castroneves said. "I'm definitely in the market now for something more practical and with more seats, so [Penske Racing teammate Ryan] Briscoe and I can carpool."

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Sen. Clinton Survives Self-Inflicted Foot Assassination

Posted: Right next to her "hard-working Americans, white Americans" comment

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. -- During a routine question-and answer session last Friday with the well-known and widely read Argus Leader newspaper's editorial board, Democratic presidential hopeless Sen. Hillary Clinton remarked that she should continue her bid for the White House just in case somebody "pulls a 187 and puts a cap in Obama's ass."

Moments later, Clinton tried to put her comments in context by referencing Sen. Robert Kennedy's tragic murder before he was able to secure the 1968 Democratic presidential nomination.

"Somebody's gotta be Number Two," Clinton said, continuing to dig her candidacy's grave. "You don't see people telling Avis Rent-a-Car to stop doing business because they can't beat Hearse. I mean, Hertz. I said Hertz."

The Obama camp responded quickly, criticizing what they called Clinton's careless words.

"Instead of unsubtly hinting at the possibility of an early death for a President Obama, perhaps Sen. Clinton should concentrate more on doing what she does best: shamelessly groveling for the vice-presidential spot," said David Plouffe, Obama's campaign manager.

Not to be outdone, Clinton's campaign hastily organized a press conference at a diner in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where she brandished a .22-caliber rifle sewn into her Oval-Office-blue pantsuit, pulled back the hammer and shot herself in the foot, all while maintaining that creepy, cheeky, concrete smile.

"See how fragile life can be?" she asked rhetorically. "How easily one can go from pandering to a crowd of voters to randomly shooting myself in the foot for no particular ..."

"Ow," she added, before vowing not to seek medical attention because she's a "fighter who doesn't quit," her oft-used catchphrase that confuses principled feminism with just being a sore loser who doesn't know how to bow out gracefully.