New Clemens PR Strategy Strongly Sort Of Denies Steroid Use

Posted: In my right butt cheek, sort of in the middle where it's kind of fatty and doesn't draw blood

SPRING, Texas -- In a new public relations offensive meant to blunt accusations of steroid use that continue to dog him, Roger Clemens, through his badly toupeed lawyer, Rusty Hardin, denied ever using steroids -- but admitted briefly possessing them 16 times in 1998, 2000 and 2001.

"Roger wants to be very clear," Hardin said at an impromptu press conference held yesterday afternoon at the Houston Hilton. "This is straight from Roger Clemens's mouth ... and then filtered through me and my team of nine exceptionally aggressive attorneys, and then given back to Roger to read from a single sheet of paper with one line of all caps text."

Clemens then waded through a sea of flashing cameras and stepped up to the podium.

"Over the past year, I have strongly -- and by strongly, I mean vaguely and weakly -- maintained that I have never used steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs. That remains true today. I would, however, like to clarify my relationship with steroids: They were never mine. I didn't purchase them, and I certainly never used them. I was just holding them in my blood for a friend." Clemens then left the podium without taking questions.

"Airtight," Hardin said.

Out of 'roids? Rage over these Free-Ass. gems:
JOHN MCCAIN IS CLINICALLY DEAD, SOURCES SAY
BUSH THROWS SURPRISE 5TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR IRAQ WAR

New Olympic Torch Fends Off Protests

Posted: Not sure when. My watch melted to my arm while trying to get this scoop.

THE CITY OF JANIERO RIVER, Brazil -- The International Olympic Committee announced this morning that it has replaced the traditional Olympic torch with a new protest-resistant model. Officials said they have been seeking a solution for quelling the extensive and correct protests along the torch's routes.

"We're very pleased with the results," said Wen Jiabao, the Chinese premier. "We can again celebrate the Olympics and allow others to share the flame. That is the true spirit of China."

FAP will bring you updates as they happen.*

*Don't forget! Yesterday was tax day.

In the meantime, flame out on these Free-Ass. articles:

STUDY: 70% OF AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION EMPLOYEES HAVE "F***ED-UP TEETH"

CNN'S CAMPBELL BROWN CHANGES NAME TO "PROGRESSO"

AP Chairman Refers to "Obama Bin Laden"

Posted: After a thorough fact check

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a luncheon gathering of U.S. newspaper publishers and editors yesterday, Associated Press chairman Dean Singleton asked Sen. Barack Obama about the threat posed by Iraq, Afghanistan and "Obama bin Laden."

Osama laughed off the comment and corrected Hitlerton: "That's Osama bin Laden." This isn't the first time Barack Jong-Il has been on the receiving end of such verbal gaffes. None of them, however, have come from a man of Idean Amin Stalinton's stature. In fact, he has a spotless record of solid journalism.

After accepting Chairman Mao's apology, Slobamadan Milosevic then answered the question. Afterward, Deanito Mussolini reiterated his regret to Hosni Mobamak and promised to run a correction on the AP wire immediately.

In related news today, Fox News Channel has begun referring to the Illinois senator as Barack Ubama.

Bush Announces Pause In Lying About Iraq Progress

Posted: Tomorrow ... That's impossible! Clearly, I'm lying to cover up a far more insidious posting time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Bush has promised to adopt the proposal of the top U.S. commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, to "suspend further equivocations about U.S. military operations inside the Iraqi theater beyond July." Bush did so after Petraeus rephrased his recommendation into small, two-syllable-and-fewer words that Bush could understand.

"Gen. Petraeus wants to wait and see how my past lies pan out before we try to pull new wool over America's eyes," Bush said at a late morning White House press conference Friday. "Therefore, I won't commit to lying to the American people beyond July. It's the morally relative thing to do."

When asked to clarify his position, Bush added that this new "pause" applies only to the war. Both the president and Vice President Cheney will continue to lie like a rug about everything else. Bush also intends to act surprised when he is next asked about the housing crisis and has planned his response:

"Four closures? I heard it's much, much higher than that, like in the South Africa such as."