Posted: Eleventy-five minutes ago
NEW YORK CITY -- As the spectre of impeachment loomed before his resignation Wednesday afternoon, soon-to-be former, but still current New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was defiant in maintaining that a sentence he spoke at his January 2007 inauguration had been misconstrued and was now being used against him.
"I was very clear on that clear day," Spitzer said. "I'm a dirty, dirty, bad boy and my loins were burning for some strange. I was expressing lust, plain and simple. To say that I was calling for bringing lustre back to state government is preposterous and completely inappropriate."
The 48-year-old governor's resignation marks the end of a public career lauded by ethics reformers and loathed by those he prosecuted during his tenure as the state's attorney general. In one instant, the governor went from being a bright, capable man who pursued mobsters with the same zeal in which he pursued 5-foot-3, 105-pound brunettes, to a not-so bright, very sexually capable man who misunderestimated the public's capacity to forgive someone who made awkward statements that were misconstrued.
Spitzer faces several indictments for violating the Mann Act, a 1910 law which makes transporting a woman across state lines for the purposes of prostitution a federal offense. Through his lawyer, Spitzer released the following statement: "You said, 'Mann Act.' It's funny because they should actually call it the "WoMann Act." But seriously, folks, this is just a colossal, eight-year, $80,000 misunderstanding between me, my wife, my three daughters, the IRS, the Treasury Department, Emperors Club VIP escort service, every citizen of New York State, a really, really hot hooker and the fine reporters at The New York Times who broke this story."
Spitzer says he has found renewed vigor and purpose and vowed to restore lust to the private sector once this incident "... has had a chance to blow over."
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Spitzer Denies Sex Scandal
Posted: I posted it now but I started it yesterday
ALBANY, N.Y. -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer apologized yesterday for a sex scandal he was involved in with a prostitute. FAP was unable to get an exclusive interview with Spitzer, but we did score an interview with FAP acquaintance Carrie Spitzer. Although she is no relation to Gov. Spitzer, she denies ever being involved with a sex scandal.
"Why are you calling me?" Spitzer asked after the initial FAP contact. When asked if she has ever been involved in a sex scandal, she said, "We went to high school together. You haven't talked to me since we were partners in bio class. What is this again? What's FAP?"
Spitzer denies any connection to any sex scandals, even though she has the same last name, "Spitzer." "I teach second grade! I have a family!" she claimed. However, upon further investigation, FAP found that she indeed teaches second grade as well as fifth grade health.
"Fifth grade health is the class that introduces discussions about sex," said superintendent David Ray. When confronted with the FAP investigative report, Spitzer denied any scandal.
"You were a jerk in high school and you're a jerk now! What's that sound? Are you recording this?"
The answer is yes. And I'm not a jerk. I'm a reporter.
FAP will bring you updates as they happen. FAP may also tease you with a dissected frog.
ALBANY, N.Y. -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer apologized yesterday for a sex scandal he was involved in with a prostitute. FAP was unable to get an exclusive interview with Spitzer, but we did score an interview with FAP acquaintance Carrie Spitzer. Although she is no relation to Gov. Spitzer, she denies ever being involved with a sex scandal.
"Why are you calling me?" Spitzer asked after the initial FAP contact. When asked if she has ever been involved in a sex scandal, she said, "We went to high school together. You haven't talked to me since we were partners in bio class. What is this again? What's FAP?"
Spitzer denies any connection to any sex scandals, even though she has the same last name, "Spitzer." "I teach second grade! I have a family!" she claimed. However, upon further investigation, FAP found that she indeed teaches second grade as well as fifth grade health.
"Fifth grade health is the class that introduces discussions about sex," said superintendent David Ray. When confronted with the FAP investigative report, Spitzer denied any scandal.
"You were a jerk in high school and you're a jerk now! What's that sound? Are you recording this?"
The answer is yes. And I'm not a jerk. I'm a reporter.
FAP will bring you updates as they happen. FAP may also tease you with a dissected frog.
Clinton Wins White Vote In Mississippi
Posted: Five minutes ago, seriously, just one second before CNN made its projection which was just one second after the polls closed, with zero percent of precincts reporting ...
JACKSON, Miss. -- Results from Tuesday's primary in Mississippi showed that Hillary Clinton won the white vote there. Her name was Twyla Higgins, 89, an elderly resident of Jackson and the only white person to vote in the state's Democratic primary.
"I just really like her. She reminds me of Eleanor Roosevelt and I'm ready for a New Deal," said an excited Higgins after casting her vote.
FAP got a tip from one of its exit pollsters that there was low voter turnout among whites in Mississippi because of a day-long Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn Festival in Greenville. Instead of voting, a Tom Sawyer lookalike persuaded thousands of white Mississippians to whitewash a fence.
"Boy, that whitewashing sure is fun!" said one energized festival-goer. "Now, what were you saying about, what's that name again, Hillary?"
The other white voter in Mississippi voted for Ron Paul. "Death! Taxes! Liberty! Racist newsletters from the '80s and early '90s!" screamed the rabid voter, who then took an enormous drag off of a 24-karat gold bong.
"I named this baby 'The Gold Standard,'" he said through a haze of thick, sweet smoke. "Ron Paul says he is a big advocate of the gold standard. I didn't know my pipe was so popular. Whoa! Watch out for that flying elephant, dude!"
For insight into Hilary Clinton's continuing strategy, see this related FAP article:
CLINTON SAYS GUAM IS A "MUST WIN"
Vatican Receives New Sins On Tablet PC
Posted: Five minutes ago, but it felt like five hours 'cause I was high
VATICAN CITY -- The Vatican announced today the addition of eight new sins to the list of things Catholics should feel guilty about. Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's No. 2 man, also known as the "Vice Pope," held a press conference today to detail the new sins. The two most publicized sins were polluting the environment and genetically modifying foods. However, FAP scored an exclusive interview with the Dick Cheney of Vatican City and dug a little deeper. Among the more controversial sins released today:
-- Suing the Catholic Church over anything, especially getting touched by a priest, which didn't happen
-- Voting for a Democrat, unless it's John F. Kennedy
-- Double-dipping your tortilla chips at a public gathering
-- Putting "20% off" Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in the collection plate
-- Chugging holy water
-- Stacking communion wafers and putting syrup on them
When asked how the Vatican came up with the new list of sins, Girotti said, "God provided Pope Benedict XVI with a tablet of sins." In a new step toward the use of technology, God apparently gave Pope B. a Tablet PC.
"The download speed was amazing," he said. "We get wireless anywhere in the world now, not just at Starbucks."
In addition to the new sins, the Tablet PC has a kick-ass version of Minesweeper, an actual working version of Windows Vista and an "Ask God" widget.
"We are thrilled to have a new tablet in the Vatican," Girotti added. He also said that God hinted at presenting an iPhone competitor at GodWorld '09, but refused to give specifics, saying only, "It will make God think he's Steve Jobs."
VATICAN CITY -- The Vatican announced today the addition of eight new sins to the list of things Catholics should feel guilty about. Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's No. 2 man, also known as the "Vice Pope," held a press conference today to detail the new sins. The two most publicized sins were polluting the environment and genetically modifying foods. However, FAP scored an exclusive interview with the Dick Cheney of Vatican City and dug a little deeper. Among the more controversial sins released today:
-- Suing the Catholic Church over anything, especially getting touched by a priest, which didn't happen
-- Voting for a Democrat, unless it's John F. Kennedy
-- Double-dipping your tortilla chips at a public gathering
-- Putting "20% off" Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in the collection plate
-- Chugging holy water
-- Stacking communion wafers and putting syrup on them
When asked how the Vatican came up with the new list of sins, Girotti said, "God provided Pope Benedict XVI with a tablet of sins." In a new step toward the use of technology, God apparently gave Pope B. a Tablet PC.
"The download speed was amazing," he said. "We get wireless anywhere in the world now, not just at Starbucks."
In addition to the new sins, the Tablet PC has a kick-ass version of Minesweeper, an actual working version of Windows Vista and an "Ask God" widget.
"We are thrilled to have a new tablet in the Vatican," Girotti added. He also said that God hinted at presenting an iPhone competitor at GodWorld '09, but refused to give specifics, saying only, "It will make God think he's Steve Jobs."
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