U.S. Will Obliterate Syria "Probably Wednesday Or Thursday": Gates

Posted: Inside Iran's nuclear weapons facility

SPACE -- Unnamed U.S. officials told unnamed F.A.P. reporters today that unnamed congresspeople would hold a closed-door briefing in an undisclosed location to view sort-of conclusive evidence that named country Syria did in fact have a nuclear reactor -- which they hadn't named yet when Israel took it out last September.

F.A.P. obtained the conclusive proof which is a satellite photo from 175,000 feet above Earth showing a nondescript dirt road in the desert leading to a nondescript open space which may possibly be a nuclear reactor, a smudge on the camera lens or a new Blockbuster Video location. That information remains classified, according to unnamed officials.

The photo, obtained by an Israeli teenager searching Google Earth, also showed "striking similarities" to a nuclear reactor built by North Korea -- or Iran, or Hamas, along with most likely Russia, Guatemala or Bolivia -- or any of the possible 120 combinations of these six countries.

"We'll probably bomb Syria back to the Stone Age on Wednesday or Thursday," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "We saw this sort of conclusive evidence with Iraq. We can't sit idly by while Syria paves a dirt road in an extremely remote, completely inaccessible desert location that may or may not have anything to do with anything."

Republican presidential nominee John McCain spoke about the pending crisis at a press conference.

"My friends, this is part of my plan to solve the housing crisis," he said. "It's simple supply and demand. If home prices are dropping, you need to reduce supply. How do we do that? By bombing the f**k out of Syria."

Build your own Free-Ass. bomb shelter! Print out 8,000 copies of these articles (don't feel guilty about that, either; Earth Day was Wednesday -- you did your part already) and bury yourself underneath them:

RECESSION PROMPTS DNC TO LAYOFF 600 SUPERDELEGATES
BUSH THROWS SURPRISE 5th BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR IRAQ WAR

Six Flags To Open "F***ing Awesome America" Theme Park In Middle East

Posted: In your face! (because we're American like that)

DUBAILAND, U.A.E. -- Six Flags, the world's No. 2 amusement park operator behind The Walt Disney Company, which is the world's No. 2 media conglomerate behind Time Warner, which is not even close to being the parent company of the Free-Ass. Press, is partnering with Marvel Entertainment, D.C. Comics Inc., Halliburton, Anheuser-Busch Companies, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and Smith & Wesson to open the Middle East's first theme park.

"Six Flags F**king Awesome America Invading Dubai" reflects years of extensive market research conducted among Arab nations regarding the issues they find most offensive and/or entertaining, according to top executives involved in the deal.

"We were going to call it 'Six Flags Over Dubai' to keep the park's naming consistent with other Six Flags parks around the world," said Marvel Entertainment's Vice Chairman and CEO, Isaac Perlmutter. "But our market research showed that Americans firmly believe that Arab countries probably love to be invaded by Americans."

The new park will feature a Captain America and Wonder Woman Stunt Spectacular where women free themselves from patriarchal oppression by throwing off their burkhas to reveal American flag thong bikinis. They then flee by jumping jet skis across the border into the park's "Americaland" section, where they receive free ice cream and political asylum.

The park will also feature a Bugs bin Al-Bunei kids show where he is constantly chased by the bumbling El-Mer Fahd.

Admission to the park is 2,500 dirham, however attendees can get five dirham off with a specially marked can of Coca-Cola, which in Dubai costs 8,700 dirham.

This story not American enough for you? Suck on this f***ing awesome Free-Ass. American-ness:
BUSH ANNOUNCES PAUSE IN LYING ABOUT IRAQ PROGRESS
EGG MCMUFFIN CREATOR DIES; TO BE BURIED IN HUGE FORK-SPLIT ENGLISH MUFFIN

McCain Organizes "Million Hummer March" On Washington

An Earth Day Special

Posted: No trespassing

PITTSBURGH -- In a special Earth Day event, Republican presidential nominee John McCain called for a summer-long "gas-tax holiday" from Memorial Day through Labor Day. To celebrate that holiday, his campaign is hoping to organize 1 million Hummer H2 owners from across the country to drive to Washington, D.C., with their air-conditioners set to "high."

Without the 18.4-cent federal tax that helps maintain and build new roads and bridges, gas prices will temporarily go from a national average of $3.50 per gallon down to $3.32 per gallon.

"My friends, the struggling Hummer owner will now be able to take that $5.89 per 32-gallon fill-up he's saving and stimulate the economy by putting that money toward paying down his interest-only mortgage -- or the payment on his time-honored, obnoxious symbol of American decadence. That's real progress, my friends." Hillary Clinton's campaign fired off a scathing response to McCain's plan before he officially announced it.

"I heard that Sen. Obama has a friend who has a neighbor whose landlord signed up for this drive which once again brings up legitimate questions about his electability," she said, before being interrupted by a snickering college newspaper reporter who asked Clinton if her husband has ever had a "Hummer."

"If he has, I sure didn't give it to him, " she snapped. "I know Arnold Schwarzeneggar tried to give him a Hummer once, but my husband thought it would feel funny getting that kind of thing from the California governor. I know that I will never give -- or receive -- a Hummer when I'm president. That's a promise."

After peals of laughter rolled through the press corps, Clinton responded, "What? What?"

For more Free-Ass. ways to waste your time, check out these beauties:
APE PRIES RIFLE FROM HESTON'S COLD DEAD HANDS
JIMMY JOHN'S NOW CHARGING FOR FREE SMELLS

Free-Ass. Sports Beat -- Pope Pitches Shutout Against N.Y. Jews

Posted: During the homily

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI made his first appearance at Nationals Park. He helped pitch a two-hitter shutout to lift the Washington Catholics above the New York Jews. He pitched six innings before the closer, Cardinal Michael O'Malley, brought the heat -- the white light kind, not the Hellfire kind -- and finished off the game.

"We got crucified out there!" said Rabbi Arthur Schneier. "Our star hitter, Herschel Rabinowitz, had one of his worst at-(Shab)bats of the season. The pope's like the Michael Jordan of ... of ... name your sport. Who wouldn't want the pope on their team? In our heyday, we had Moses. Best sinker in the sport. Now the Catholics got the B-man. I'd hate to see what kind of pitcher Benedict XVII will be."

The Catholics and the Jews have been rivals since their leagues split more than 2,000 years ago. Their rivalry also made popular the tradition of kosher Vienna Beef hot dogs at baseball parks.

"The team might complain, but we're practicing on the Sabbath," Schneier added. "We're the Shalom team here in New York, and we're not going to lose here."