Big Bird Arraigned For Attempted Grouch-Slaughter

Photo courtesy of the Birdstein family

"'H' is for 'heroin,' that's good enough
for me!"

BREAKING NEWS!!!
Posted: One-two-three-four-five, six-seven-eight-nine-ten, eleven-tweuheuheuhlve. TWELVE! (minutes ago)

SESAME STREET -- Well-known actor and bird, Big Bird, full name Sol Birdstein, was arraigned on attempted grouch-slaughter charges and felony drunken driving today following an angry altercation with police last week. Birdstein was not present at the hearing. His lawyer, Grover, entered a plea of, "Let's cooperate."

The judge threw him out of the courtroom.

In the third of a string of recent run-ins with police, Birdstein was arrested in late February for drunken driving on Sesame Street and ramming a homeless monster in a trash can. After re-entering the courtroom, Grover addressed the court after slapping the judge on the back.

"Heeeeeeeeeeey, Judge-y Bay-beeeeee!" he began, then argued that the judge should dismiss the attempted grouch-slaughter charges and let Birdstein plead to a lesser charge of "not sharing ... the road with a stationary object propped up on a wooden crate." The judge threw Grover out, again.

For the original story, sit on your mommie's lap, be extra super-super-good and read:

BIG BIRD ARRESTED FOR DUI

Ape Pries Rifle From Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

FREE-ASS. EXTRA!!!
Posted: I can't remember when

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- Charlton Heston, the great scion of Hollywood's golden era, died Saturday at the age of 84. At 2:30 a.m. Monday, the Los Angeles County Coroner, Dr. Ape-raham Zaius, ruled out foul play in Heston's death, despite finding the deceased actor with a rifle in his hands.

"It took a while to pry that thing from his cold, dead hands. I had to get my brother Cornelius and a crowbar," said Dr. Zaius.

The LAPD's preliminary investigation revealed that Heston was lying in wait with a .22 caliber rifle, hoping to take out the "damn, dirty ape" that stole his medications.

FAP will bring you more details as they happen.

"Genius" Fed Chairman Predicts Recession

Free-Ass. Extra!!!

Posted: 3 consecutive quarters of negative growth ago

In testimony before Congress's Joint Economic Committee yesterday, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke warned that a U.S. "recession is possible."

Committee Chairman Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) responded, "No shit! Did everybody hear that? Looks like we got ourselves an eek-onomic genius here. Thanks for the update, Brainiac." Schumer then quickly adjourned the three-and-a-half minute meeting.

Next week, Bernanke is scheduled to tell a group of local high school seniors that during their freshman year of college, "binge drinking is possible."

Jimmy John's Now Charging For "Free Smells"

Posted: Four sandwiches and eight pitchers ago

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- The deepening economic recession is hitting all areas of the American economy equally -- and hard. Jimmy John's, the beloved sub sandwich shop that used to offer "Free Smells," will start charging $1 for them effective immediately.

"We had to take down the neon signs," said James John, CEO of Jimmy John's. "There was simply no alternative. We had to look for alternative revenue streams. We already water down the Cokes and use paper-thin meat. We will, however, continue to slather our sandwiches with way too much mayonnaise."

So the obvious question: Is every time you inhale within the confines of a Jimmy John's shop counted as a smell? What about at 3 in the morning when you walk by on your way to make a really huge mistake with a person less attractive than your sandwich?

"Yes, even walking by, normal breathing is considered smelling and yes, that hook-up you're pondering is a giant mistake -- literally," John said. "By the way, you owe me eight bucks."

"I think it's fine," said one local customer, a business major and all-around self-important prick. "If people want free smells, they should go to some communist country like Cock-istan or whatever. If you wanna smell somethin' else, you can smell my ass. That's free." Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins, an elderly woman, disagreed.

"On a fixed income, I just can't afford to pay a dollar for each smell," she said. "What's next, charging 41 cents for a stamp?"

"Where am I?" she added.

McCain Launches General Election Ad Slamming Nobody

Posted: On a bathroom wall which I wrote down on toilet paper and used immediately

PHOENIX, Ariz. -- Republican presidential nominee Sen. John McCain has launched a hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners, balls-to-the-wall campaign ad sharply slamming his yet-to-be-determined opponent for his or her yet-to-be-made verbal gaffes regarding still-yet-to-be-announced general election policies, all of which sharply contrast with McCain's own yet-to-be-finalized beliefs on tax cuts, immigration and abortion.

"John McCain's opponent probably wants to raise your taxes," says the sinister-sounding voiceover, who must not vote for anyone because he reads for every candidate's ads. "He or she may or may not have foreign policy experience and may even have called you an idiot. Or maybe something worse. Is that the kind of leadership you want for America? John McCain will identify himself and call you a jerk to your face. Just ask 'the little jerk' who asked McCain about dying in office."

Timed to coincide with the ad's release, Joe Lieberman, now an Independent and self-titled "Republicrat," endorsed McCain today, saying, "In all the days of this election cycle, I haven't seen a more talented or more experienced party nominee -- so far. That's why I'm haltingly, tentatively and conditionally endorsing my acquaintance, John McCain. He is the best nominee for this country on this day and time, March 31 at 12:38 p.m., and he is ready to start on Day One -- if that day were today."

Egg McMuffin Creator Dies; To Be Buried In Huge Fork-Split English Muffin

Posted: Right after the french fryer beeped

MCDONALDLAND -- Herb Peterson, the original creator of McDonald's Egg McMuffin, died last week in California.

"McDonaldland has lost one of its heroes," said a visibly upset Mayor McCheese, as he wiped the mayonnaise from his sesame seed-specked face. "Breakfast will never be the same again."

The funeral service, held at a Santa Barbara McDonald's Playland, was a veritable "who's who" of collector's glasses and plastic plates. Ronald McDonald wore somber, black-and-white striped socks, black clown shoes, a black wig and a cosmetic tear. When asked about his dramatic clothing change, McDonald said, "This is no time for joking around, smiling or just being really creepy in general." Shortly thereafter, an FAP reporter observed Grimace approach McDonald and say through choked-back tears, "Duh ... Hey Ronald! How many hamburgers does it take to change a light bulb?"

"We've been robble robbled!" The Hamburglar wailed, as he poured some grease from his Egg McMuffin onto the ground in honor of his now-dead homey and hand-held food confidant.

The Fry Guys, who served as pall bearers, drowned their sorrows with swigs of rum-laced orange drink inside the empty, bar-laden head of the Chief of Police, Big Mac. Per his family's request, Peterson was lowered into a greasy, coffin-shaped muffin via one last ride down the McDonald's Playland corkscrew slide.

"Some preferred him when he had ketchup, others maple syrup. I, for one, thought he was good just the way he was," said Donald McRonald, a local celebrity who makes his living as a Ronald McDonald impersonator at kids' birthday parties and at local parks at sundown.

After the service, mourners went inside McDonald's to enjoy breakfast and old people drinking coffee, but were told that breakfast had stopped being served at 10:30. McRonald summed up the mood nicely.

"Right now, it feels like 10:31 all over the world ."