Big Bird Arrested For DUI

Posted: 1 + 3 is 4 minutes ago

SESAME STREET -- Well-known actor and bird, Big Bird, full name Sol Birdstein, was arrested for driving under the influence at 3:38 a.m. this morning at the corner of Sesame Street and Steampipe Alley, just blocks from The Electric Company. Birdstein was arrested after pulling his 2008 Mercedes SL65 convertible up to an unmarked police cruiser and allegedly asking plainclothes officer Mike Thoeming, "Can you tell me how to get [hiccup], how to get to Sesame Street?"

"The large fowl was headed southbound on Sesame," Thoeming said. "He was driving erratically with his head stuck out 4 feet above the vehicle and littering yellow feathers everywhere. He was singing about wanting some chick to lay an egg on his face when he impacted a metal garbage can at a high rate of speed."

Ambulances were on the scene within minutes. Eyewitnesses said they heard Birdstein yelling as he was being taken into custody, "Get your f*ckin' hands off me! Do you know who I am, you c**k-sucking motherf*cker? I'll eat you for dinner then feed you to my children!"

Later, at the police station, Birdstein allegedly threatened officers trying to fingerprint his giant foam feet.

"What'd I do, you racist f*ck? You're just arresting me because I'm yellow!" Birdstein's agent and business manager, The Count, commented on the tragic accident.

"One! One DUI! Ah ah ah!"

Two others suffered minor injuries in the accident. A green, furry, angry thing and a chef carrying 12 blueberry pies were both taken to Sesame General for observation.