Posted: Maybe like 4 days ago but do you really care?
ATLANTA -- CNN reporter Campbell Brown has changed her name. She will now be called "Progresso Brown."
When questioned about the change, she said, "I am a professional reporter. I got tired of senators and congressmen making fun of me. Plus, with my recent pregnancy, I was just begging to be called 'Chunky.'" Chunky is a popular Campbell's Soup brand. It's soup that eats like a meal, according to their Web site and several NFL mothers.
"Hey baby, you look Mmm, mmm good!" is one line Brown says she hears almost daily. "Campbell ... possibilities," an obscure double entendre that references the company's more recent ad campaign, has also been bandied about, according to Brown. "'Can I get some of that soup in a cup?' or 'You and me: Bean with Bacon. Let's go.' And don't even get me started on the stroganoff references. All of these are totally inappropriate. I know I'm hot and steamy, but this chicken and stars is not for sale."
When asked about the Progresso change, she said, "No one makes fun of Progresso. It's just good, not funny soup. With my new name, no one will ask if they can eat my Chickarina. OK, maybe they will. Darn it! I should have picked a non-soup name."
According to Brown's parents, they named her Campbell because her mother went into labor after eating six bowls of Campbell's Beef Vegetable soup. "We called it 'birf vegetable soup,'" said Brown's mother. Progresso Brown, formerly Campbell (see news story you're currently reading), says she can't remember because she was a baby.
Progresso officials say they welcome the change. Inspired by Brown's move, her CNN colleague Wolf Blitzer tells FAP he is going to begin referring to his bedroom as "The Situation Room." In related news, Jack Cafferty has been suspended indefinitely for asking CNN correspondent Candy Crowley if she'd like to see "The Cafferty File."
Friday, March 7, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Creator Of Dungeons & Dragons Dies At Dunwoody Apothecary
Posted: Like 3 minutes ago. Maybe more.
LAKE GENEVA, Wis. -- E. Gary Gygax, creator of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, is dead. The cause of death is unknown.
Upon mysteriously falling ill last week, Gygax was transported to the Dunwoody Apothecary deep inside Sorcerer's Wood. He was seen by the Head of Potions and Spells, Dr. Lothar Grendyll, (Halfling, Level 14, 87 HP, Democrat).
"After rolling for initiative, I gave him a Potion of Superior Ardor to revive him. However, I rolled a one on the 12-sided die. The potion was counteractive. He had already lost many hit points and was fading fast. I usually roll better than that."
Grendyll immediately called in an additional team of clerics, druids and familiars with higher ability scores. Even after giving him a +4 Elixir of Great Repair Enhancement and making numerous attempts with the Cauldron of Wondrous Accessories, nothing worked.
"We found a bite mark in his high soft boots that indicates a possible Pseudo-Dragon bite or even a Bugbear. Both could have been fatal," Grendyll said.
Gygax was 69. And you're still a nerd.
LAKE GENEVA, Wis. -- E. Gary Gygax, creator of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, is dead. The cause of death is unknown.
Upon mysteriously falling ill last week, Gygax was transported to the Dunwoody Apothecary deep inside Sorcerer's Wood. He was seen by the Head of Potions and Spells, Dr. Lothar Grendyll, (Halfling, Level 14, 87 HP, Democrat).
"After rolling for initiative, I gave him a Potion of Superior Ardor to revive him. However, I rolled a one on the 12-sided die. The potion was counteractive. He had already lost many hit points and was fading fast. I usually roll better than that."
Grendyll immediately called in an additional team of clerics, druids and familiars with higher ability scores. Even after giving him a +4 Elixir of Great Repair Enhancement and making numerous attempts with the Cauldron of Wondrous Accessories, nothing worked.
"We found a bite mark in his high soft boots that indicates a possible Pseudo-Dragon bite or even a Bugbear. Both could have been fatal," Grendyll said.
Gygax was 69. And you're still a nerd.
Bush Says "Medvedev" Is Too Hard To Pronounce
Posted: 6 little ticks of the big hand ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden today, President Bush said that he does not like newly elected Russian President Dimitry Medvedev because his name is "too hard to pronounce."
"I don't trust him," Bush said while motioning and smirking. "Med -- Meddy-yeti -- I just call him Eddie Vedder."
FAP pressed Bush on the issue and Bush responded, "Look, I hire people with names that are easy for me. Condy Rice. Rice is easy. I have rice and beans when I go home to Crawford. Uncle Ben was black. She's black. It all makes perfect sense. Alberto Gonzalez? We called him Speedy. Arriba, arriba. Makes sense. Out in Iraq, we have Chemical Ali and Doctor Germ. They did evil things, but I like those names. Kinda makes me feel like Dick Tracy. Then you get this pompous Russian making everyone's life difficult."
President Bush conceded that he will try to learn Medvedev's name, but if he cannot, he will likely invade Russia because "you are either for easy names or you are against them."
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a press conference in the White House Rose Garden today, President Bush said that he does not like newly elected Russian President Dimitry Medvedev because his name is "too hard to pronounce."
"I don't trust him," Bush said while motioning and smirking. "Med -- Meddy-yeti -- I just call him Eddie Vedder."
FAP pressed Bush on the issue and Bush responded, "Look, I hire people with names that are easy for me. Condy Rice. Rice is easy. I have rice and beans when I go home to Crawford. Uncle Ben was black. She's black. It all makes perfect sense. Alberto Gonzalez? We called him Speedy. Arriba, arriba. Makes sense. Out in Iraq, we have Chemical Ali and Doctor Germ. They did evil things, but I like those names. Kinda makes me feel like Dick Tracy. Then you get this pompous Russian making everyone's life difficult."
President Bush conceded that he will try to learn Medvedev's name, but if he cannot, he will likely invade Russia because "you are either for easy names or you are against them."
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