WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a major concession to Congress, the Big Three automakers returned to Washington yesterday to lay out their plan for how to make their companies profitable again. The CEOs of Ford, GM and Chrysler did not arrive this time by private jet but rather by Hummer H2.
"We get it," said GM CEO Rick Wagoner. "We're not tone deaf on these issues."
Ford's CEO Alan Mulally towed a Ford Escape hybrid all the way to Washington to show how serious he was about getting Nancy Pelosi put $34 billion in his pocket.
"No sacrifice is too big for Ford," Mulally said. "All three of us plan to take one-dollar salaries, and we vow never to make a car or truck ever again."
However, Barney Frank, chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, still ripped Mulally a new one -- and offered to literally do so after the hearing, if Mulally would like -- saying that a one-dollar salary was "outrageous and obnoxiously wasteful."
Other changes the automakers promised included:
-- Including eight cinder blocks standard with any certified pre-owned American cars so that they may easily be stored in the front yard.
-- Renaming the Ford F-150 "F-82" in an effort to appear more green without actually doing anything.
-- Adding the word "coupe" to all models across all three brands, to make them seem more fuel-efficient. The F-82 will be included.
-- Aftermarket upgrades will simply be called "grades" so as not to give the impression of desirability.
After a three-hour closed-door figurative and literal spanking led by Frank, the CEOs returned to Detroit with $34 billion in one-dollar bills which they immediately pissed away on cigars, brandy and bitches.
