Pictured at left: The Pentagon's new environmentally friendly nuke with an organic shiitake mushroom cloud that looks good enough to eat!Posted: In the WMD section at Whole Foods
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. military has announced an initiative to use more environmentally friendly weapons in times of war. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates called the initiative "a necessary step in the war against global warming and terrorists."
Some of the weapons include organic mustard gas, Agent Orange with real orange peel that naturally cleans as it kills, grenades made from recycled milk jugs, bunker-buster bombs loaded with seeds and Miracle-Gro so that after a bunker explodes and kills the f**k out of any living organism within 2 square miles, the dirt seeds itself and a beautiful red, white and blue wildflower mix grows in its place.
"We are also trying to make weapons that are seasonal, organic and local," said Gates. "Though Iran has offered to assist in this effort by making their IEDs in factories right next door to Iraq, we have declined because they are not organic, despite being local."
After employing Iraqis to make bullets using fair-trade, single-estate gun powder, Americans then shoot those Iraqis using the same bullets. In a word: recycling.
"We will save approximately 700 tons of carbon per day by shooting Iraqis with locally made bullets," Gates added.
He also has future plans to employ Russians in making "green" nukes. Through its actions, the military has also promised to create homegrown terrorists in the next few years, though their yields tend to be radical and unpredictable, despite also being local.
