Bush Gets "More Specific" Banner

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Posted: Should have been five years ago

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House has admitted fault in having President Bush speak in front of the "Mission Accomplished" banner five years ago aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln.

"The banner should have been more specific," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

So today, the president delivered another speech on the same aircraft carrier, this time displaying a new and more specific banner.

"Sooooo? Everyone looking forward to January?" asked Bush to no one in particular.

Clinton Challenges Obama To Lincoln-Douglas Debate; Obama Calls "Dibs" On Lincoln

Posted: In the campaign office of the Whig party

RALEIGH, N.C. -- In a desperate attempt to put those electric paddles to the chest of her dying campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton this week challenged Sen. Barack Obama to a "Lincoln-Douglas"-style debate, where the candidates square off against each other with no moderator.

Although Obama has already declined a North Carolina debate with Clinton, upon hearing the challenge, he immediately responded, "I call Lincoln!" and then proceeded to do a touchdown dance, spike his Blackberry and proclaim, "In your face, Rodham! Woot! Woot!"

Clinton has yet to react publicly to Obama's having "called" the role of Lincoln, who eventually went on to win the presidency and free the slaves. However, a senior adviser to her campaign did note that Abraham Lincoln was not black and is not currently a superdelegate.

FAP polls show that superdelegate slaves favor Obama two-to-one.

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Surprise Expansion Teams Flood NFL Draft

Posted: In the third, fourth, sometimes fifth round

NEW YORK -- Several NFL teams this week were caught by surprise when 32 surprise expansion teams gobbled up roughly 14,000 NFL draft picks. In a highly unusual end run around the league's clear rules on ownership, every one of the new expansion teams is owned by a D. Petraeus, a little known sports figure currently living overseas.

Some of the new expansion teams had peculiar names like the Fort Hood 22nd Infantry Regiment, the Selfridge 107th Fighter Squadron (also known as the "Red Devils") and the Fort Carson (Colo.) White Buffalos.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he was excited about the expansion teams.

"They will represent an entirely new conference called the NFC-Middle East," he said. "It's a big conference with a lot of players. They will play all of their games at Halliburton Field in Baghdad. It will be convenient since all those guys will be there anyway."

When asked if this was a thinly veiled attempt to get new recruits for the American military, Goodell said, "What a cynical thing to ask. Of course not. Football is war. So is war. Why not marry the two? We need to win something over here."

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"Truck Nutz" May Get Neutered

Posted: Where a truck's nuts would be if trucks had nuts ... which they don't.

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- A state lawmaker in Florida has proposed a ban on "Truck Nutz," the uncreatively named plastic bull testicles that hang from the trailer hitches of unoriginal truck owners across the country.

Led by Republican Sen. Cary Baker, a gun shop owner who represents the residents of Eustis, Fla., the proposed ban has touched off a virtual tsunami of adolescent jokes and bumper stickers, such as "Keep Your Laws Off My Nutz," "I'm Pro-Balls ... and I Vote" and "Don't Sack the Sack!"

Democratic State Sen. Melinda Carlysle, (D-Pembroke Pines, also known as "PP") has come under fire for supporting the ban. "It's not that I am anti-balls," she said in an exclusive interview with FAP. "It's that I'm pro-vagina. Years ago, us women's libbers hung plastic vaginas from our Subarus which were immediately outlawed because they made a loud whistling noise when driving on a windy day. I'm just looking for equal protection under the law. If a guy should be able to let his [plastic] balls hang down, then I should certainly be granted the same courtesy with my [plastic] vagina."

Upon hearing of the odd controversy, Sen. Barack Obama proposed a compromise that would allow truck owners to hang just one fake testicle or one half of a plastic vagina from their hitch. Sen. John McCain had no comment but promises to show his "nutz" to the American people as soon as he can find them.

Clinton Raises $10M from 80,000 New Suckers In Subprime Campaign Market

Posted: Too little, too late

CARMEL, Ind. -- Campaign officials for Sen. Hillary Clinton announced today that her campaign has raised $10 million from 80,000 new suckers since her win in Pennsylvania last Tuesday, most of whom are facing foreclosure.

In a press conference today, Clinton spoke with renewed vigor ahead of the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, the latter of which she has zero chance of winning.

"I'm going to take this academic exercise all the way to the convention, all the way to the credentials committee and all the way to the courts if I have to!"

By all accounts, even private ones from the Clinton campaign, it is a near impossibility that New York's junior senator can win the Democratic presidential nomination.

She has, however, gone on record as saying she won't let facts get in the way of her blind, lust-ridden and careless ambition. She has even replaced her current campaign theme song, Celine Dion's unremarkable and never-heard-of "You and I," with another, actually popular yet still unremarkable Celine Dion song, "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie, "Titanic."

"Remember what happens at the end of the movie?" Clinton asked. "Rose lives on and Barack Obama freezes and drowns, buried at the bottom of the ocean in a watery grave, his youthful exuberance, hope and idealism never to be heard from again until the still-beautiful Rose recounts her story 84 years later."

Rice Tried To Tell Carter "No Hamas" In Botched Text Message

Posted: Last Thrsday pork going store once ten CUL8R.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what she has called a colossal misunderstanding that happened late last week, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she tried to tell former President Jimmy Carter not to meet with Hamas but her text message was bungled thanks to her Blackberry's "auto complete" feature that predicts the next word when composing a message.

"I thought I had been very clear in my text message to former President Carter," Rice said. However, FAP, through the same Israeli teenager who broke the Syria story last Friday, obtained a copy of the text message. The precise text message read:

"Jimmy nuts umbrella gonna rain try not sushi. J/K! Hamas hummus terrorist sure meet at Applebees Israel. BTW LOL!!!!"

Carter admits receiving the message from the State Department. "When I texted Secretary Rice my reply, 'WTF?' she wrote back, 'Hot yoga studio in Iran is my administrative bitch yo got a big war hawk ass Kroger monger. ROFL!!!! :)'"

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