YouTube Top 10 Roundup

Posted: Right now but it'll take a few days of begging people to post comments before it hits the top 50 videos

As a service to our readers, FAP provides a roundup of the day's top 10 YouTube videos. You're welcome.

1. A cat falling off the couch (576,452 views)

2. Some Spanish guy scoring a goal and the ensuing monosyllabic catchphrase that goes with it (518,221 views)

3. Latvian soap opera in 14 parts (511,080 views)

4. A sports reporter gets whacked in the balls by a golf ball to Benny Hill music (479,004 views)

5. Some Spanish guy scoring a goal -- same video but two seconds longer than the other one (464,984 views)

6. Teenager in his basement talking about how awesome he is for two minutes. Then, a hot Japanimation girl taking off her clothes for one second. Then two more minutes of the ridiculous basement dweller talking about himself. (322,222 views)

7. DaxFlame talks about his pencil -- Autism on parade (267,603 views)

8. Barack Obama speech set to Muzak of "Yes, We Can" -- 167 minutes long (252,234 views)

9. A gay guy talking about his jeans (233,432 views)

10. A demolition derby in Oklahoma set to Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone." (213, 886 views)

Al Qaeda Seeks Western-Looking Recruits

Posted: As soon as we got through security, at the Gordon Biersch pub next to the Nutty Bavarian

CAVE -- Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look Western," according to CIA Director Michael Hayden, who appeared on NBC's "Meet the Press." A high-level CIA Director, under condition of anonymity, revealed to FAP that al Qaeda's No. 1 choice for a Western-looking recruit would bear a strong resemblance to old-time movie star Gabby Hayes. Second would be John Wayne. Third, in a move to court the growing U.S. Latino population, would be Juan Valdez.

"Al Qaeda is looking for operatives who will blend seamlessly into American society," Hayden told Tim Russert. "Be on the lookout for men wearing Wrangler jeans and stupid-looking Garth Brooks-style patchwork shirts. They will also likely be chewing tobacco and/or slow-cooking beans."

One operative has already been caught trying to cross the border from Canada into Washington State. U.S. Customs officials became suspicious when a dusty, floppy-hatted, grizzly man with a wide, shallow tin pan and three teeth said he was "a '49er on my ways to pan me some gold bullion in Eureka, Californ-ee."

When asked if he was a real American, he responded, "Yer dern tootin' I is. Tee hee! Where can I get me some vittles and shoot some yankees? Wait, ah wasn't s'posed to say that out loud. You ain't heard that, ya got me, buddy? Tee hee! Ma mouth sho is sumthin'!"

Baghdad Curfews Ineffective; Insurgents Grounded For A Week

Photo courtesy of Baghdad South H.S. Homecoming Parade Steering Committee

Posted: At 10:34pm, but I swear it wasn't my fault. I won't do it again.

BAGHDAD -- After strict curfews did nothing to quell sectarian violence in Baghdad last week, local Bagh-Daddy Nouri Al-Maliki has grounded all insurgents for a week without any satellite phone privileges. And they can forget about going to the frosh/soph cricket game Friday night.

The dramatic move did not sit well with Bobby Al-Maliki, Nouri's son and a sophomore at Baghdad South High School.

"It's just not fair! All the other kids get to go near the Green Zone on weekends," said the crestfallen teenager. "It's not like we're looting the Oil Ministry or nothing."

When asked about the crackdown, Nouri said, "Everybody knows that al-Sadr is a bad egg whose parents give him complete run of the country until Allah knows what hour of the night."

Bobby tried to call a family meeting but could not get a quorum. "I hate you and I hate this family," Bobby yelled before slamming his bedroom beads shut.

Al-Maliki soon backed off after a sympathetic appeal from his wife, Betty Al-Maliki. "Nouri-bear," she said, according to one witness, Bobby, who asked for anonymity, but was refused. "Why are you so hard on the boy? He's not a little kid anymore. He just wants your attention."

Shortly thereafter, Al-Maliki made an announcement that the insurgents were grounded until Wednesday and if they behaved like good coalition supporters, he would reconsider ungrounding them at that time.

"Don't think I'm going to do this every time," he added.

Chelsea Launches "None Of Your Business" Stand-Up Comedy Tour

Photo provided courtesy of the Yuk Yuk Club on Pico

Posted: You know how every news story online says how many minutes ago it was posted? What's up with that?

WELLESLEY, Mass. -- "What's up Swellesley, Mass?!" That was the opening salvo when Chelsea Clinton kicked off her "None of Your Business Stand-Up Comedy Tour" at her mom's alma mater, the all-women's Wellesley College. The former first daughter will campaign for her mother in a most unusual way -- by doing stand-up comedy about her life growing up in the White House.

So far, she's getting a rowdy, welcoming reception. The audience favorite each night has quickly become a new tradition. One lucky student stands up to ask Clinton about her dad's affair with Monica Lewinsky. The audience, responding in uproarious laughter and applause, chimes in with Chelsea, "That's none of your business!"

"You gotta admit, though, my dad made a good choice -- with Monica, that is. She was HY-OT! I know I'm supposed to defend my mom, but f**k it. If I was president and my mom was my wife, I'd do Monica in the Oval Office, too."

Later, Chelsea quipped, "So, I'm here to talk up my mom and make her seem more likable -- like I can f***ing do that! She goes from smiling presidential candidate to raging bitch in about four seconds, depending on the proximity of reporters, cameras and microphones." After a well-played pause, she continued. "It used to take her only two seconds -- she's made a lot of progress."

Chelsea finished the night by saying, "Seriously, you need to vote for my mom for no other reason than I want my f***ing bedroom back. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm 28, for crying out loud! -- which I did a lot of back then. Good night!" She then dropped the microphone and exited.