Posted: On the lid of Oscar the Grouch's new recycling bin condoSESAME STREET -- The recent death of Kermit Love, creator of the bright yellow Big Bird costume, has left millions of children feeling angry and betrayed as they discover Big Bird was just a dude in a suit and that their parents have been lying to them about just about everything.
Riots broke out at elementary schools and day care centers around the country as the news began to spread last week. Not since the 1969 Tooth Fairy rumors sparked New York City's Stonewall riots has such widespread civil unrest occurred.
"The loss of innocence this news has caused has been absolutely devastating," reported Kermit the Frog -- who is real -- in a trench coat. "I've never seen a single event kill so much naivete."
Complicating matters even further, the Big Bird revelation now throws previous controversies over his drunken driving arrest and subsequent lawsuits into question.
After ruling out fair play in Love's death, investigators have arrested Maria, last name unknown, who ran the Fix It Shop with her husband, Luis, last name also unknown. Luis disappeared two years ago after allegations that the Fix It Shop doesn't really fix anything. Authorities would not say if there was a connection between that case and Love's death. Big Bird's attorney, Grover, has also gone into hiding.
Love's distraught widow, Courtney, wouldn't publicly comment about her husband's sudden death at 91, ignoring reporters when questioned as she exited her car at a Los Angeles Rowlf's grocery store.
"F is for 'f**k you,'" she said.
