Jason Castro Eliminated From Idol; Vows To Fight On Until Convention

Posted: When was this posted? We'll tell you right after these commercials ...

HOLLYWOOD, Ca. -- American Idol contestant, Jason Castro, was eliminated this week from the popular singing competition. However, in a strange turn of events, Castro plans to contest the vote "all the way to the convention."

Castro contends that many votes were not counted in his voting strongholds of Florida and Michigan because, "They called in before the end of the show. A vote is a vote. This is far from over. I'm going to fight on until the convention and then hmm hmm hmm ..." Castro then forgot the rest of what he planned to say and hummed "Mr. Tambourine Man."

When asked what she thought of the American Idol scandal, Hillary Clinton said, "Can't he see that America doesn't want him? This contest was over a long time ago. These wannabes get so caught up in being famous. It's just sad. What America really wants is the young, optimistic, hopeful songs of David Archuleta."

Study: 83% of People Find Voicemail Instructions "Really Helpful"

Posted: Para español, marque numero dos en este momento

People have no idea how to use voicemail.

That is the conclusion of a new study published this week by the Center for Vocal Postology at Indiana University-Purdue University-Indiana State University-DeVry University, Indianapolis campus.

Although voicemail has been around for more than 25 years, the most aggressive advances in the field within the past decade have come from the advent of instructions for use.

Before instructions, many callers would have been lost without the robo-babe, whose name the FAP editorial board thinks is Jennifer, saying: "If you'd like to leave a message, press 1 or wait for the tone. To page this person, press 5 now."

"I had no idea what I was doing. There was a beep and then what? What does a beep mean?," remarked Hank Paulsley, a satisfied consumer. "Now that there are instructions, I understand. AND I listen to them every time."

Few people know that you can actually turn them off, but according to Hank, "why would you do that?"

Clinton Campaign Launches Video Game; "Grand Theft Election"

Posted: Just before Bill and Hillary went to their separate bedrooms

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Last night, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton's campaign announced its latest multi-media effort: a video game called "Grand Theft Election."

"Grand Theft Election is a game where you get to be a candidate running for president," said campaign manager Maggie Williams. "You choose your character, you choose your pants suit and then you pick from an array of seedy campaign managers. Then you get to crusade through the fictional town of 'Indianapolisville' stuffing ballot boxes, disenfranchising voters, running negative campaign ads, and stealing super delegates from other election offices at gun point. There's even a 'nuclear option' easter egg hidden in the game."

John McCain responded by posting a YouTube video claiming he holds the all-time high score on "Grand Theft Election" which he achieved by bankrupting the Middle Class, deporting anyone who "looked like George Lopez," and incarcerating everyone who believed in hope.

Also in a swift rebuke to Clinton, Barack Obama's campaign announced their release of a "Guitar Hero" song ... Metallica's "Ain't My Bitch."

If you're depressed about the election, maybe try stand-up comedy! Chelsea did:

CHELSEA LAUNCHES "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" STAND-UP COMEDY TOUR

Mortgage Crisis: Surprised Office Dancers Laid Off

Posted: Annoyingly close to something else you are reading that is far more important

INTERNETLAND, U.S.A. -- In yet another indication of the worsening mortgage crisis, the surprised office dancers from those pop-up mortgage ads that appear no matter where you f**king go on the Internet, have been laid off.

Both Rhonda Lattimore and Betty Fordham became famous by dancing around their cubicles like complete fools and then acting surprised when they noticed they were being filmed for an incessant, maddening three-second loop.

"How am I going to pay my mortgage now?" a lost Lattimore asked rhetorically and ironically. "After all the loan business I brought them, they throw me out on the street like an unattractive and obnoxious cubicle worker slacking off on the job?"

Also let go in the downsizing were two shadowy salsa dancers and a 1940s German business man in a brown suit. A lanky, purple wizard avoided being laid off but has since been given reduced responsibilities.

Even Sen. Hillary Clinton has suffered from the downturn, albeit voluntarily. In answering the "Should Hillary Quit?" ad that appears over and over and over on The Drudge Report and other popular news sites, Clinton has agreed to step aside for the good of the Internet. The ad where George Bush is making a monkey face, however, will still run.

Now that you've lost your job, check out these other Free-Ass. layoffs:

RECESSION PROMPTS DNC TO LAYOFF 600 SUPERDELEGATES

Americans Won't Let Mexicans Do Jobs Americans Won't Do

Posted: In Mexico and then smuggled into John McCain's home district

TEMPE, Ariz. -- Pro-immigration Americans argue that immigrant Mexican workers are needed to do the jobs that Americans won't do. In a special Free-Ass. investigation conducted in conjunction with the Center for Xenophobic Hogwash at Bob Jones University in Greenville, S.C., FAP has identified the top five jobs Americans won't do and won't allow Mexicans to do either. They are:

1. Assisting Hurricane Katrina victims
2. Pulling troops out of Iraq
3. Regulating financial markets
4. Enforcing immigration laws
5. Picking strawberries

Extending an olive branch in order to reach a meaningful compromise, the Bush administration has offered temporary guest worker status for Mexicans who want to pick strawberries.

"Once these folks pay their $25,000 fine and all back taxes as well as prove they own a home and have comprehensive health insurance so they don't strain already inadequate American resources, then they are welcome to begin picking strawberries," said Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.

Chao continued, "Of all the jobs Americans won't do, picking strawberries is of primary importance. Think of the consequences if they didn't: no strawberry jam, no strawberry shortcake, no strawberry ice cream. If Mexicans don't pick strawberries, the terrorists win."

Looking for a job? Check out this Free-Ass. job opportunity:

AL QAEDA SEEKS WESTERN-LOOKING RECRUITS