Courts To Decide If Monkey Is Person Or Monkey

Posted: On the spare tire of Jane Goodall's Range Rover

LONDON -- Animal rights activist Paula Stibbs is fighting to have London courts declare a chimpanzee named Matthew to be a person. The defense argues that the monkey is rather a monkey as its species suggests.

Stibbs wants to be appointed Matthew's legal guardian and to do that, Matthew must be recognized as a person. The sanctuary where he is living is facing foreclosure.

"The time where any monkey can get a mortgage is over," said defense lawyer Bradley Smith. "Trying to legally make him into a person won't fix the fact that he should never have applied for the loan in the first place. Banks don't accept bananas. Period."

"We're not trying to make him human," said Stibbs. "I just want his official status to be a 'person 87,000 years delayed' so that I can help him out of this tough situation."

Although denying that it gives loans to monkeys, the Bank of London reports that recently humans and monkeys alike have tried to pay their mortgages by writing "one million billion pounds" onto a banana and sending it in.

Faulty Management Wiring Prompts American To Begin Charging For First Checked Bag

Posted: 93 minutes ago, when I first got into this line

FORT WORTH, Texas -- American Airlines announced this week that it would begin charging $15 for every passenger's first checked bag, in addition to the $25 fee it began charging last month for second bags checked. The airline will also cut up to 12 percent of its flights and lay off thousands of workers to combat the record-high fuel prices and incompetence plaguing the industry.

American, the nation's largest airline, has said the fee will go into effect June 15 and that it would begin implementing fees for other services, including arriving safely at one's destination; getting passengers to their connecting airport in time to make their next flight; and not losing the luggage passengers paid $40 to check. The fee for these extra services will range from $5 to $50 per service, depending on the airline's unclear, ever-changing rules and their utter inability to communicate them properly to front-line staff on any given day. The charge for a conversation with a competent staff member will be 25 cents per word.

In addition to employee layoffs, American also announced plans to again strand hundreds of thousands of passengers at airports across the country like it did in April. The move is a strategic one designed to get people to fly with other carriers so that American can ground flights and avoid paying for fuel entirely.

"Der, now the other airlines will have to pay for all the fuel," said Gerard Arpey, chairman and chief executive at American, as he clapped his hands wildly and then began coloring in his "Dora the Explorer" coloring book.

"I like pie," he added.

As of press time, no other airlines have followed suit with American's fee hike, although Southwest Airlines announced that it plans to remain perfect.

Oil Prices Jump On Prospect That Oil Prices Will Jump

Posted: On the NYMEX

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia -- President Bush was laughed out of Saudi Arabia earlier this week after he warned the Saudis they were running out of oil. The price of a barrel of oil immediately spiked again on the prospect that prices were going to spike again, causing a spike in speculators speculating that the price of oil will spike again.

"I tried to fill my gas tank after it was already full because I know I'll need more gas soon," said Jim Gregson, a Chicago taxi driver. "Most of it spilled on the ground, but for the first time, I think I topped it off really well." Inexplicably, several asshole Hummer owners cheered at the idea of skyrocketing gas prices.

"We bought these huge vehicles because we love to pay for gas," said B.J. Johnson, a tanning salon owner and personal trainer from Louisville, Ky., who then chugged a Red Bull after kissing his overtanned bicep. "If we don't buy gas, the terrorists win." Johnson then threatened to kick this reporter's ass when he was informed that the truth is, in fact, the exact opposite of that.

"Well, if you don't get out of here, then I win," Johnson continued. "How's that sound?"

Obama Organizes Fat Lady Concert

Posted: Under the lid of Mark Penn's toilet

PORTLAND, Ore. -- Though not declaring victory outright, Sen. Barack Obama's campaign has decided to strongly hint that he has won the nomination by organizing a free concert tonight in Little Rock, Ark., at the William J. Clinton Presidential Center and Park.

The lineup will feature some heavy hitters from the world of overweight female singers, including Aretha Franklin; that girl from "Hairspray;" "American Idol" loser and Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson; Queen Latifah; and the lead singer from that pop-punk band "The Gossip."

Obama's campaign has recently employed other passive-aggressive events to try to claim victory such as skywriting "You suck!" above Clinton campaign headquarters and burning a mustard yellow pantsuit in effigy, but to no avail. When asked to comment on Obama's apparent claim of victory, Clinton spokesman Howard Wolfson praised the female vocalists and said it was just a coincidence that the multiple not-overly-slender women were singing at an Obama event, in Little Rock, at the Clinton Library, the moment after the polls closed in Oregon.

"This is just more of the same partisan attacks that we've come to expect from the Obama campaign," he said. "Every time they have a compelling argument rooted in sound logic, facts and mathematics, they have to run to the media like a little tattle tale. Frankly, the American people are tired of it, and by the American people, I mean this campaign's staff."

McCain Launches Spanish-Language Web Site: The Straight Habla Express

Sen. John McCain, in a recent speech, dons the world's largest sombrero.

Posted: Lengua en mejilla

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain's campaign has launched a Spanish-language Web site this week to court the growing number of Latino voters in the U.S. It is called "The Straight Habla Express."

The new site, www.johnmccain.com/espanol, offers a welcome letter to Latinos:

"Dear Amigos,

Bienvenidos to America! Unfortunately, you shouldn't be aqui. Pero when I'm el presidente, you can expect that you and your familia will get deportado ... pronto, unless you can vote. Then I really hope you see through my tough amor, my mas o menos racism as well as my elitist lenguaje and vote para mi. I promise that I will make sure you stay securidad in America, but in the meantime, your familia has to vamanos. Comprende?

Your amigo,
Juan McCain

The Straight Habla Express"

The Web site also features interviews with prominent Latino leaders, or "Ladrones" in Spanish. They endorse McCain and his message of hope. In one video, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa lauds McCain: "Carrera y oculta! McCain es el diablo!"

McCain says he is proud of the strong endorsements from Hispanic heavy hitters such as Villaraigosa, adding that Latinos have contributed greatly to America.

"Just look at Ernesto Pablo Montoya Miranda," McCain said. "Without him, arrested illegal immigrants would not have the right to remain silent. In fact, when I'm elected president, I'll insist they remain silent."