Posted: After calling four calling birds to see if it was a good idea
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In another monumental effort at stimulus for the global Bah-Humbug economy, the Federal Reserve Board convened an emergency session today and reduced the 12 Days of Christmas to four.
"People simply can't afford 12 days of Christmas this season," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. "Five golden rings is just not an option for struggling middle-class families, and Americans have seen all the maids-a-milking jobs get shipped overseas. We need to get our partridge back in that pear tree."
In addition, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced plans to use $425 billion of the $700 billion bailout plan money to buy up bad or troubled holiday gifts this season, like lame rubber ducks with George Bush's face, dish towels that say "Wipe your paws," and animatronic Santa Clauses with sunglasses riding Harleys that dance to "Born to be Wild," available today at CVS, Walgreens and other fine pharmacies near you.
When asked if $425 billion is enough to buy up all the toxic holiday gifts made in China, Paulson said, "It's not even close, but we are targeting the worst gifts hoping that they will become collector's items in a few years; gifts like Furbees and robot dogs. Then we will sell them on eBay like Sarah Palin did."
The Fed is also working in tandem with the Bush administration to bolster the stimulus. Today, the president granted a pardon to all Americans for purchasing useless holiday gifts for co-workers, such as hand-held vibrating back massagers, Glade candles and mixed nuts.
"Americans don't eat Brazil nuts," Bush said. "They're too big and they have that odd bitter skin on them. We need Americans eating America's nuts this holiday season."
"I love America's nuts," he added.
