Posted: 50 yards from a South Dakota voting precinctWASHINGTON, D.C. -- Taking a cue from the George Bush playbook -- the pop-up version, with pictures -- Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign announced at a rally today in Yankton, S.D., that the New York senator is now the official Democratic presidential nominee and that she will launch a pre-emptive general election at "a time and place of my choosing."
"We cannot afford to wait any longer for the American people to cast their ballots," Clinton said to a group of supporters at the Yankton High School gym. "If my opponent won't declare victory, what else will he neglect to do as president? My ambition can't afford to find out the answer to that question."
Dozens of angry, middle-aged, braless women cheered Clinton on while carrying torches and threatening to burn any male within 50 yards, except former Pres. Bill Clinton, who they inexplicably still adore, despite his possessing every quality that strong women find completely offensive and contrary to their feminist sensibilities. Though she does not have -- and will never have -- enough delegates to officially win the nomination, Clinton remained steadfastly oblivious.
"We are going to bring peace and democratic democracy to America," she continued. "The American public will greet us as liberators -- women's liberators!"
Sen. Barack Obama had no comment, but did pull out a note pad with a short list labeled "Barack's VPs?" and crossed one name off.
Clinton capped off her "Beginning of the End of the Beginning of the Campaign" campaign kickoff rally by driving an M1 Abrams battle tank across the Yankton town square and pulling down a 20-foot-high bronze statue of Obama.
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