A Free-Ass. ExposéGENOA CITY, Wis. -- After a stunning months-long investigation that entailed extensive speculation and TV watching at the gym during lunch, FAP has discovered that John and Cindy McCain are not actually married. In fact, Cindy McCain isn't even real.
"Cindy" is just another elaborate scheme concocted by Genoa City socialite and troublemaker Gloria Bardwell. The only thing she craves more than money is power -- according to court records from the twice-widowed gold-digger's divorce from third husband Jeffrey Bardwell, the surviving twin of District Attorney William Bardwell, her second husband who died of a stroke late last year before he could uncover a murder plot involving Gloria and some tainted Jabot face cream -- and Sen. McCain has it in spades.
Gloria's son and lawyer, Michael Baldwin, has advised her that pretending to be a presidential candidate's wife is not a very good idea and will only get her into trouble, especially considering poll numbers showing Sen. Barack Obama with a significant lead over McCain.
"Are you crazy?" he asked, in his hysterical half-whisper. "I can't leave you alone for five minutes. Does [my half-brother] Kevin know about this?"
"No, and I don't care," she said. "I love John McCain, and there isn't a damn thing that you, Jeffrey Bardwell or Jack Abbott can do about it."
Gloria then dramatically exited the room, sensually putting on her elbow-length, leopard-print gloves as her son stared at the door for at least five seconds before the show went to commercial. To cool her heels while CBS aired an ad for the Mr. Clean® Magic Eraser® With Febreze® Fresh Scent, Gloria ate lunch at the Genoa City Athletic Club, the only restaurant in the entire city. It was there that she ran into the other senator in her life: Jack Abbott.
"Well, hello Gloria," he said with his signature cocky smirk as he worked through a handful of cocktail peanuts. "Or should I say, 'Cindy'? How's the presidential race treating you?" Before she could answer, Newman patriarch and billionaire business tycoon Victor Newman appeared at the back of the room.
"You've been damn fooling people all these years, Jack Abbott," he screamed for no apparent reason. "Did you put her up to this? Don't forget: I've derailed your state senate ambitions, and I'll sink John McCain too. You got that?"
