Posted: On every office breakroom bulletin board in the countryWASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a creative effort to make the United States' multiple wars more efficient and less taxing on the American public, Pres. George W. Bush has proposed a series of round-robin wars to settle international conflicts.
"With all these countries, it's hard to keep track of who hates who because of whatever thingamajig happened a thousand years ago," Bush said at a Monday morning Rose Garden press conference. "So I figured if we did it like the Final Four and created a grid and put some money on the thing, we could get through this in an orderly fashion -- and finally get the American people behind it."
Bush outlined a few matchups he would like to see before he leaves office in January. They include:
- Israel vs. Hezbollah where the winner adopts the other's religion
- Canada vs. Mexico: winner finally gets bragging rights for being the most least-important important country to border the U.S.
- Because the president devised the plan -- and because this is the greatest country in the world, so love it or leave it -- the U.S. gets a bye in every round until the finals
Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace asked Bush how he came up with such a brilliant plan.
"I was on the shitter in the Oval Office bathroom, and this stuff just hits you," he said. "I thank the three-alarm chili I ate last night. Now watch this wipe."
"I was on the shitter in the Oval Office bathroom, and this stuff just hits you," he said. "I thank the three-alarm chili I ate last night. Now watch this wipe."
