At left: Bernanke praying to the sweet lord Jesus that this will workPosted: After the appraisal on my daughter's big wheel
GOOD INTENTIONS ROAD, Hell -- After Sunday morning's announcement that the Treasury Department is going to bail out mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke applied online for a second mortgage on our children's future in order to pay for the bailout and new granite countertops for the Fed breakroom.
The loan from Countrywide Home Loans, the nation's largest and most irresponsible lender, will be written for $25,000,024,976.42: $25 billion for the bailout and $24,976.42 to be paid to remodel the break room at the Fed. Father & Son-In-Law Home Improvements, a remodeling contractor outside Washington, D.C., that specializes in luxury kitchens without the luxury prices, will do the work. Because of Bernanke's abismal FICO score of 574, he will be forced to pay a full seven percentage points more for the loan than the going rate, but he has vowed to worry about it later.
"Like Whitney Houston, I believe that children are our future," Bernanke said. "They're young and have more time to pay this stuff off. And though they won't have any actual equity to show for it, they will get something even more valuable; a little something I like to call 'sweat equity.'"
When asked about the wisdom of taking out a second mortgage at a time of tightening credit and plummeting house values, Bernanke defended his actions, citing his extensive due diligence efforts.
"Ever heard of a little thing called Lending Tree?" he asked. "Well, I received five different quotes from professional lenders within seconds. I can get a five-year, interest-only adjustable-rate loan and only pay $325 a month ... on $25 billion! There was something about a balloon payment but who doesn't like balloons? It's $325 a month! Thanks lendingtree.com! You saved our country -- and our breakroom."
"And if things get really bad," he added, "we still have our grandkids."
