Toyota Recalls Indianapolis Colts; Cites Faulty Hand Controls on Baskett Model

Posted: As a fan of the team that is apparently pro-hurricane

SOUTH FLORIDA -- In yet another troublesome recall for the world's No. 1 automaker, Toyota announced today it plans to recall the entire Indianapolis Colts football team for a series of faulty mechanisms that normally work perfectly but fall apart unexpectedly and without any good explanation.

"We want to be clear that we are not recalling the entire team," said Toyota USA spokesperson Donna Nicaragua. "We are only recalling the special teams, who have faulty hand controls, especially when driving short distances, notably 10 yards or less."

"F**king f**k," she added.

As a temporary fix, Toyota will send an entirely new set of kick returners to Colts head coach Jim Caldwell in hopes of rectifying the problem. They have also requested that the team only continue to play Super Bowls with caution until the new teams have been properly installed.

"That shouldn't be a problem," Caldwell said very, very calmly. "We'll also try to play a team where the narrative doesn't make us the people who want to steal five years of rebuilding a broken town's spirit.

"We thought we had that trumped with the Garcon Haiti card we played, but it just didn't work out," Caldwell said. "The people of Haiti don't like us now either, because they are all wearing T-shirts that say, 'Indianapolis Colts Super Bowl XLIV Champions.' We literally can't win."

CBS Shelves Plans to Air Super Bowl XLIV

Posted: On the bulletin board at Charlie Sheen's wife's not-rehab rehab in North Carolina

SOUTH FLORIDA (THE PLACE REGULAR PEOPLE CALL "MIAMI") -- In a surprise announcement today, the CBS television network revealed its plan to switch up their Super Bowl Sunday programming to appeal to an older, hipless (oops, that should read "less hip" -- Ed.), more geriatrically inclined demographic.

"The bottom line is that we've already seen 43 Super Bowls and need something fresh," said CBS President and CEO Les Moonves. "However, CBS does not plan to abandon its sports demographic and remains dedicated to providing quality sports programming. That's why we'll be airing a 'Two and a Half Men' marathon -- 26.2 minutes of laughs!"

Moonves said the move came as a result of some interesting data produced by CBS's research department.

"Our market research suggests that our audience wants more Preparation H and Flomax ads and fewer Bud Light and Godaddy.com ads featuring monkeys and boobs," he said.

"We'll keep The Who performance, though," he added.

Other sports programs CBS plans to showcase include "The Amazing Race Race" and a "CSI:Miami" episode that shows the Super Bowl stadium in a background shot behind David Caruso's literally and figuratively enormous orange be-sunglass-spectacled head and a 30-minute episode of "60 Minutes."

This Day In Free-Ass. History

The Free-Ass. Editorial Bored is on it's way to cover the Super Bowl. Please enjoy this previously-owned, certified story from our sordid past. Sorry if the gas pedal sticks.

MICHAEL PHELPS SMOKES SUPER BOWL

Posted: During the munchies.

TAMPA BAY -- In another display of Olympic-sized stupidity, Michael Phelps was discovered smoking pot -- again. Only this time, he smoked the Super Bowl.

Phelps was found sucking moist, fragrant, pot-filled smoke through a tube connected to an outside wall of the Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay Sunday night.

When asked for comment, Phelps said, "I haven't been this high since I smoked the warm down pool in Beijing. Woa."

Apple Unveils "iPad;" The World's First Electronic Panty Liner

Posted: By the bright people at MENSES ...

SAN FRANCISCO -- In a stunning new announcement, Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the latest device that is expected to revolutionize the personal electronics and hygiene markets.

"Women all over the world have been writing to us for years requesting one," said Jobs who wore his Wednesday jeans and black turtleneck that accentuated both his thinness and that of the device. "I have yet to find a woman who uses a panty liner and doesn't wish she could also check her e-mail on it."

In addition to e-mail, photos, video, music, odor protection, chat features and a whopping 126-gigabyte flash drive, "the iPad actually uses its ample RAM to store fluids and can accommodate a woman on even her heaviest-flow days of the month." Jobs proceeded to pour an entire gallon of blue windshield washer fluid on the device which soaked it up immediately, then sprouted wings and flew into the sunset.

"Apple.com also offers free applications that can analyze the fluid, tell you how many days are left in your period, whether or not you are pregnant and if you should be drinking more water," Jobs said. "We also offer a no-frills version called the iPause for our friends who no longer see the need for an iPad and only use a computer for checking their e-mail and the weather."

Although the iPad weighs in at a panty-busting 1.5 lbs., Apple will also offer protective accessories such as their iUndies sleeve made of a thin Kevlar and lace.

Headphones sold separately. Asiago cheese bread not available in all areas.

State of the Union Pre-Ass. View

Text from one of George W. Bush's final speeches before leaving office last year

Posted: On a teleprompter which the fine folks at Fox News never, ever use because they're really smart

WASHINGTON -- Tomorrow night marks President Obama's second State of the Union address since his term began on Jan. 20, 2009. The Free-Ass. Press has obtained a working draft of the script that will be loaded on to a teleprompter to give Glenn Beck groupies and historical revisionists more fodder for making the case that Obama (magna cum laude, Harvard Law '91) is somehow an idiot for not having memorized a 6,000-word nationally televised speech. So what is he hiding? President Bush didn't need a teleprompter because he couldn't read was "authentic."  

Excerpts follow.
===

My fellow Muslims Americans: I stand before you tonight amid one raging war and one that is winding down; in an economy that is ever so slowly recovering so let's go ahead and just forget about that cliff's edge we were all standing at just one short year ago and just say that it's not recovering because Americans have short memories; stubbornly high unemployment that would be even higher and more stubborn without the absolutely necessary stimulus, you idiots, and a dead health care bill that would have passed if those stupid, do-nothing, foot- and knuckle-dragging motherf**kers in Congress who squandered probably the only supermajority in the U.S. Senate we'll see in our collective lifetimes had gotten off their asses and taken a risk for once in their lives. Despite all of this, I am proud to stand here tonight speaking in code to my terrorist buddies like Bill Ayers in Chicago to be able to tell you that the State of the Union is strong because I'm awesome.

[PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE AND/OR FOR A GOP CONGRESSMAN TO YELL, "YOU LIE!"]

The pointless Iraq War is in its final stages. The brave Marines handed their mission over to the Army last week as they left the dry, sandy orgy of oil that is the desert of Iraq for the dry, sandy mountainous desert of Afghanistan to go fight the bad guys who are also the good guys depending on what week it is; how much money the CIA is handing out and to whom; and the mood of the various warlords in any of the thousands of warring factions in that Allah-forsaken country that no one in a thousand years will ever be able to figure out the people who planned the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

My best friend Osama bin Laden still remains at large. There are radical former classmates and associates of mine who are bad people who still want to do great harm to this country that I hate and am not a citizen of. As long as I'm able to convince you idiot "birthers" that I have the constitutional authority to be president, you have my word that I won't not allow another terrorist attack to happen.

We must come together riiiiiiight now ... over me and lift this nation from the depths of this awesome crisis that I intentionally brought upon us to single-handedly destroy this country that I hate from the inside out. We must put those 30 million Americans who are unemployed back to work at their jobs that now reside in China, thanks to George W. Bush's laissez faire approach to trade policy (but go ahead and blame me for this problem I inherited just 12 months ago, you jackasses) and restart the more reliable Japanese engine of our prosperity; if we confront without fear or a ridiculously oversized assault rifle at a town hall meeting the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit coming up with ridiculous and hollow arguments for why I'm an awful communist slash Nazi slash socialist slash Joker slash Hitler while not giving me the time or space that is actually needed to enact the agenda I was elected by a majority to put in place, then someday years from now our children can tell their children who have been horribly disfigured by an end-of-days nuclear holocaust brought about by my being the Anti-Christ that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, "something worthy to be remembered."  Thank you, God Bless you, guy in the third row who just sneezed, and may God Bless the United States of America.

Obama: First Year in Review

Posted: In the same vault where the State of Hawaii is hiding Obama's "long-form" birth certificate, whatever the hell that is

WASHINGTON -- This week marks the one-year anniversary of President Obama's inauguration. As a public service to its readers, the Free-Ass. Editorial Bored has compiled a list of his administration's top 10 accomplishments from its first year in office.

1. Changed political affiliations several times in response to stinging criticism of his spending priorities that included a $787 billion stimulus package and a $1 trillion health care reform bill. In one year's time, he became a socialist, a fascist, a Nazi and then the Joker. His opponents have even started calling him far worse: a Democrat.

2. Bought a dog and played with it.

3. Invented the wildly popular drinking game known as "A Whole Host of ..."

4. As is tradition for every first-year president, he stopped dying his hair to bring about a gravitas-conveying salt-and-pepper look.

5. Proved conclusively that he's a Muslim Manchurian candidate by intentionally botching his swearing in so that it didn't really count.

6. Closed down Guantanamo Bay. Oops, that is from our future column, "Obama: Fourth Year in Review." We regret the error.

7. Repealing George W. Bush's "don't ask/don't tell" policy regarding progress reports from the generals in Iraq.

8. Vowing to enroll the U.S. treasury in a credit counseling program to pay off its debt and get back on the track to financial freedom.

9. Drank beer with a cop, a professor and a vice president at a Washington, D.C.-area Houlihan's to finally end racism once and for all; realized the only person who "acted stupidly" in the situation was Vice President Biden, who took a leak in the Rose Garden after "climbing to the top of the beer summit."

10. Nominated Roseanne Barr to the Supreme Court.

Top Republican: Mass. Senate Race Is Referendum on Tiger Woods

Posted: On a fire hydrant and then a tree.

BAHSTON -- All eyes are on the Bay State where the hotly contested race for the late Edward Kennedy's Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat between baby-killing Democratic Attorney General Martha Coakley and Republican family values candidate and former nude male model Scott Brown is reaching a fever pitch. As voters make their way to the polls, the Senate's top Republican today announced that today's race puts more than just a Senate seat at stake: It's a referendum on Tiger Woods.

"The Republican party stands for family values and always has," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.). "A vote for Martha Coakley is a vote endorsing Tiger Woods's dishonest and disgraceful behavior."

"Curling iron rape," he added. Brown has also pleaded with voters to make their voice heard in the special election.

"This is not some cynical attempt to gain votes at the last minute," he said. "It's important that people use their voice to speak out and publicly rebuke Tiger Woods. And if they're not comfortable making that statement with their vote, I would tell them this: This race is also a referendum on the accomplishments of our gay, Muslim, crack-smoking non-U.S. citizen president."

"He kills babies too... and puppies," he added.