Flee-Ass. Pless Hacked!

 

Posted: After being rerouted through the State Department, Treasury, White House and Pentagon Web sites


ATLARMEL, Georgiana -- Flee-Ass. Pless, the puppet mouthpiece Web site of the imperialist pig American aggressor, was hacked yesterday using a brilliant denial of service attack perpetrated by foreign-based software engineers who used their superior intellect and juche -- the flawless Korean philosophy of self-reliance -- to successfully make a mockery of the Western paper tiger that finds itself flailing limply in its final, putrid days.

The beautiful, highly choreographed attack occurred over the American "Independence Day" holiday weekend when fat Americans eat hot dogs and light each other on fire to celebrate their "freedom."

"We were foolhardy in our attempt to contemplate what would have been a futile and unsuccessful military attack on the beautiful and culturally rich Democratic People's Republic of Korea," President Obama said in a statement e-mailed to the Flee-Ass. Pless on the same night as the hacking.

"Kim Jong-Il is very tall and handsome and didn't have a stroke," he added.

Michael Jackson Funeral Recap

Posted: From the Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays memorial ceremony down the street at the slightly smaller Wiltern Theatre. Opening act: Tito.

HOLLYWEIRD -- Fans, friends and family alike gathered for Michael Jackson's funeral yesterday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Although FAP was not able to obtain tickets to the event, as a service to our readers, we have put together the following recap of the event from what we heard happened from a guy on the bus who was near the Staples Center and from the sh*tty feed on tmz.com while we were supposed to be working.

Seen at the ceremony:

* A star-studded turnout with Michael Jackson's closest friends and A-listers -- like some chubby kid from "Britain's Got Talent," Usher "Here's Your Papers, Baby, Now Get the Hell Out!" Raymond and John "I Make Gross Sex Faces When I Solo" Mayer. Also in attendance was the Rev. Al Sharpton who stopped in to speak before running off to find more TV cameras to stand in front of. He was later caught grinding with a tripod.

* A 10-minute pill retrospective narrated by the boyishly good-looking Dr. Sanjay Gupta

* Multiple shots of the family whispering about why the event wasn't organized by the family and what the f**k was going on, and what are all these Nation of Islam guys doing here?

* L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa constantly refreshing the screen on the city's PayPal account to see if there was enough money to continue with the ceremony.

Overheard at the ceremony:

* Sharpton to Jackson's kids: "There was nothing strange about your father. There was only strange he had to deal with. That strange he had to deal with was that our society just HAS to insist that grown men not ply tweens with wine in a Coke can and VHS copies of 'Fantasia.'"

*Kobe Bryant said that before a big game, he "beats it" to Michael's sister Janet's 2004 Super Bowl halftime show wardrobe malfunction.

*Michael Jackson's "This Is It" concert organizer said that he wants people to celebrate Jackson's life. "People should celebrate it by buying a pre-sale copy of our 100 hours of documentary footage from the 'This Is It' concert now available exclusively at Wal-Mart and iTunes. We have a lot of bills to pay people. A lot of bills. Seems we misplaced that $90 million we made from ticket presales."

* A "closing argument" by Jackson attorney Tom Mesereau, who argued that Jackson is not a pedophile because he is technically not living and/or touching someone.

Source: Powerful Sedative Found in Sarah Palin's Resignation Speech

Posted: In the unstable aisle, right above the crazy

WE'LLSUEYA, Alaska -- The Free-Ass. Press has learned that investigators reviewing transcripts of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's July 3 resignation speech say it contained a powerful sedative laced with crazy that quickly put her political career into cardiac arrest. It died three minutes later.

A former high-level staffer for the McCain-Palin presidential campaign tells FAP that Palin called her the night before she resigned, frantically begging her to administer help injecting Palin's speech with better language.

"She told me she was staring at a blank Word document. All she had was a headline: 'This Is It.' She begged me to come over and help her write a lucid, calm explanation for her erratic and politically immature decision to resign," the staffer said. "I refused."

Alaska's Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell released a never-before-seen video of Gov. Palin just two days before her career died. In the video, she is shown making logical arguments and doing the business of governing while wearing black slacks, white socks and a sequined glove on her left hand.

In an equally crazy statement, Palin, through her attorney, Thomas Van Flunterschluffenhausenberger, warned the Internet that she will sue it if the stories questioning her "slutty flight attendant" clothing choices continue.

"This is America, and we have freedom from speech here," Palin said. "You can't just go around reporting things that I've said and done and not expect legal consequences."

"Especially when they're true and embarrassing," she added. 

Palin's career will be buried in an unmarked grave, soon to be forgotten but honored each year with a spot on "America's Funniest Home Videos" right after the montage of guys getting whacked in the balls.

Al Franken Sworn In; Dems Declare Independence From GOP

Members of the GOP gather to discuss the most recent episode of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight"

Posted: On Newt Gingrich's lapel

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an overly zealous, self-lefteous display of pompousness, Al Franken was sworn in as the 60th vote in the Democratic Senate caucus. To commemorate the event, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi unveiled an all-new Declaration of Independence from Republicans, who are now officially irrelevant.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident," Pelosi said through her brow-lifted permasmile. "That Democrats have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of filibuster-proof majorities."

"Did I just say 'right to life?'" she asked. "I meant the right to choose a safe, legal and available option for terminating my liberal, San Francisco pregnancy, should I suddenly reverse my menopause and find a male willing to actually do it with me."

Also included in today's announcement was a declaration of independence from "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford's forbidden, tragic love affairs and any more celebrity deaths.

Happy 4th of July everybody!!!

Norm Coleman Announces 'This Is It' Tour

Posted: On the door of Al Franken's Senate office

BOY RIVER, Minn. -- Former Minnesota Republican Senator Norm Coleman graciously conceded his Senate race to Al Franken today just eight months, two recounts, a lawsuit, three appeals and three losses later. However, his concession was merely a prelude to his big announcement.

He stood in front of a podium with a sign hanging on it that simply read, "KING OF GOP; NORM COLEMAN; THIS IS IT." Coleman plans to fill the hole of shows in London left by the untimely death of Michael Jackson.

"This is it. This is the final curtain call," Coleman said. "Unless the U.S. Supreme Court decides to hear my case, which may take a while because I'm waiting for this Sotomayor thing to work itself out."

The 50-show run will feature an all-star Republican cast with heavyweights like John McCain singing "The Doggone Pinko Won," or South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford singing, "Maria Belen Chapur (Is Not My Lover)," and all-time crowd favorite, "N.Y.T."

Former Rep. Mark Foley and former Sen. Larry Craig will sing the Jackson-Paul McCartney classic duet, "Gay Gay Gay."

After the press conference, Coleman showed his loving support for his party by covering Dick Cheney with a towel and dangling him over a balcony.

Billy Mays Lobbies Obama for Secretary of State

Editor's Note: Wow, it sure seems trendy to die this week. If that's the case, we've got our fingers crossed for Paris Hilton next week. In any event, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored was moved by the passing of several extremely talented people. 

We were also sad to learn Ed McMahon died. 

Among the most shocking of this week's four celebrity deaths was that of Billy Mays. If a person could look like a city, he looked like Pittsburgh -- or a grizzly bear gay porn actor. Either way, Billy was interesting. Here is a story we ran last Nov. 10, just after the election. RIP, Billy.

Posted: Every two minutes, on every channel, for every product imaginable

DUNEDIN, Fla. -- TV pitchman Billy Mays, known just as much for his obviously dyed hair and beard as for his voice that has irritated millions into buying his useless products, has begun lobbying President-Elect Barack Obama for a position in his cabinet -- and for a position for his wireless LED light underneath the cabinet in the White House kitchen.

Mays, a pitch man for everything from home cleaning products to health insurance -- yes, health insurance! -- says he is the perfect man to pitch Obama's agenda to the rest of the world, including Americans here at home.

"Hi, Billy Mays here for Billy Mays, the incredible potential Secretary of State in a new Democratic administration!" he screamed in a YouTube video e-mailed to the Illinois senator's transition team. "Get troops out of Iraq with just a dab of leadership!" Mays shouted. "And if you call now, we'll send extra troops to Afghanistan!"

Obama phoned Mays at 1-800-221-8000 and thanked him for the generous offer of service, but gently reminded him that the era of loud, one-way negotiation, forcing things on people that they don't want, is finally over. Obama then bought 12 LED lights.

MJ Death Headlines You'll Read Here First

Posted: On the bottom of Bubbles' cage

CREEPY CARNIVAL-LIKE BACKYARD COMPOUND -- As a public service to our readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored -- which has found this story to be so important that it has convened an in-person meeting of its Atlanta and Indianapolis bureaus -- has decided to publish every possible headline that hack journalists/"entertainment" reporters/"Free-Ass. Press wannabes" might come up with to "creatively" announce pop superstar Michael Jackson's death.

We hereby declare the following list of headlines officially off limits. We're looking in your direction, TMZ. Read the time stamp, bitches.

MJ Attends Thriller Zombie Reunion
Islam to MJ: No Thanks
MJ Sidewalk Goes Dark
MJ, Burnt Hair Reunited
MJ Beats It
MJ:  The Doggone Guy is Dead
MJ Puts on Heart-Stopping Performance
MJ Cardiac Arrested
MJ Charged With Angel Molestation
MJ Meets the Man in the Mirror
Michael, Bubbles Reunite
Elephant Man Estate Buys MJ Bones
Jackson 4 to Hold Auditions
Jackson Dies; White Glove Lonely
MJ From Hell: Gary, Indiana Still Worse
MJ Buried Holding Crotch
Linguistics Scholars Devastated: ’Mama Say Mama Saw Ma Mafusah’ Never to be Defined
MJ Goes To Never-Neverland Ranch in Sky
Jackson Gotta Be Finishin’ Somethin’
Elephant Man Punches MJ In The Face
"Weird" Al Pretends to Have a Heart Attack
Demerol Is Not My Lover
Tito to Assume 'King of Pop' Duties Until Replacement Can Be Found
Sequin Futures Take Huge Hit In Market
FCC Fines Jackson for Heart Malfunction
MJ Won’t Be There
Bubbles Vindicated
We Are Not the World
MJ Joins Macauley Culkin’s Career
OJ Simpson Cleared of Suspicion in MJ Death; Was Killing Someone Else at the Time
Fuhrman Planted Bloody, Sequined White Glove at MJ Death Scene
Everyone Named Mike Jackson Breathes a Huge Sigh of Relief
Farrah Fawcett: 'What Am I, Chopped Liver?'
Steve Jobs: 'No, I Am'