Posted: 1 + 3 is 4 minutes ago
SESAME STREET -- Well-known actor and bird, Big Bird, full name Sol Birdstein, was arrested for driving under the influence at 3:38 a.m. this morning at the corner of Sesame Street and Steampipe Alley, just blocks from The Electric Company. Birdstein was arrested after pulling his 2008 Mercedes SL65 convertible up to an unmarked police cruiser and allegedly asking plainclothes officer Mike Thoeming, "Can you tell me how to get [hiccup], how to get to Sesame Street?"
"The large fowl was headed southbound on Sesame," Thoeming said. "He was driving erratically with his head stuck out 4 feet above the vehicle and littering yellow feathers everywhere. He was singing about wanting some chick to lay an egg on his face when he impacted a metal garbage can at a high rate of speed."
Ambulances were on the scene within minutes. Eyewitnesses said they heard Birdstein yelling as he was being taken into custody, "Get your f*ckin' hands off me! Do you know who I am, you c**k-sucking motherf*cker? I'll eat you for dinner then feed you to my children!"
Later, at the police station, Birdstein allegedly threatened officers trying to fingerprint his giant foam feet.
"What'd I do, you racist f*ck? You're just arresting me because I'm yellow!" Birdstein's agent and business manager, The Count, commented on the tragic accident.
"One! One DUI! Ah ah ah!"
Two others suffered minor injuries in the accident. A green, furry, angry thing and a chef carrying 12 blueberry pies were both taken to Sesame General for observation.
Friday, February 29, 2008
John McCain Is Clinically Dead, Sources Say
Posted: Exactly 10 minutes ago
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio -- Republican presidential nominee, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), has been clinically dead for several months, according to anonymous medical professionals close to the "Senior Senator." After a recent routine health inspection, reports say his doctor just shook his head.
"I checked him thoroughly," said Col. Patrick Christopher Ryan, McCain's physician and head surgeon at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center in the Bethesda Park area of Bethesda, Md. "He appears to be in good health aside from the fact that he has no heartbeat and no brain activity. We do see this occasionally in our patients. It is a rare and rather mythical condition known as being 'undead.'"
Rick Davis, McCain's campaign manager, said that despite this minor setback, he feels optimistic about McCain's chances. "We see this as an incredible opportunity," he said. "We're looking to the past, not ahead, and in the past, John McCain was alive and well. Having the first black or female president is the future. We're not interested in that. Having the first undead President? Now that's historic -- literally." Davis went on to say that McCain's condition opens a whole new voting bloc.
"According to new exit polls, the undead went for McCain 97 percent in nearly every primary," Davis said, adding that many conservatives, by definition, are interested in maintaining the status quo and don't like the idea of someone who is both alive and putting forth ideas for running the country. Media reports also say the other 3 percent supported Tom Tancredo, even though "his name sounds a little Mexican."
McCain's speaking schedule has now been expanded to include cemeteries, morgues and a weekend at fellow U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders' (I-Vt.).
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio -- Republican presidential nominee, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), has been clinically dead for several months, according to anonymous medical professionals close to the "Senior Senator." After a recent routine health inspection, reports say his doctor just shook his head.
"I checked him thoroughly," said Col. Patrick Christopher Ryan, McCain's physician and head surgeon at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center in the Bethesda Park area of Bethesda, Md. "He appears to be in good health aside from the fact that he has no heartbeat and no brain activity. We do see this occasionally in our patients. It is a rare and rather mythical condition known as being 'undead.'"
Rick Davis, McCain's campaign manager, said that despite this minor setback, he feels optimistic about McCain's chances. "We see this as an incredible opportunity," he said. "We're looking to the past, not ahead, and in the past, John McCain was alive and well. Having the first black or female president is the future. We're not interested in that. Having the first undead President? Now that's historic -- literally." Davis went on to say that McCain's condition opens a whole new voting bloc.
"According to new exit polls, the undead went for McCain 97 percent in nearly every primary," Davis said, adding that many conservatives, by definition, are interested in maintaining the status quo and don't like the idea of someone who is both alive and putting forth ideas for running the country. Media reports also say the other 3 percent supported Tom Tancredo, even though "his name sounds a little Mexican."
McCain's speaking schedule has now been expanded to include cemeteries, morgues and a weekend at fellow U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders' (I-Vt.).
Osama For Obama
Osama Bin Laden Stumps for Obama
Posted: Like 2 minutes ago
TORA BORA -- In a rare TV appearance on Waziristan NBC affiliate WALQ, Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, spoke out publicly today in support of Barack Obama, just ahead of the critical March 4 U.S. presidential primaries and caucuses in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont.
"His message of hope is truly inspiring," we think Bin Laden said. "He made me realize that I can make a difference. I've turned my life around. I'm volunteering in the mountains of Tora Bora as a crossing guard for elementary school children and their wives. I even put a 'Got Hope?' Obama bumper sticker on my pickup-truck-mounted machine gun."
Sporting his new "Osama for Obama" T-shirt, Bin Laden apologized for the 9/11 attacks. He said, "I'm not a bad person. Sometimes I just make bad choices. Now I ask kids on the playground that are fighting if they are making a good choice or a bad choice. They see the wisdom in my words. Then we all hug. I'm taking baby steps. I no longer chant, 'Death to America.' Now, it's more like 'A Really Bad Ankle Sprain for America.'"
Bin Laden, embarking on a worldwide media blitz, has stopped short of revealing his exact location but is planning an "O-bouncy House" fund-raiser for Obama next week in Peshawar (soon to be renamed Peshapeace, according to local officials) and plans to do a tell-all interview with Oprah Winfrey, dubbed "Osama for Obama on Oprah," in the coming weeks.
Posted: Like 2 minutes ago
TORA BORA -- In a rare TV appearance on Waziristan NBC affiliate WALQ, Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, spoke out publicly today in support of Barack Obama, just ahead of the critical March 4 U.S. presidential primaries and caucuses in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont.
"His message of hope is truly inspiring," we think Bin Laden said. "He made me realize that I can make a difference. I've turned my life around. I'm volunteering in the mountains of Tora Bora as a crossing guard for elementary school children and their wives. I even put a 'Got Hope?' Obama bumper sticker on my pickup-truck-mounted machine gun."
Sporting his new "Osama for Obama" T-shirt, Bin Laden apologized for the 9/11 attacks. He said, "I'm not a bad person. Sometimes I just make bad choices. Now I ask kids on the playground that are fighting if they are making a good choice or a bad choice. They see the wisdom in my words. Then we all hug. I'm taking baby steps. I no longer chant, 'Death to America.' Now, it's more like 'A Really Bad Ankle Sprain for America.'"
Bin Laden, embarking on a worldwide media blitz, has stopped short of revealing his exact location but is planning an "O-bouncy House" fund-raiser for Obama next week in Peshawar (soon to be renamed Peshapeace, according to local officials) and plans to do a tell-all interview with Oprah Winfrey, dubbed "Osama for Obama on Oprah," in the coming weeks.
Clinton Campaign Says Guam Is A "Must Win"
Posted: 8 seconds ago
WASHINGTON DC--After a lengthy string of crushing primary and caucus defeats, Maggie Williams, Clinton's campaign manager, said today that the tiny island nation and U.S. territory of Guam is a "must win." Guam contributes eight delegates to the primary totals.
"We think that those eight delegates will push us over the top to win the nomination," a delusional Williams said.
When asked about Guam, Clinton said, "I love the Guamese people. I think they're Guameriffic! They are just as American as anybody else who doesn't live in the United States. I call them Gua-mericans. Those eight people from Guam-nation are so beautiful..." Clinton then broke down crying but quickly stopped when she noticed no TV cameras in the immediate vicinity.
The Guam primary is May 3rd.
For other FAP stories about Hilary Clinton's campaign, check out:
FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES TO BE DECIDED BY ROSHAMBO
CLINTON WINS WHITE VOTE IN MISSISSIPPI
WASHINGTON DC--After a lengthy string of crushing primary and caucus defeats, Maggie Williams, Clinton's campaign manager, said today that the tiny island nation and U.S. territory of Guam is a "must win." Guam contributes eight delegates to the primary totals.
"We think that those eight delegates will push us over the top to win the nomination," a delusional Williams said.
When asked about Guam, Clinton said, "I love the Guamese people. I think they're Guameriffic! They are just as American as anybody else who doesn't live in the United States. I call them Gua-mericans. Those eight people from Guam-nation are so beautiful..." Clinton then broke down crying but quickly stopped when she noticed no TV cameras in the immediate vicinity.
The Guam primary is May 3rd.
For other FAP stories about Hilary Clinton's campaign, check out:
FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN DELEGATES TO BE DECIDED BY ROSHAMBO
CLINTON WINS WHITE VOTE IN MISSISSIPPI
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