Picture: John McCain gets egg wiped off his face by his wife, Cindy.Posted: In that darned red state of Ohio
AMERICA, America -- Millions of Americans waited in line for hours and hours yesterday to sign a small corner of the biggest retirement card Sen. John McCain (R-Pipe Dream, Ariz.) will ever receive.
After a lengthy study, the Center for the Proliferation of Ridiculous Office Holiday Cards and Sentiments (CPROHCS) concluded that trying to pass one massive card around to the desks of everyone in America might take too long, particularly because the tech guys always forget to sign the cards and they wind up under a pile of Windows Vista machines awaiting security patches.
Consequently, county election officials across the country broke the McCain card into tens of millions of pieces and distributed the pieces to voting precincts around the United States.
Americans wrote in pithy jokes and less-than-sincere comments such as, "Hey John! I hear 72 is the new 71!" or "We will miss you!" or "Have a kick-ass summer! Stay sweet!" Even Barack Obama flew home to Chicago to sign the card. He wrote, "BFF! B.H.O. Yeah, I wrote the H. Suck it."
CPROHCS will then reassemble the card over the next 24 hours, punch a hole in the corner and tie it to a black mylar "Over The Hill" balloon purchased from Spencer Gifts. It will then be delivered with a Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake to one of John McCain's eight homes, and then one more each year for eight years until the card is finally split up and sold for charity with all proceeds going to the depraved and homeless children of Republican congressmen.
When asked for his reaction to the sentiment of the nation, McCain honked the horn on his cane with a rear-view mirror, gave a thumbs-up, said, "Thanks for the question, you little jerk," and then fell asleep.
In related news, some other guy was elected president.
