Posted: Next to the only Big Mac available in the United StatesMcDONALDLAND -- McDonald's restaurants are pulling all tomatoes from their sandwiches because of a salmonella scare that has affected the entire tomato industry. Out of an abundance of C-Y-A, however, McDonald's will pull several other ingredients.
The list includes all-beef patties (botulism outbreak); Special Sauce (nobody knows what the f*** it's made of outbreak); lettuce (E. coli outbreak) and cheese (papillomatosis outbreak; also known as "cheese disease").
"We are committed to the safety of our patrons," said Randy Stine, Assistant Associate Executive Safety Officer for the Golden Arches, "even if they just sit in our restaurants and stare at the wall, which most of them do."
Though they claim the rest of their food is safe, a local McDonald's gave this reporter second- and third-degree burns from the way-too-hot coffee and f***ing scorching fruit pies made of apple magma.
McDonald's famous song for the Big Mac has also been repenned to reflect the change: "Two all-hmmm patties, special hmmmm, hhhmm-hmmm, hmmmm; hmm-hmmmm, hmm-hmmmm on a sesame-seed hmmm."
