John Edwards Endorses Himself

Posted: 7 poverty-stricken minutes ago

RALEIGH-DURHAM, N.C. -- In a strategic move designed to revive his bid for the Democratic presidential nomination, former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards endorsed himself at a press conference on the deck of his palatial Raleigh-Durham, N.C., estate. His wife, Elizabeth, their three children, Kate, Emma Claire and Jack, and their bloodhound, Scoot, all attended.

"When it comes to fighting poverty, when it comes to balancing the budget, when it comes to universal health care, the person in the Democratic party best equipped to take on these challenges is me. I have given this a lot of thought."

"That's right, Dad!" exclaimed Emma Claire, 10.

"Barf! Barf!" Scoot added.

"I thought long and hard about who is ready to be president on Day One," Edwards continued. "Then I thought, 'Who was ready to be president four years ago?' Me! Me, God damn it! That's why I'm asking all 26 of my pledged delegates to vote for me at the convention this summer."

Edwards went on to say that now that he has endorsed himself, he estimates that his 26 delegates actually equal 52 delegates. Because the primary and caucus system is so complicated, FAP took him at his word, but calculates his delegate count as closer to or exactly equal to 26.

Convention leaders are also skeptical about Edwards's math, however are clueless about how to count delegates. The Clinton campaign said Edwards's math is "plausible." Shortly thereafter, the Clinton campaign announced they won the Moon primary and picked up 47,000 delegates.

"The Moon people have spoken and they want Hillary Clinton," blubbered Mark Penn, Clinton's chief strategist.

Free-Ass. Press Hits the New York Times

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"The fake news site whose name cannot be repeated here."

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U.S. Makes Final Offer for Iran Talks: 700 Anytime Minutes

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"Man, I am so on the fence about freeasspress. On the one hand, It has mildly humorous points, but then on the other hand, it is just so lame."
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The Onion
Bludge Report
Cracked
The Skwib Carnival of Satire

Also see:
-- CNN's FAQ: "I hate you. Wolf Blitzer is just a Charles Gibson wannabe."
-- ABC's FAQ: "I hate you. Charles Gibson is just a Brian Williams wannabe."
-- CBS's FAQ: "I hate you. I wish Katie Couric wanted to be somebody else."

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