Homeland Security Deports Rock Band "Foreigner"

Posted: After a round of head games

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Amid a growing chorus from true rock fans who hate power ballads, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security this week began formal deportation proceedings against the 15 current and former members of 1970s rock band Foreigner.

"I don't understand," said Lou Gramm, the band's original vocalist, who left the group in 2003 to actively pursue failure with uninteresting solo projects. "We're an American band."

"Grand Funk Railroad is an American band,” said Michael Chertoff, secretary of Homeland Security. “Foreigner is named Foreigner. Americans need protection from these hot-blooded bands of musical terrorists."

When asked where the band was being deported to, Chertoff said, "Back to Foreignerterroristlandistan -- where they belong.” According to Google Earth, Foreignerterroristlandistan is located midway between East Bumblef**k and South Jesus.

The initial raid, carried out by a team of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents at a small, unremodeled Holiday Inn in Moline, Ill., netted Foreigner's six current members: Mick Jones, Jeff Jacobs, Tom Gimbel, Kelly Hansen, Jason Bonham and Jeff Pilson. Pilson faces extra charges for having played bass with Dokken and Dio in the 1980s.

This raid was noteworthy for preventing what could have been a devastatingly unsuccessful tour on the homeland.

NBC Names Fallon New Host Of "Late Night"; Show Will Keep O'Brien's Name

Jimmy Fallon indicates the number of shows he hopes to tape before he's canceled, a la Chevy Chase.

Posted: In the Patch Adams SNL sketch from the 1999 season premiere, for example

NEW YORK CITY -- NBC Universal executives this week announced that "Saturday Night Live" veteran Jimmy Fallon will bring his brand of insecure, uncomfortable, constantly character-breaking and mediocre-at-best acting to late night television, replacing "Late Night's" current host, Conan O'Brien, who will move on to replace Jay Leno as host of "The Tonight Show."

To hedge against the inevitable mass exodus of viewers, NBC will continue to call the show "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," in the hopes that viewers who don't like Fallon will continue to watch thinking that Conan may arrive at any minute.

"Please God, grant us this one miracle," said everyone.

"I'm really happy to have the opportunity to ... ," Fallon started saying, before interrupting himself by giggling.

" ... Host this now-legendary show," he tried to continue. "It's going to be fun to come up with new ...," he snorted, breaking into full laughter, then lamely covering his mouth with his hand and hanging his head low in that sheepish, "Aren't I cute? Let me milk this for more laughs than it deserves even though I'm doing nothing to earn them, despite the fact that everyone else in the sketch is displaying the discipline to keep it together while I'm selfishly ruining it for the other, much more talented players on stage with me" manner.

" ... variations on the, 'No, yah retahded' bit," he finally concluded.

Clinton Learns Secret To Successful Campaigns: Huge Boobs

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!

Posted: Against the driver's side windows in the car wash scene in "Cool Hand Luke"

WHEELING, W.V. -- In a "Come to Jesus" moment for Sen. Hillary Clinton last week, she unintentionally encountered her first Obama supporter in person. The realization of why Obama had been winning so handily over the past few months hit her like a brick ... house. Because of the boobs' suppleness and largesse, Clinton initially didn't even notice Obama's name on the woman's T-shirt:

"OBAMA 08"

It was the thing that her campaign had been missing since the beginning: huge, ginormous boobs.

In an effort to improve upon the Obama Mama's impressive publicity display, Clinton introduced her own army of top-heavy supporters in West Virginia to help put Clinton's name to mammary for gawking male -- and some female -- Democratic voters there.

The Clinton campaign hired 22,000 women with a double D-cup or similarly billboard-like bra size to campaign for her in -- not coincidentally -- the Mountain State, wearing:

"hillary C l i n t o N for president."

As a result, Clinton racked up a 41-point victory and 57 percent of the male vote.

Detergent Suicide Fad Removes 100% More Life Than Leading Methods

Posted: On the permanent (Free-Ass.) press cycle

TOKYO -- A recently deceased man in northern Japan has made headlines by killing himself with a lethal cocktail of detergent fumes. He is the latest in a series of 50 such suicides using this newest way to off oneself in the land of the rising Sun®.

"The Tide® is turning," read a statement from the Japan Statistics Bureau & Statistics Center. "In a Bold® move that is ushering in a new Era® of creative suicides, the crude Arm & Hammer® self-murder has given way to this new, Seventh Generation® of suicide methods."

"The Gain® in detergent suicides is cause for alarm in All® countries, not just in Japan," said Tashiko Hadeki, vice president of sales and marketing for Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern, makers of Mr. Sparkle® detergent.

Mental health experts caution people to look for the warning signs of a person who is considering suicide by detergent. They include: a formerly bubbly person feeling Downy® and no longer showing Cheer®; a spouse or companion not wishing to Snuggle®; a real go-getter not showing a Bounce® in his or her step; or a normally outgoing person who begins to Dreft® from friends and loved ones.

All® of these signs, or any combination of them, should be cause for Ultra® caution. No one knows this better than Rhonda and Randy Nga. Their son, Sam, was Wisk® -ed away by detergent suicide in 1992.

"It still hurts Everyday, Living® with the guilt of this," Rhonda said. "I want to Shout® to all the parents of this great Country: Save® your own kids before you end up in our situation. I wish we could have pressed him harder on this delicate issue, but when it was All® said and done, this was Sam's Choice®, Purex® and simple."


For more resources on suicide by detergent, please Surf® the Internet. For more Free-Ass. frivolity, check out these fluffy stories:

CREATOR OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS DIES AT DUNWOODY APOTHECARY
NEW CLEMENS PR STRATEGY STRONGLY SORT OF DENIES STEROID USE

Obama Launches "McCain Is So Old..." Joke Campaign

Posted: Inside the big tires during recess

GARFIELD PARK, Ill. -- After taking considerable heat in conservative circles last week for saying Sen. John McCain might be "losing his bearings," Sen. Barack Obama has gone even further in his rhetoric to make McCain's age a central campaign issue.

At a press conference on a junior high school playground on Chicago's South Side, where, as we have all heard 4 million times, he first worked as a community organizer 20 years ago, Obama today announced that he is going old school on McCain, yo.

"John McCain is so old, his social security number is 1," Obama started out to loud applause, hooting and a smattering of "No he didn'ts."

He continued, "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. John McCain is so old, he sat next to Jesus at the first supper. In fact, he's so old, he does, in fact, remember the Alamo."

In a swift rebuke, John McCain began telling a "Barack is so black ... " joke before the Secret Service quickly yanked him off the playground and spirited him to the safety of a room full of old white guys in suits telling racist jokes, where he would be rendered unidentifiable to the hordes of people who wanted to kick his ass.

For another John McCain embarrassment, check out this Free-Ass. story:

MCCAIN ORGANIZES "MILLION HUMMER MARCH" ON WASHINGTON

Top Ten Songs White Guys Bite Their Bottom Lip To

Posted: Right after I finished making a Scorpions, Whitesnake, Def Leppard mix tape for my girlfriend.

As a service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Press publishes these top ten popular songs that white guys love and bite their bottom lip to in an attempt to "rock." They are listed in no particular order*:

4. Barracuda--Heart
6. Rock You Like A Hurricane--Scorpions
1. Eye of the Tiger--Survivor
3. Foreplay/Long Time--Boston
5. Alright Now--Bad Company
10. Separate Ways--Journey
2. Old Time Rock 'n' Roll--Bob Seger
9. Rock of Ages--Def Leppard
8. I Want to Know What Love Is--Foreigner
7. Shadows of the Night--Pat Benatar

*Note: This is a non-comprehensive list and it should be noted that white guys bite their bottom lip during any song that has a clap break.