Posted: November 5th, 1955!As a public service to its readers, the Free-Ass. editorial board has reviewed three of this summer's most semi-anticipated movies. Because this is a shoestring operation, we don't have the eight bucks to buy three movie tickets, so we just (p)reviewed them based on the limited, incredibly biased and likely wrong information we've been able to gather based on our preconceived and totally arbitrary notion of what makes a movie "good."
The Incredible Hulk
Warning! This article contains spoilers.
Guess what? It's the same f***ing ridiculous Hulk story from the last movie and the TV show before that and the comic book before that, except that it's not directed by Ang Lee, so there's no artistic misunderstood Hulk angst and it's not on TV in the '70s so there's not that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. "Courtship of Eddie's Father" feel, although Lou Ferrigno will likely make a cameo with Stan Lee. It's 90 action-packed minutes of toy-marketing destruction with a PG-13 rating to make it seem edgy to 11-year-olds. Plan for a no-story, oddly Edward Norton revival with a pseudo-"Fight-Club-on-green-steroids" feel and a Hulk so obnoxiously muscular, it will make that superhero-drawing kid in high school jealous. We give it two big green Free-Ass. thumbs down and predict it will rake in the rough equivalent of our national debt on opening night. God bless America.
You Don't Mess with the Zohan
We like when a preview verifies our instincts about a movie so we don't waste two hours of our lives sitting through it. Zohan looks like an uncomfortable Israeli-themed comedy with an over-the-top Adam Sandler (sorry for the redundancy) performance as an AK-47-toting hairdresser. It's "Zoolander" with a hilarious twist on the Middle East conflict -- which isn't hilarious, by the way. You will leave the theater apologizing to your Jewish friends and wondering why you've never met a Palestinian. John Turturro covered the whole concept of the nondescript, ethnic character 10 years ago when he said, "Nobody f**ks with the Jesus." He was right. So are we. Don't mess with the Zohan.
Wall-E
Rent "Finding Nemo." Pretend all the fish are robots.
Have a four-and-a-half star Free-Ass. weekend!
