Free-Ass. Press Is On Assignment!

Posted: By someone else.

Free-Ass., PRESS -- The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored would like to clarify ongoing rumors that it itself started several weeks ago about an ongoing situation going on right now at FAP (ongoing). Our avid readers will notice that there have been a number of days lately where we have chosen not to post our award-wanting news articles to our site. Currently, Chris is sitting in for Dave who is on assignment. Dave, however, was actually sitting in for Chris who is on assignment when he went on assignment. Amid all this confusion, no one has taken the reins. As soon as we are able to determine who is or is not on assignment, we will resume posting new stories. Until such time, please browse our obnoxiously long list of keywords and enjoy some of the more than 375 past articles posted before Chris and Dave took their assignments. To avoid this problem of sitting in while people are on assignment, we will implement assigned seating when we return. I call no bitch.

Toyoda President to Congress: "I Swear, It's Not My Company!"

Posted: In Row 4, Seat 16

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In another round of political theater, Act II, Scene 3, House Congressional leaders hauled Toyota President Akio Toyoda up to Capitol Hill today to testify on the automaker's massive 7.6 million-car recall.

"I don't know what you are talking about," Toyoda said through a translator, which our newsgathering partner, Flee-Ass. Pless, translated again. "Toyota is spelled with 't' at the end. My name has a 'd.' You have the wrong president, bitches."

FAP fact-checkers walked out to the parking lot over lunch and confirmed that the Toyota car company name is spelled with a "t" at the end, however Toyoda's use of the word "bitches" may be a translation error. After much research, including a Google search on the word "giraffe," FAP concluded that Akio Toyoda is president of Toyoda Motor Cars, a mediocre Japanese knock-off brand that is made in China and features Hello Kitty seat covers. The Toyoda Cienna minivan comes with a COBY brand DVD entertainment system.

"I am deeply sorry for any accidents that Toyota drivers have experienced," Toyoda said. "I am also deeply grateful those accidents did not happen in Toyoda cars. Maybe this should be a good lesson to Americans to start taking the bus -- bitches."

"Toyoda, out!" he added, before bowing and running out of the hearing room.

Top Facebook Status Updates We've Seen ... LOL!

Posted: 34 minutes ago

INTERNETLAND, U.S.A. -- As a service to its readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored has compiled a list of the best status updates we have seen recently on Facebook. Don't you wish your friends were this interesting? Repost this as your status update right now, or you hate puppies and love Nickelback!

Jan Voorstaad ... joined the group, "I bet we can find 1,000,000 People who Support Same Sex Divorce."

Mitch Harrison ... cannot find giraffe porn ANYWHERE!!!

Ryan Soleil ... needs to clean up a LOT of blood (human? maybe ... LOL!) but can't afford to replace the carpet at my uncle's winter cabin. Totally not murder. Ideas?

Dale Rothstein ... is looking for recommendations for a good rectum bleacher. My last guy sucked (ass)!

Vanessa Richwine ... is thinking about telling her dog that he's adopted. Anyone else deal with this?

Emily Webster ... believes that if you are one of the 92% of people who doesn't repost this as your status update, then you love cancer.

Natalie Porter ... thinks Bret Michaels is SOOOOOOO hot. And that thick, beautiful hair! Yummy.

Mike Butchcock ... is leaving for jihad Friday. Hit me up! We're going to Houlihan's Friday night for my going-away party.

Figure Skating Cross Debuts At Olympics

Posted: At 7.5 but the high and low score were thrown out.
VANCOUVER, B.C. -- In an attempt to make the Olympics even more exciting than they already are -- seriously, they're awesome; you're just weird -- the International Olympic Committee (IOC) last night debuted their newest sport, figure skating cross.

"It's all the art of figure skating, all the speed of speed skating and all the fighting of hockey," said IOC President Jacques Roggggggge. "Ever seen someone try to land a triple salchow before they get plowed over by seven angry 15-year-old girls in sequins, spandex and glitter make-up? You will in Vancouver."

"Cross" sports combine things such as snowboard racing with a snow-covered construction site to add excitement. Other "cross" possibilities the IOC considered included:

- Curling cross where athletes throw 20-pound stones at each other and then competitively sweep ice chips with delicate brooms;
- Hockey cross where the game is dropped completely and teams just brawl for three periods; and
- Dick Cheney cross where athletes must ski their country off a cliff and shoot their best friend in the face for accuracy.

Roggggggge seemed optimistic about the debut and hoped for a big ratings boost for NBC. NBC programming chief Jeff Zucker laughed when told what Roggggggge said.

"Silly Europeans," he said. "This is NBC. We don't do the whole 'ratings' thing. Stay tuned for late night cross, where we pit a very funny Conan O'Brien against a very chinworthy adversary who isn't funny but has a fake everyman quality that makes the sheep -- I mean people -- root for him. It's going to be great."

Slower Luge Track Still Thrills Olympic Fans Young and Old

"Look, Ma! No hands!" The luge scene's newest media darlings, Timmy and Suzie Jenkins.

 
Posted: At Rotary Hill right behind the Riverwalk

LUGE TRACK, British Columbia -- A new crop of competitors and safety measures has helped the luge community and Olympic fans put last Friday's tragic death of 21-year-old Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili behind them.

Officials took the unprecedented step of actually slowing the track speed by altering the course. The first riders declared the new course a great success.

The latest leader and now favorite to bring home Olympic gold for the U.S. team clocked in a new world record slowest time of 8 mph. Timmy Jenkins of Lincoln, Neb., rode a custom decorated garbage can lid to a blistering 3:25:03 practice time, shattering the previous world record of set by his sister Suzie just five minutes earlier.

When Bob Costas asked Jenkins to review his technique, he simply said, "That was neat-o! Again! Again! Again!"

Pressed further, he added, "Is that fireplace behind you real? Cool!"

Other safety additions to the luge course include a minivan full of moms yelling at the competitors to "slow down" and "don't hit your sister." As well, Olympians are no longer permitted to luge on the same sled as their big fat, slovenly father.

John Edwards Kills Puppy, Steals Parking Spot from Old Lady

John Edwards tells an audience what he really thinks of his wife

Posted: In the "stories-that-write-themselves" section

EITHER NORTH OR SOUTH, Carolina -- After running out of shockingly awful things he can publicly do to make his soon-to-be-ex-wife and the entire country hate him, former North Carolina Senator and 2004 Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards went on a spree of bad deeds yesterday by strangling a puppy while simultaneously swerving in front of an old lady in a Cadillac trying to turn into a primo parking spot at a local mall.

"Much obliged, BITCH!" Edwards said in his gentlemanly Southern accent as he extended a middle finger out the driver's door window of his $160,000 BMW 760Li sedan.

Edwards made headlines earlier this week when the National Enquirer revealed that he had proposed to his mistress and purchased a $4.5 million house for her after separating from his terminally ill wife back in December. Edwards, in an exclusive interview with the Free-Ass. Press, said that people have misunderstood his actions.

"I'm just doing my part for cancer awareness," he said, as this reporter tried to decipher whether he was smirking or that's just how he looks. "Every time my family is in the headlines, cancer is in the headlines. I like to think I'm helping bring us closer to a cure."

Even singer John Mayer, who yesterday called his penis a "white supremacist" because he's not attracted to black women, distanced himself from the Edwards affair.

"I'm a Democrat, so I like the guy's politics. And I'm an asshole -- I mean, a huuuuge asshole -- so you'd think we'd have a lot in common, but damn," Mayer said.

Toyota Recalls Indianapolis Colts; Cites Faulty Hand Controls on Baskett Model

Posted: As a fan of the team that is apparently pro-hurricane

SOUTH FLORIDA -- In yet another troublesome recall for the world's No. 1 automaker, Toyota announced today it plans to recall the entire Indianapolis Colts football team for a series of faulty mechanisms that normally work perfectly but fall apart unexpectedly and without any good explanation.

"We want to be clear that we are not recalling the entire team," said Toyota USA spokesperson Donna Nicaragua. "We are only recalling the special teams, who have faulty hand controls, especially when driving short distances, notably 10 yards or less."

"F**king f**k," she added.

As a temporary fix, Toyota will send an entirely new set of kick returners to Colts head coach Jim Caldwell in hopes of rectifying the problem. They have also requested that the team only continue to play Super Bowls with caution until the new teams have been properly installed.

"That shouldn't be a problem," Caldwell said very, very calmly. "We'll also try to play a team where the narrative doesn't make us the people who want to steal five years of rebuilding a broken town's spirit.

"We thought we had that trumped with the Garcon Haiti card we played, but it just didn't work out," Caldwell said. "The people of Haiti don't like us now either, because they are all wearing T-shirts that say, 'Indianapolis Colts Super Bowl XLIV Champions.' We literally can't win."