Posted: Whoa ... elephantsBEIJING -- The Summer Games' newest exhibition sport, doping, has hit a snag. According to a senior International Olympic Committee official, all but one of the participants in the opening round tested positive for doping and have consequently been banned for life.
Chinese doper Xung He, who turned 16 on Jan. 1 of this year -- as did every athlete on China's roster, interestingly -- tested "super #1 negative" for doping, advancing him/her to the gold medal podium.
"It's a shame to see the integrity of the sport ruined by athletes trying to cheat," said IOC President Jacques Rogge. "That's not the spirit of the Olympics. We want clean doping at these Games."
In what would have been an injection relay from human growth hormone to heroine to prescription cold medicine strung out over three days, the U.S. team had its eyes on sweeping the medals. Disqualified American medal hopefuls included Seth Rogen, Lindsay Lohan and some pathetic, self-centered junkie from that A&E show, "Intervention."
All-star British doping heavyweight Amy Winehouse, however, remained vigilant in her quest for doping excellence, refusing to go to rehab.
"She doesn't have the time," explained her father and coach, Mitchell Winehouse. "Plus, I think she's fine."





