Posted: Next to my iced soy half-caf mocha no whip no foamThe J.M. Smucker Company, which, with a name like Smuckers, just has to be made fun of, announced last week that it agreed to buy the Folgers coffee brand from Procter & Gamble for $2.95 billion in stock.
The hostile takeover was a surprise to Folgers executives, who only found out about the sale after an English gentleman told them that he had secretly replaced the fine Procter & Gamble stock they usually hold with J.M. Smucker's stock.
"Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!" he added.
Smucker will also assume $350 million of Folgers debt, which was incurred when Procter & Gamble executives expensed more than 7 million cups of Venti-sized Starbucks lattes over three years in an attempt to come up with a non-shitty alternative recipe for Folgers.
"We Proctor and Gambled and lost," said Karen Walsh, Folgers' chief concept officer. "What we found in our research was that our coffee f***ing blows and I mean, it blows hard. Have you tried this stuff? Seriously, like vomit in a cup, whisk in some caffeinated dog diarrhea and drink it. That's what it tastes like. I can't believe we sell this sh*t."
Analysts said the deal comes as no surprise. However, to sweeten the deal, Smucker's shareholders will also receive a one-time special dividend of 14 packets of Equal and a Garfield mug that says, "I Don't Do Mornings."
"No amount of Equal can offset that taste," Walsh added. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
