Recession Prompts DNC To Lay Off 600 Superdelegates

FREE-ASS. IN-DEPTH
(In-Depth means it's a long-ass article but it's totally worth it.)

Posted: Right now ... Hey! It means everything. Right now!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a move that's sure to send shockwaves through the vote-manufacturing industry, the Democratic National Committee announced late last week that it will lay off 600 super delegates.

Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC, said, "The recession has affected all parts of the economy, even rich Democrats like me. I have heard the superdelegates' concerns and I have listened. And like many CEOs across this great nation, I have chosen to ignore them. Instead, I will offer a token acknowledgement of the problem without putting forth a reasonable solution or a means of paying for it. I'm just happy we can get past this and get back to fighting corporations that are shipping American jobs overseas."

The DNC plans to open a satellite office in Jalandhar, India, in May and will hire 400 superdelegates there before the election. Superdelegates may file an appeal to contest the layoffs, according to Dean. "Just e-mail my office. I'll have my assistant chief of staff have his intern send you a form-letter, "Do Not Reply" response. That's how democracy works. That's why we're the greatest nation in the world. YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Hardest hit in this democratic downturn were superdelegates from Michigan and Florida. Not only will their delegates not be seated at the convention, but their superdelegates have been laid off, too. Said Hillary Clinton of the move, "If the DNC has delegates in India, then we expect to receive their votes from the 1 billion-person India primary." Clinton seemed to have a swagger when delivering her remarks. FAP uncovered that India did recently hold a U.S. presidential primary and Clinton was the only one on the ballot, listed as "Mohandas H.C. Mother Theresa Ghandi." Results are still being tabulated. Have you any idea how long it takes to count a billion ballots?

Delegates in the 48 other states, four U.S. territories and several Democratic broads*, will continue on in their role as delegates and superdelegates to the Democratic National Convention this August in Denver. The delegation from India will phone in their votes at the convention via a 1-800 number. Danny Lane, the DNC's phone vote manager, said, "We expect their hold time to be less than ... se-ven min-utes. Their calls are very important to us and we appreciate their patience. A DNC operator will be with them shortly. Did you know you can log on to your DNC account online? Just go to www.democrats.org forward slash obama coronation, all one word. See you there!" He then began singing, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder.

Barack Obama said that laying off 600 superdelegates was "a dopey idea."

"Everyone is going to vote for me whether they are here or in India or in Afghanistan. I have family everywhere. I'm actually kinda tired of this shit. Aren't you?" he asked.

However, officials in Michigan and Florida have cried foul. After agreeing to the DNC's rules, breaking them, getting ousted from the process and then whining for six months that their votes won't count, they want those jobs and votes back. John McCain weighed in.

"I told them the jobs weren't coming back and if I'm president, I'll make sure that happens," he said. "That's not just a campaign promise. You can take that to the John McCain 'Truth Squad.'"

On the topic of disenfranchising even more voters, Howard Dean said, "Let's put this in perspective. We usually disenfranchise millions more voters each election cycle by coronating our candidate in late February. Hell, back in 2004, John Kerry locked it up on March 2 before 21 states had even voted. No one was whining then about delegate layoffs. Just because democracy is playing out in-full this time, doesn't mean everyone should freak out and start asking for their vote to count. That's just plain un-American."

To re-enfranchise voters in Michigan and Florida, several Subway franchisees have come together and offered part-time jobs to displaced delegates and promised to hold a million-dollar scratch-ticket sweepstakes where customers who buy a Fresh Buzz Meal Deal will have a chance at winning a trip to the Denver convention as part of Jared's "Tour de Pants." There, they can stand somewhere in the back of the fenced press pen located two blocks away, eat their meal and watch everything on TV -- all expenses paid.**


*FAP Correction: Paragraph 5 of this story referred to several unidentified Democrat broads serving as delegates. Follow-up research, which included a "Feeling Lucky" Google search and asking a friend, revealed that the "broad" is in fact a group called Democrats Abroad. FAP sort of regrets this intentional error.

**Subway Terms and Conditions: All expenses paid means you pay all the expenses yourself, including airfare, hotel, transportation, finding a way into the convention press pen, the $5 entry fee into Jared's "Tour de Pants" and food; including but not limited to Subway meals which will not be provided at a discount. Cookies may not be substituted for chips. Asiago cheese bread not available in some areas.

Obama Responds To Clinton's Rev. Wright Comments

Free-Ass. Extra!!!

Posted: 1492. Hey! What are those three ships?

PROBABLY PENNSYLVANIA -- Last night, Sen. Hillary Clinton attacked Sen. Barack Obama about his pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, saying, "I think given all we have heard and seen, he would not have been my pastor." FAP spoke with Obama shortly afterward.

"I think given all we have heard and seen, Bill Clinton would not have been my husband," Obama said.

For more election excitement, check out these FAP stories:

JOHN MCCAIN CONFUSES AL QAEDA WITH AL ROKER
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Study: 70% of American Dental Association Employees Have "F***ed-Up Teeth"

Posted: Every six months if I have insurance

CHICAGO -- According to a new study by the Center for Popular Hypocrisy at UCLA's Koreatown Campus, 70 percent of American Dental Association workers have "f***ed-up teeth."

The study noted dozens of other ADA employees who had chronic halitosis, badly discolored teeth -- like, Chiclet-shaped teeth that look like they have spinach stuck between them -- and rotting, pus-ridden cavities filled with Now & Later candy.

"You should see the smoking area out in front of our building," said Dr. Judith Foley, head of Toothpaste Affairs for ADA. "These people put strippers to shame. And, I might add, they smoke right in front of the war memorial dedicated to the 160 veteran dentists who have lost their lives for American dental freedom." Employees at other companies in the complex agreed.

"It's disgusting," said Kashmir Singh, who works for a firm three floors below the ADA's offices. "I was in the lobby last week and asked a pleasant-looking woman for directions to Starbucks. When she opened her mouth, I thought I was talking to a meth addict. Turns out it was the Executive Director of the ADA's Commission on Dental Accreditation."

Although the ADA Web site contains exhaustive educational resources, with links to products bearing the ADA Seal of Acceptance, a "Smile Smarts Curriculum," a "You and Your Dentist FAQ" and even a section titled "DENTAL GRILLS (grillz or fronts)," apparently very few ADA employees have adopted, much less read, and in fact, actively denounce and reject, the organization's multitude of recommendations for maintaining good oral health.

When asked about the discrepancy, Jerry Sinclair, head of ADA's Enamel Tower, said there was a simple explanation.

"We outsourced the creation of our Web site to a third-party provider," he said, adding they had signed an NDA with the ADA. "I can't tell you who they are, but these guys had some f***ing white-ass teeth."

Bush Throws Surprise 5th Birthday Party For Iraq War

Posted: I think 8:53. Wait, maybe its 5:83? No. I'll go with 8:53. Some of the bars are fading on my digital watch. It's hard to tell.

BAGHDAD -- President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq this week in order to throw a surprise fifth birthday party for the younger-than-he-looks Iraq War. The event was held inside the heavily decorated and fortified Green Zone.

"Thank you all for coming," President Bush whispered from his podium, giggling. "Now when the War walks through that door, I want everyone to yell, 'Surprise!' I can't wait to see the shock and awe on his face."

Attending the party was Bush's Secret Service detail, an array of military assets and soldiers to provide additional security; helicopters and F-16 air support; 450 hand-picked U.S. and "coalition" soldiers; 371 private civilian contractors from Halliburton, 20 reporters, four cameramen, Vice President Dick Cheney via satellite uplink from Qatar; Condoleezza Rice and Scooter Libby (unannounced); and one lone Iraqi named Hamad. Everyone except Hamad threw flowers and welcomed the War as a liberator.

Bush handed out cone-shaped Kevlar helmets and tie-dye flak jackets as party favors. Party games included playing a more depressing version of Cowboys and Indians called "Soldiers and Insurgents," a rousing game of "Pin the Blame on the Iraqi Government" and a dangling, lifeless, Tootsie Roll-filled Saddam Hussein piñata.

"I love Tootsie Rolls," Rice said. "So the War must as well."

Even Scooter Libby was in attendance, entertaining the Secret Service with round after round of "Two Truths and a Lie."

Shortly after the War arrived, it was time to eat. Mr. Bush wheeled out a cooler containing ice-cold 2-liter bottles of "Surge" and a vanilla Humvee-shaped cake with plastic army men and dark chocolate roadside bombs. The cake exploded in fireworks and played a recording of "Happy Birthday" by the U.S. Army Band.

After the War opened his presents, Bush pulled him aside for a tender, fatherly moment.

"Did you get everything you wanted?" he asked the cake-smeared conflict.

"Almost everything," the War replied timidly. "I really wanted more oil-sharing revenues and troop withdrawal."

"Well, we can't always throw the party we want. Sometimes we just have to enjoy the party that's forced upon us." Bush then shooed the War off.

"He's getting so big," said Bush as he choked back tears watching the War knock the Saddam Hussein piñata off the string and then continue to beat it into the ground repeatedly with a stick. He then hit anyone else who tried to get too close to the candy.

"Soon he's gonna be an adult war living and thriving on his own. He won't need his dear-old-dad around much longer." Rice then gave Bush a hug before he addressed the crowd again.

"We gotta clean this place up before curfew. Can we do it?" Bush asked the crowd, in an attempt to mimic the energetic call-and-response style of Sen. Barack Obama's rallies.

"Yes we can," mumbled Hamad in Arabic, adding, "When are you leaving again?"

ARE YOU LIKE MOST AMERICANS AND CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE IRAQ WAR? THEN TAKE OUR POLL, DIRECTLY TO YOUR RIGHT!

Editor's note: That poll has since been removed. The U.S. beat Iraq ... bad.

Dalai Lama Threatens To Step Down, Clearing Way For Obama

Posted: This will likely happen tomorrow, but we posted it today to get a jump on the weekend 'cause we got an inflatable taco and we're goin' tubin' at the lake on my uncle's boat.

TIBET -- Violence rages on between Tibetan Buddhist monks and the Chinese military. The Dalai Lama said today that he would step down if it would curb the violence. This prompted a strange response from Sen. Barack Obama's presidential campaign.

"We have formed an exploratory committee to run for the office of Dalai Lama," said David Axelrod, Obama's political advisor. "It is time for Dalai to step down and for the world to elect the Obama Lama."

When asked about the announcement, Obama said, "We see ourselves as the underdog here. If you were to pick the ideal background for someone to become the new Dalai Lama, a skinny black Christian kid with a funny name might not be the best place to start. But, we've got the audacity to hope and so far, we're running unopposed. I was just in Lhasa yesterday. I brought Tibetans and Buddhists together. They shouted something that sounded like "Yes, we can!" before the Chinese soldiers started shooting. It was a big moment for everyone."

Hillary Clinton's campaign made its own announcement today. Clinton said she has received the endorsement of She-Ra to be one of the new Masters of the Universe. With that endorsement comes the support of 17 superhuman delegates, a Sword of Power and a Battlecat.

For more stories on the presidential campaign trail and other He-Man-related articles, check out this Free-Ass. stuff:

CREATOR OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS DIES AT DUNWOODY APOTHECARY
FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES TO BE DECIDED BY ROSHAMBO