John McCain Confuses Al Qaeda With Al Roker

Posted: Two surges ago

AMMAN, JORDAN -- John McCain has flubbed again. On his recent trip to the Middle East, the "Senior Senator" from Arizona held a press conference where he confused the names of the terrorist group Al Qaeda with "The Today Show" weatherman Al Roker.

"We have got to stop Iran and President MacMood Onomatopoeia from supporting and arming Al Roker. It is making America less safe," McCain said. "And less funny."

FAP scored an exclusive interview with Al Roker. When asked about the allegations, he said, "Hey FAP! I'm down here in Odessa, Texas, at the annual Vittles and Fiddles Festival. Boy, this food sure looks good, but I can't eat it 'cause my stomach is stapled shut. The weather here in Odessa is hot and sunny with a high of 82 degrees, and there's a 30-percent chance that I'm a terrorist. Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods."

For more updates on the progress of John McCain's presidential bid, click here:

JOHN MCCAIN'S RECENT PROGRESS

Florida And Michigan Delegates To Be Decided By Roshambo

Posted: Four score and seven minutes ago

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- The Democratic National Committee, in its infinite brilliance, has come to a decision regarding the delegate conundrum in Florida and Michigan. Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will play "Rock, Paper, Scissors," also known as "Roshambo," 366 times to decide who gets the 366 delegates at stake between the two states.

"Each game is worth one delegate," said Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee. "It is the only cost- and voter-free way to decide this. If it's good enough for the playground, it's good enough for America."

"Yeeeeeaaaahhhh!" Dean then screamed loudly, trying to drum up support for his plan. He was immediately beaten down and removed from the room.

Obama supports the idea and spoke about his strategy. "Look. Hillary is a rock kind of person. Uh, typical schoolgirl wants to make a statement. She goes for the rock. I'm a paper guy. Paper covers rock. Every time. Then when she gets frustrated that her rock doesn't work, she tries scissors. That's when I go for rock. Now, John McCain. He goes for rock every time, no matter what, no matter how bad the losses. In fact, in a recent campaign speech, he said he was going to play rock for the next 100 years. Is that the kind of roshambo we want to play as a country? I'm a rock you can believe in. I didn't say 'Iraq,' I said 'a rock,'" said Barack.

Because Obama supports it, Clinton is staunchly opposed to the idea. "Well, what Barack does not know is that I have been playing Rock, Paper, Scissors for 35 years. I used Rock, Paper, Scissors to help bring peace to Northern Ireland and to open the Macedonian border to Kosovar refugees. I played it 366 times by myself just now and won every round. It doesn't matter if he was there or not. All those delegates should be counted for me because I won and he didn't." Clinton then blew raspberries at the FAP reporter and called him a "stupid doodoo head."

In a statement written in crayon and read over the morning announcements, Obama's campaign said that racist slurs such as "stupid doodoo head" have no place in a presidential campaign and that Clinton should get a timeout.

For more news on Clinton's campaign progress, check out these FAP articles:

CLINTON WINS WHITE VOTE IN MISSISSIPPI
CLINTON CAMPAIGN SAYS GUAM IS A "MUST WIN"