Doping: Beijing's Newest Exhibition Sport

Posted: Whoa ... elephants

BEIJING -- The Summer Games' newest exhibition sport, doping, has hit a snag. According to a senior International Olympic Committee official, all but one of the participants in the opening round tested positive for doping and have consequently been banned for life.

Chinese doper Xung He, who turned 16 on Jan. 1 of this year -- as did every athlete on China's roster, interestingly -- tested "super #1 negative" for doping, advancing him/her to the gold medal podium.

"It's a shame to see the integrity of the sport ruined by athletes trying to cheat," said IOC President Jacques Rogge. "That's not the spirit of the Olympics. We want clean doping at these Games."

In what would have been an injection relay from human growth hormone to heroine to prescription cold medicine strung out over three days, the U.S. team had its eyes on sweeping the medals. Disqualified American medal hopefuls included Seth Rogen, Lindsay Lohan and some pathetic, self-centered junkie from that A&E show, "Intervention."

All-star British doping heavyweight Amy Winehouse, however, remained vigilant in her quest for doping excellence, refusing to go to rehab.

"She doesn't have the time," explained her father and coach, Mitchell Winehouse. "Plus, I think she's fine."

Olympics Receive Low Ratings; NBC Replaces with 24-Hour 'Deal or No Deal' Coverage

Posted: Right after another f***ing commercial

HOLLYWEIRD -- NBC Universal has stepped back from its commitment to broadcast the Beijing Olympics on 10 outlets -- NBC affiliates, CNBC, MSNBC, USA Network, Universal HD, Oxygen, Telemundo, specialty basketball and soccer channels and the Internet 24 hours a day. Due to low ratings, NBC made a mid-games replacement and are now broadcasting round-the-clock continuous coverage of "Deal or No Deal."

In an effort to save money, however, they have pared back the number of channels showing coverage from 10 to eight.

"It just makes sense," said host Howie Mandel. "People would much rather see a hot girl open a briefcase -- right after this commercial."

Wait for it.

"We're back -- than a young hopeful American gymnast who has trained her whole life trying to win a medal in international competition." NBC Universal President and CEO Jeff Zucker agreed.

"When Shawn Johnson nails a vault, there's no call from the banker on the light-up phone," he said. "There's no suspense. There's no risk. Just little girls running around in pansy-ass spandex and glitter make-up. It's really sad. That's not reality. 'Deal or No Deal,' that's reality."

The banker had no comment, but did offer us $200 not to run this story. No deal!

American Confederacy Reconstitutes to Defend Georgia

BREAKING FREE-ASS. NEWS!

Pictured at right: Bill Clinton defending himself against critics who say he is not black enough or racist enough to lead the confederacy.

Posted: Like a few days ago, but the Olympics were on and Michael Phelps was winning and George Bush and Vladimir Putin sat next to each other, so it didn't seem like a big deal at the time but now it is kinda, so here you go

ATLANTA -- Upon hearing the news of Russia invading Georgia, a former red state, numerous other southern U.S. red states have reconstituted the confederacy to defend Georgia from Russia.

"We're not about to let those commie democrats turn us blue," said Alabama Gov. Bob Riley. "The fox is in the henhouse, Betty. Get my shotgun!"

Taking matters into its own hands, the newly reformed confederacy of southern states chose its first president, self-hating African-American Bill Clinton.

He's the first former first black president of these United States to become the first black president of the new, much-smaller, confederate United States.

"We wanted to reach across the aisle on this one," said Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, no relation to the chicken guy. "We wanted to show that we are a new progressive confederacy that could choose someone who is both racist against blacks and black. Clarence Thomas said no, so we went with Bubba."

The confederacy has concentrated its troops on the three areas of Georgia most likely to be Russian targets: Six Flags Over Georgia, the World of Coca-Cola museum and Lake Lanier Trailer Heaven.

When asked to comment on Russia's dominance over Georgia, Republican presidential nominee John McCain said, "I don't follow the Olympics."

Women's Gymnastics Competition Ends in Bench-Clearing Brawl

After suffering a debilitating head injury when U.S. team captain Alicia Sacramone triple-spin-kicked her last Friday night at the women's gymnastics finals, this Chinese gymnast had no comment.

Posted: In the artistic Olympic chalk bin

BEIJING -- The bitter rivalry between the U.S. and China women's gymnastics teams boiled over at the team finals last Friday night when a bench-clearing brawl broke out.

Competition was suspended indefinitely after U.S. gymnast Shawn Johnson, 6, laughed and called China team captain Cheng Fei, 8, a "Leo-Tard" when Cheng tipped her hand in the wrong direction after a tumbling run on the floor exercise, costing her a career-ending .00001-point deduction.

After finishing the exercise, Cheng threw chalk in Johnson's face -- and the fight was on like a preteen ninja chick movie. Spins, flips and other martial arts-inspired artistic attacks flew back and forth as judges quickly revamped their system to score the bloody yet beautiful fight.

"That bitch jacked my dismount!" screamed U.S. star Nastia Liukin, 7-and-a-half, before unleashing a triple-layout spin kick right into Li Shanshan's face, scoring 14.9 points with a 5.6 difficulty, a surprisingly low score for the difficulty level of that kind of attack.

Citing the gymnasts' immaturity, the International Olympic Committee has now mandated that in future Olympics, all gymnasts must pretend to be at least nine years old in order to compete.

Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins Wins Mall-Walking Gold

Posted: On the dirt side of the mall that has the Deb and Hallmark stores

ANYWHERE -- In an unprecedented come-from-behind win, 83-year-old Mildred Pearl Mabel Higgins erased a two-teen-clothing-store lead by elderly Kenyan mall-walker Dube Djinidjindjr in the final stretch of the race past Macy's and ending at the non-functional carousel and Mickey Mouse balloon vender.

"I knew Dube was in the market for one of those new cell phones," Higgins said. "And Sprint was having a deal in their cell phone island that he couldn't pass up."

"Those coloreds and their cell phones," she added.

Higgins trailed for most of the race, falling behind mostly through the treacherous Discovery Store/K.B. Toys straits.

"I kept thinking that my grandkids would like that remote-control barking dog," she explained.

"Those old white ladies and their stupid grandkids," Djinidjindjr added.

However, in a streak of brilliance, Higgins made her move between the abercrombie -- the kids' store not to be confused with Abercrombie & Fitch -- and Wetzel's Pretzels, getting a much-needed block from an overweight woman beating her six kids while waiting for a free pretzel sample.

"It slowed him down just enough for the young Sprint man to ask, 'Excuse me, sir? Do you have a minute so that I can tell you how you can save $100 on a new iPhone-like Samsung Instinct?'"

Marathon Runners Hit the Great Wall; Must Run Around

Posted: So it can be seen from space

BO HAI, China -- China, perhaps best known for its ancient proverbs and awe-inspiring Great Wall, brought the two together yesterday in a stunning way. During mile 21 of the Olympic marathon, several runners hit the Wall -- literally -- forcing them to find an alternate route around the Great Wall, which added 2,380 kilometers through outer Mongolia to the normally 26.2-mile endurance run.

"The course just stopped," said Kenyan marathoner Martin Lel, the only runner to finish the new longer race -- and still well within qualifying times for a normal marathon, at 2:05:15.

Many Western runners cried foul over the marathon's flawed route, accusing the Chinese government of stonewalling because its countrymen aren't competitive in one of the summer Games' oldest and most prestigious events. Chinese officials countered that the route was not flawed at all.

"Americans just don't understand the metric system," said Liu Peng, China's sports minister. "2,380 kilometers equals 26.2 U.S. miles. It's not our fault that runners from 'The World's Only Remaining Superpower' couldn't figure out the conversion."

When Martin Lel was asked how he accomplished the task, he said, "Kenyans always carry a Trapper Keeper with a conversion table. Always."

Chinese Commuter Wins Cycling Gold ... With Family On Board

Posted: Live! As it happens! With a 17-hour time delay! And censoring!

FUXIN, China -- Sixty-seven-year-old Ran Kuo Hui has made both his country and his family proud by bringing home a gold medal in the 152-mile Olympic road race. His family was on hand and on board to cheer him on as he and they crossed the finish line.

Ran, a butcher, normally commutes by bike every morning from his home in Fuxin in northeast China to Fuzhou in southeast China -- a nearly 2,000-mile trip -- so the 152-mile road race was a breeze. Accompanying him on the bike were his wife, grandmother, three children, and seven grandchildren.

"I even slept for part of the time," he said through a translator, with a wide smile that showed off his three pearly yellows.

Ran has owned the bike since 1943, when he purchased it from a rival butcher for three plump chickens.

"He made it look easy," said Samuel Sanchez of Spain, who came in a close second to Ran, at 6:23:56. "This pollution hanging over the capital makes it extremely difficult to get your breathing rhythm down." When asked how he managed to find the lung capacity to carry his 12-member family 152 miles through Beijing's rolling hills, Ran laughed.

"Before becoming a butcher, I was an asbestos sprayer in a coal mine for 38 years and had a second job bleaching floors in a benzene factory," he said. "Compared to that, this is the air of the gods."